Better Together | TBN

Better Together

Watch Better Together
November 1, 2019
27:34

Chrystal Evans Hurst shares how her family found renewed purpose after the sudden loss of her cousin. | TBN Prayer Line: 1-888-731-1000

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Better Together

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  • - When loss invades a family, where do we turn for help?
  • 00:00:07.030 --> 00:00:11.050
  • Chrystal Evans Hurst opens up
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  • about the unexpected death of her cousin,
  • 00:00:12.180 --> 00:00:15.020
  • the deep void it created in their family,
  • 00:00:15.020 --> 00:00:17.050
  • and how it became a reminder to live with purpose.
  • 00:00:17.050 --> 00:00:20.120
  • Let's talk about it.
  • 00:00:20.120 --> 00:00:22.090
  • (light music)
  • 00:00:22.090 --> 00:00:24.240
  • - My cousin Wynter, who more like a sister,
  • 00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:51.260
  • we've been in the same city for 15 years raising our kids.
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  • Last summer, out of the blue, unexpectedly,
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  • without any warning, she passed away on a Tuesday afternoon.
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  • I remember, I was at church, in a choir rehearsal
  • 00:01:05.100 --> 00:01:09.120
  • and I looked down at my phone
  • 00:01:10.080 --> 00:01:11.120
  • and just saw a series of 911's, 911,
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  • just from different people.
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  • I hadn't been looking at my phone
  • 00:01:17.010 --> 00:01:18.150
  • so when I saw it, immediately I picked it up and called
  • 00:01:18.150 --> 00:01:21.270
  • and my sister Priscilla just said,
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  • "I need you to come to the hospital,
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  • "something's wrong with Wynter."
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  • On the way to the hospital I remember praying
  • 00:01:33.170 --> 00:01:38.170
  • and asking God to help and to heal.
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  • Also remember vividly, when I got to the halfway mark,
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  • just knowing that she wasn't there.
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  • So when I got to the hospital and walked in
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  • and Priscilla, I caught her gaze at the end of the hallway,
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  • you know how sometimes you just know.
  • 00:01:56.280 --> 00:01:59.100
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:01:59.100 --> 00:02:00.180
  • - Nobody has to say anything, you just know.
  • 00:02:00.180 --> 00:02:01.210
  • And I think my immediate reaction was,
  • 00:02:01.210 --> 00:02:04.190
  • I wouldn't even say it was just shock,
  • 00:02:04.190 --> 00:02:06.240
  • it was just numb, just went numb,
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  • but my thoughts were going crazy
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  • because I was thinking first,
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  • how, why, there are four girls,
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  • they're in the middle of a move,
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  • this can't be real.
  • 00:02:23.050 --> 00:02:24.150
  • We've talked a little bit about
  • 00:02:26.230 --> 00:02:28.050
  • these bargaining stages of grief,
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  • which don't necessarily happen in a certain order,
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  • but I do remember bargaining, I do remember that.
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  • I remember saying, asking God,
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  • "I've heard about people being dead on a table
  • 00:02:41.040 --> 00:02:45.200
  • "for minutes, long time, and coming back,
  • 00:02:45.200 --> 00:02:49.210
  • "and if you were ever gonna do that,
  • 00:02:49.210 --> 00:02:51.100
  • "in the life of our family, this is the one."
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  • - Right.
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  • - Being at the hospital soon enough to touch her,
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  • her still being warm,
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  • looking at her with total disbelief
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  • that her chest was not rising and falling,
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  • but also thinking
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  • that I didn't know what to do with it,
  • 00:03:14.150 --> 00:03:16.270
  • you don't have a slot for it.
  • 00:03:16.270 --> 00:03:20.030
  • So numb.
  • 00:03:22.160 --> 00:03:23.230
  • - [Laurie] Nowhere to put it.
  • 00:03:23.230 --> 00:03:25.050
  • - Was the emotion.
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  • But the thing is, we were all there.
  • 00:03:26.240 --> 00:03:30.110
  • God was good in that allowing her to pass
  • 00:03:30.110 --> 00:03:34.090
  • on the day that she did.
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  • Her family had been busy preparing to move
  • 00:03:36.170 --> 00:03:39.180
  • and as a part of the preparation,
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  • had spent the summer traveling, getting all the things in
  • 00:03:41.110 --> 00:03:44.150
  • before they settled in their new home.
  • 00:03:44.150 --> 00:03:47.020
  • So Dallas was their last stop,
  • 00:03:47.020 --> 00:03:49.230
  • and so, Dallas is where we all live.
  • 00:03:49.230 --> 00:03:52.260
  • So within a matter of minutes
  • 00:03:52.260 --> 00:03:54.140
  • of them arriving at the hospital, we were all there
  • 00:03:54.140 --> 00:03:58.060
  • for them, for each other.
  • 00:04:00.270 --> 00:04:03.130
  • And from the moment of her passing in that hospital,
  • 00:04:03.130 --> 00:04:06.280
  • I called my husband, they were at home,
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  • I said, "I think you should be here."
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  • Us being together, there was nothing for him to do,
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  • just get the boys,
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  • I know they're in their pajamas, come to the hospital.
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  • Being together was what we were supposed to do.
  • 00:04:22.080 --> 00:04:25.110
  • - Right.
  • 00:04:25.110 --> 00:04:26.120
  • - When we didn't know what to do,
  • 00:04:26.120 --> 00:04:28.170
  • being together was the thing.
  • 00:04:28.170 --> 00:04:30.040
  • And so, the girls would run into their dad's arms
  • 00:04:31.170 --> 00:04:35.240
  • and then they had a line of other arms to run into.
  • 00:04:35.240 --> 00:04:40.240
  • Alina, Wynter's oldest daughter,
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  • can tell you with crystal clarity,
  • 00:04:47.050 --> 00:04:49.170
  • different things that people told her that night.
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  • The doctor who was there who was a member of their church,
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  • who looked at her as soon as she left her dad's arms
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  • and said, "Don't let this determine the size of your God."
  • 00:05:01.180 --> 00:05:06.180
  • "You serve a big God."
  • 00:05:07.100 --> 00:05:08.220
  • That's a memory, a solidified memory of that night.
  • 00:05:08.220 --> 00:05:11.050
  • I didn't even remember until later on
  • 00:05:11.050 --> 00:05:13.240
  • when she told me what I told her, which was,
  • 00:05:13.240 --> 00:05:16.040
  • "Guess what, you still just need to be their big sister."
  • 00:05:17.170 --> 00:05:21.100
  • "You don't have to be their mom."
  • 00:05:21.100 --> 00:05:23.150
  • I didn't even remember saying that,
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  • but the collection of memories
  • 00:05:25.280 --> 00:05:28.010
  • that the girls have from that night
  • 00:05:28.010 --> 00:05:29.280
  • is because we were together.
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  • And you never know when you grieve in community,
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  • what will stick, but the important thing is
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  • that when you're together,
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  • there are lots of things available to stick.
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  • When her husband Jonathan,
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  • when he amazingly,
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  • with her body in one room
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  • and us gathered in another,
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  • decided that he wanted to sing,
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  • there were a group of voices together singing with him.
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  • When his voice faded out, still singing,
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  • It's your breath in my lungs and I pour out my praise.
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  • There were a few spots in there where his voice faded out,
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  • but we were together and able to do that together.
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  • To watch Jonathan Pitts
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  • choose to sing songs of praise to God
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  • and songs that underscored his trust in God was convicting.
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  • I don't know that singing
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  • would have been the first thing I thought to do
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  • if I were in that circumstance,
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  • but it was the right thing to do.
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  • I was in awe that that's even what came to his mind at all.
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  • And he didn't just sing one song, we sang a few.
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  • I realize now, then I was just in shock and in awe,
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  • I realize now that was a decision,
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  • to decide,
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  • with his wife of 15 years laying cold in the next room,
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  • instead of focusing on what he lost,
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  • to focus on what God who promised
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  • that she wasn't lost after all.
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  • It was a decision to reorient to trust,
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  • a decision to reorient his mind and his heart to faith.
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  • A decision to reorient himself to a fact,
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  • that even in this horrible situation,
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  • that God was still good.
  • 00:08:11.140 --> 00:08:13.290
  • So I was convicted, but I was also reminded
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  • that when life throws hard stuff at me, at all of us,
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  • that we always have a choice.
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  • We always have a choice.
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  • I don't know,
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  • I'm aware that there are many people when they're grieving
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  • who don't necessarily have that,
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  • but the beauty in community
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  • wasn't just limited to our family.
  • 00:08:51.240 --> 00:08:55.280
  • The beauty of being in community
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  • when you are a part of a church family,
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  • or when you have people that you work with that support you,
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  • where you're in a neighborhood
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  • where people have known you for awhile,
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  • is that when you're weak other people, grief moves,
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  • and even when the people that you are in community with
  • 00:09:14.150 --> 00:09:17.150
  • are grieving too,
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  • you're at different places at different times,
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  • and that community strength is woven
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  • by you just being together.
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  • It is seven days today since she passed away a year ago
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  • and when we were thinking about
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  • how we wanted to remember and honor her,
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  • we couldn't figure it out
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  • other than to know that we were supposed to be together.
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  • And we came up with some cockamamie, you know,
  • 00:09:45.010 --> 00:09:48.200
  • we were just trying to figure out, what can we do?
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  • And we were all busy, in and out of town,
  • 00:09:52.140 --> 00:09:54.040
  • but when it came down to it,
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  • at midnight we wanted to be together,
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  • and Ihop is open and oh great,
  • 00:09:57.140 --> 00:09:59.110
  • 'cause she loves pancakes and coffee, so that worked.
  • 00:09:59.110 --> 00:10:03.170
  • - Absolutely.
  • 00:10:03.170 --> 00:10:04.240
  • - And we didn't do anything monumental
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  • except we were together.
  • 00:10:06.190 --> 00:10:09.180
  • And there's something that was very sweet
  • 00:10:10.270 --> 00:10:13.180
  • about remembering her and honoring her
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  • by doing that together.
  • 00:10:16.180 --> 00:10:19.050
  • Remember also, the day after she passed,
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  • we were in the middle of a series
  • 00:10:22.140 --> 00:10:25.080
  • on Wednesday nights at our church
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  • and we were like, we can't not talk about
  • 00:10:27.080 --> 00:10:30.290
  • what just happened yesterday, but how do we talk about that?
  • 00:10:30.290 --> 00:10:34.120
  • It just so happens we were talking about,
  • 00:10:34.120 --> 00:10:36.160
  • the topic was hot topics at church
  • 00:10:36.160 --> 00:10:39.050
  • and that night we were supposed to talk about
  • 00:10:39.050 --> 00:10:41.290
  • the things you don't understand about God.
  • 00:10:41.290 --> 00:10:43.270
  • - Wow.
  • 00:10:43.270 --> 00:10:45.050
  • - And so, we just said to my Dad,
  • 00:10:45.050 --> 00:10:47.200
  • "Hey, you can't get up there with your Bible,
  • 00:10:47.200 --> 00:10:49.060
  • "at the podium and do that."
  • 00:10:49.060 --> 00:10:50.290
  • This is what has happened in our family's life,
  • 00:10:50.290 --> 00:10:53.140
  • we don't understand this.
  • 00:10:55.110 --> 00:10:57.010
  • We wanted to be there to support each other through that.
  • 00:11:02.070 --> 00:11:05.280
  • One of us was supposed to interview my Dad
  • 00:11:05.280 --> 00:11:08.090
  • and then somehow at the last minute became all four,
  • 00:11:08.090 --> 00:11:11.080
  • my sister, my brothers and I, on the stage with my Dad
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  • having that conversation, in real time, less than 24 hours.
  • 00:11:14.120 --> 00:11:19.120
  • - That's something.
  • 00:11:19.120 --> 00:11:20.150
  • - And one of the biggest things
  • 00:11:20.150 --> 00:11:22.060
  • that people have said after watching that
  • 00:11:22.060 --> 00:11:24.070
  • was that it was a blessing to watch us do that together.
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  • Not have the answers together, not be all glossed,
  • 00:11:28.250 --> 00:11:33.250
  • but that when one was struggling, and one had questions,
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  • and one couldn't utter a word,
  • 00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:40.210
  • that we were walking through that together.
  • 00:11:40.210 --> 00:11:44.240
  • - Get plugged into a church, get your community of people
  • 00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:48.280
  • who can actually hold you up and support you.
  • 00:11:48.280 --> 00:11:52.160
  • Because sometimes you will feel like,
  • 00:11:52.160 --> 00:11:54.220
  • "I don't have the strength
  • 00:11:54.220 --> 00:11:56.000
  • "to even put one foot in front of the other."
  • 00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:58.070
  • And when you have those days,
  • 00:11:58.070 --> 00:11:59.220
  • I think relying on the support of close people
  • 00:11:59.220 --> 00:12:03.150
  • to actually carry you through, that's okay,
  • 00:12:03.150 --> 00:12:07.070
  • because they will probably be times
  • 00:12:07.070 --> 00:12:10.130
  • where you're that person who's carrying them through grief.
  • 00:12:10.130 --> 00:12:14.050
  • And that's the beauty of community,
  • 00:12:14.050 --> 00:12:16.170
  • that we can celebrate while together,
  • 00:12:16.170 --> 00:12:18.270
  • that we can also mourn and grieve with each other.
  • 00:12:18.270 --> 00:12:22.180
  • And so, I think, don't withdraw from people,
  • 00:12:22.180 --> 00:12:26.180
  • actually allow them into your grief.
  • 00:12:26.180 --> 00:12:29.170
  • - [Kayla] You can stream
  • 00:12:30.220 --> 00:12:31.290
  • "Better Together" episodes on the go.
  • 00:12:31.290 --> 00:12:33.110
  • - [Rhiannon] Download the TBN app
  • 00:12:33.110 --> 00:12:35.000
  • to watch our latest conversations.
  • 00:12:35.000 --> 00:12:36.290
  • - You know, I love the scripture that says, "Jesus wept".
  • 00:12:40.090 --> 00:12:44.260
  • - No explanation.
  • 00:12:44.260 --> 00:12:47.030
  • - No explanation, there's Jesus, knowing he's gonna go heal,
  • 00:12:47.030 --> 00:12:52.030
  • knowing he can do, but he had the compassion for people
  • 00:12:53.160 --> 00:12:57.140
  • and he felt what we feel, and he wept.
  • 00:12:58.200 --> 00:13:02.240
  • - In front of someone else enough to record that.
  • 00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:05.280
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:13:05.280 --> 00:13:07.000
  • - So he didn't,
  • 00:13:07.000 --> 00:13:08.130
  • and that's the blessing of grieving privately and publicly,
  • 00:13:08.130 --> 00:13:13.030
  • especially when you have a supportive community,
  • 00:13:14.090 --> 00:13:15.270
  • is that I can cry, I can do it publicly or privately,
  • 00:13:15.270 --> 00:13:20.140
  • but when I'm around you and the tears fall,
  • 00:13:20.140 --> 00:13:24.060
  • it's okay for you to be a witness to my tears,
  • 00:13:24.060 --> 00:13:26.270
  • without there having to be an explanation.
  • 00:13:26.270 --> 00:13:30.160
  • Jesus wept and there wasn't an explanation, he just wept.
  • 00:13:30.160 --> 00:13:34.030
  • - Grief is a very intimate, sacred, private journey,
  • 00:13:34.030 --> 00:13:39.030
  • but it's also a journey that shouldn't be walked out alone.
  • 00:13:41.090 --> 00:13:45.040
  • Although it's sacred, and private,
  • 00:13:46.140 --> 00:13:48.280
  • and can be, and needs to be done in isolation,
  • 00:13:48.280 --> 00:13:52.240
  • grief should never be walked out alone.
  • 00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:57.040
  • It has to happen in isolation
  • 00:13:57.040 --> 00:13:59.000
  • and it has to happen in community,
  • 00:13:59.000 --> 00:14:01.020
  • both are important, both are necessary
  • 00:14:01.020 --> 00:14:04.100
  • in order to move forward in a healthy way.
  • 00:14:04.100 --> 00:14:07.040
  • - It's like her and me, it's been 20 years,
  • 00:14:07.040 --> 00:14:10.140
  • part of that story is that we have babies together.
  • 00:14:10.140 --> 00:14:15.140
  • We had Cody and she had Gabrielle
  • 00:14:16.190 --> 00:14:18.080
  • and I was due on May 26th, she was due on June 2nd
  • 00:14:18.080 --> 00:14:23.080
  • and we switched birthdays with Gabrielle and Cody,
  • 00:14:24.210 --> 00:14:28.180
  • but we can be having the time of our life,
  • 00:14:28.180 --> 00:14:31.160
  • and she can be across the room,
  • 00:14:31.160 --> 00:14:32.270
  • and I can just glance at her and meet eyes,
  • 00:14:32.270 --> 00:14:35.130
  • and I could just drop to the ground with that weeping,
  • 00:14:35.130 --> 00:14:40.130
  • you know, that sorrow that Jesus experienced too,
  • 00:14:41.250 --> 00:14:46.040
  • you know, that sorrow for us.
  • 00:14:47.130 --> 00:14:49.160
  • And I was listening to something the other day
  • 00:14:49.160 --> 00:14:53.020
  • and Ecclesiastes 7:4 says,
  • 00:14:53.020 --> 00:14:57.080
  • "It's better to be at a mourning, funeral,
  • 00:14:57.080 --> 00:15:01.010
  • "then to be in a big party",
  • 00:15:01.010 --> 00:15:03.160
  • because you remember and you're thankful for the life.
  • 00:15:03.160 --> 00:15:08.000
  • I mean, what did you guys talk about
  • 00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:09.170
  • when you were all together?
  • 00:15:09.170 --> 00:15:11.240
  • You had the thanksgiving of the life that was lived,
  • 00:15:11.240 --> 00:15:16.240
  • that you got to be apart of it.
  • 00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:19.080
  • Did that take you awhile to get through to that point
  • 00:15:19.080 --> 00:15:24.080
  • or were you, how was that for you?
  • 00:15:25.130 --> 00:15:28.040
  • - Grief changes everything,
  • 00:15:28.040 --> 00:15:30.070
  • grief changes the way you see the world.
  • 00:15:30.070 --> 00:15:33.240
  • I feel like I, the person I was before Andrew died
  • 00:15:33.240 --> 00:15:38.160
  • is very different than the person that I am today.
  • 00:15:38.160 --> 00:15:42.000
  • - And that's a hard thing, but it's a good thing.
  • 00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:45.060
  • - And it makes you so grateful, it does,
  • 00:15:46.130 --> 00:15:48.140
  • it makes you grateful for life,
  • 00:15:48.140 --> 00:15:50.050
  • it makes you realize how short life really is,
  • 00:15:50.050 --> 00:15:54.110
  • and that every breath is a gift,
  • 00:15:54.110 --> 00:15:57.110
  • and that every breath is grace,
  • 00:15:57.110 --> 00:15:59.270
  • and that I really have no idea how many days I get here.
  • 00:15:59.270 --> 00:16:04.130
  • And so, I want to make the most of it.
  • 00:16:04.130 --> 00:16:06.280
  • When Andrew died, my whole life died with him.
  • 00:16:08.090 --> 00:16:12.050
  • Life as I knew it was gone.
  • 00:16:12.050 --> 00:16:15.200
  • Before he died, I was a stay at home mom
  • 00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:18.070
  • and a supportive pastor's wife
  • 00:16:18.070 --> 00:16:20.100
  • and I loved it.
  • 00:16:20.100 --> 00:16:21.290
  • I found so much value
  • 00:16:21.290 --> 00:16:23.180
  • and so much purpose in the life we were living,
  • 00:16:23.180 --> 00:16:26.020
  • and I thought that's the life we were gonna be living
  • 00:16:26.020 --> 00:16:28.080
  • for the next 20 years.
  • 00:16:28.080 --> 00:16:29.290
  • So when he passed away
  • 00:16:29.290 --> 00:16:32.100
  • I really kinda faced an identity crisis,
  • 00:16:32.100 --> 00:16:35.260
  • what am I gonna do now?
  • 00:16:35.260 --> 00:16:37.270
  • I have these three little boys I have to take care of,
  • 00:16:37.270 --> 00:16:41.010
  • how could I do a nine to five job?
  • 00:16:41.010 --> 00:16:44.050
  • What would that look like
  • 00:16:44.050 --> 00:16:45.110
  • and how do I become the breadwinner,
  • 00:16:45.110 --> 00:16:47.180
  • and how do I become the head of the household,
  • 00:16:47.180 --> 00:16:49.100
  • and how do I become the leader of our home?
  • 00:16:49.100 --> 00:16:52.050
  • And thankfully, God made that really easy, I'm so grateful.
  • 00:16:52.050 --> 00:16:57.000
  • I know that's not the case every single time,
  • 00:16:57.000 --> 00:16:59.150
  • so I'm very grateful that God opened doors.
  • 00:16:59.150 --> 00:17:03.160
  • As I sat, and prayed, and asked those questions like,
  • 00:17:03.160 --> 00:17:06.120
  • "God, what am I supposed to do now?"
  • 00:17:06.120 --> 00:17:08.070
  • "God, why did you take him away, our life was so good?"
  • 00:17:08.070 --> 00:17:11.150
  • As I sat with those questions, as I sat with God,
  • 00:17:11.150 --> 00:17:14.190
  • God continued to open door after door,
  • 00:17:14.190 --> 00:17:17.270
  • after door, after door,
  • 00:17:17.270 --> 00:17:19.050
  • and all I had to do was step through.
  • 00:17:19.050 --> 00:17:22.090
  • Which is difficult to do
  • 00:17:22.090 --> 00:17:23.220
  • and takes courage, and bravery, and vulnerability,
  • 00:17:23.220 --> 00:17:27.000
  • but I have stepped through those doors
  • 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:29.150
  • that he's flung wide open,
  • 00:17:29.150 --> 00:17:31.160
  • and he has given me incredible purpose now.
  • 00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:35.160
  • And my purpose shifted from being stay at home mom
  • 00:17:35.160 --> 00:17:38.090
  • to really just being a voice.
  • 00:17:38.090 --> 00:17:40.270
  • A voice that is willing to talk about something
  • 00:17:40.270 --> 00:17:44.170
  • that not a lot of people are willing to talk about.
  • 00:17:44.170 --> 00:17:47.040
  • And that's just the grace of God.
  • 00:17:47.040 --> 00:17:48.250
  • I never I thought I'd be talking about mental health,
  • 00:17:48.250 --> 00:17:51.020
  • I never thought I'd be talking about mental illness,
  • 00:17:51.020 --> 00:17:53.000
  • I never thought I'd be talking about suicide,
  • 00:17:53.000 --> 00:17:55.150
  • but I am and that's just the calling
  • 00:17:56.190 --> 00:17:59.120
  • that God's put on my life for right now,
  • 00:17:59.120 --> 00:18:01.180
  • and I'm grateful
  • 00:18:01.180 --> 00:18:03.030
  • that he's given me the courage that I need to step into it.
  • 00:18:03.030 --> 00:18:06.120
  • - What you're describing Kayla
  • 00:18:06.120 --> 00:18:07.210
  • is actually post-traumatic growth.
  • 00:18:07.210 --> 00:18:09.200
  • You had a post-traumatic growth,
  • 00:18:09.200 --> 00:18:11.040
  • so we've talked about post-traumatic stress,
  • 00:18:11.040 --> 00:18:14.040
  • but there's this beautiful concept
  • 00:18:14.040 --> 00:18:15.160
  • called post-traumatic growth,
  • 00:18:15.160 --> 00:18:16.240
  • that we can go through a trauma,
  • 00:18:16.240 --> 00:18:19.190
  • and yes we'll experience symptoms of grief
  • 00:18:19.190 --> 00:18:23.250
  • and depression, maybe even anxiety, that's all normal.
  • 00:18:23.250 --> 00:18:27.050
  • And resiliency is about bouncing back to my pre-trauma self,
  • 00:18:27.050 --> 00:18:31.020
  • who I was before I experienced that trauma or that loss.
  • 00:18:31.020 --> 00:18:35.150
  • But then post-traumatic growth
  • 00:18:35.150 --> 00:18:36.250
  • is about entering into the flourishing range,
  • 00:18:36.250 --> 00:18:39.220
  • actually becoming a better version of yourself
  • 00:18:39.220 --> 00:18:42.170
  • for what you've been through.
  • 00:18:42.170 --> 00:18:43.290
  • And it doesn't mean
  • 00:18:43.290 --> 00:18:45.120
  • that you're glad you went through the trauma or the loss.
  • 00:18:45.120 --> 00:18:47.270
  • That it's, "I'm coming through this
  • 00:18:47.270 --> 00:18:50.080
  • "and I'm changed for the better."
  • 00:18:50.080 --> 00:18:52.080
  • "I'm not staying in that sort of dark stage of grief
  • 00:18:52.080 --> 00:18:57.080
  • "or dark period of grief,
  • 00:18:58.040 --> 00:18:59.110
  • "and I'm not just being resilient,
  • 00:18:59.110 --> 00:19:00.160
  • "I'm actually flourishing."
  • 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:02.240
  • And so, there's some psychological concepts
  • 00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:05.120
  • that are linked with that,
  • 00:19:05.120 --> 00:19:07.050
  • and it's gratitude, what you're describing, I'm grateful,
  • 00:19:07.050 --> 00:19:10.060
  • social support, which we're talking about,
  • 00:19:10.060 --> 00:19:11.290
  • grieving in community.
  • 00:19:11.290 --> 00:19:13.260
  • It's having a renewed sense of purpose and meaning in life.
  • 00:19:13.260 --> 00:19:17.170
  • That, "Okay, I want to focus on this
  • 00:19:17.170 --> 00:19:20.070
  • "because the other stuff doesn't matter anymore."
  • 00:19:20.070 --> 00:19:23.020
  • And even a belief in a God who cares.
  • 00:19:23.020 --> 00:19:25.240
  • Research has shown that is linked with post-traumatic growth
  • 00:19:25.240 --> 00:19:30.040
  • and hope.
  • 00:19:30.040 --> 00:19:32.010
  • It's all these things that we've been talking about today
  • 00:19:32.010 --> 00:19:35.050
  • are really linked with that post-traumatic growth,
  • 00:19:35.050 --> 00:19:37.030
  • that we can get through struggles.
  • 00:19:37.030 --> 00:19:38.240
  • - It's almost like, when you're loved one falls asleep,
  • 00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:41.160
  • that it wakes you up.
  • 00:19:42.170 --> 00:19:43.250
  • - Yeah, that's good, it does.
  • 00:19:45.100 --> 00:19:47.000
  • - Because it's not like
  • 00:19:48.070 --> 00:19:50.000
  • you weren't living a beautiful life before,
  • 00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:52.050
  • but you're intentionality to make sure it's so,
  • 00:19:52.050 --> 00:19:57.050
  • is just more heightened, don't you think?
  • 00:19:58.070 --> 00:20:00.160
  • - Oh yeah, totally agree with that, yeah, that's beautiful.
  • 00:20:00.160 --> 00:20:03.070
  • - And everything that you're saying,
  • 00:20:03.070 --> 00:20:05.010
  • we've had a series, in the last two years,
  • 00:20:09.130 --> 00:20:13.080
  • as recently as in the last 48 hours, we are, in our family,
  • 00:20:14.220 --> 00:20:19.180
  • up to the loss of eight people in two years.
  • 00:20:20.220 --> 00:20:23.090
  • It's almost like it just won't stop.
  • 00:20:23.090 --> 00:20:25.100
  • But, the acuteness, sometimes fear,
  • 00:20:26.190 --> 00:20:30.200
  • but more so awareness that we are not designed for here.
  • 00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:35.200
  • That we are not always going to be here,
  • 00:20:36.250 --> 00:20:39.280
  • so with whatever time we have, how do we want to spend it?
  • 00:20:39.280 --> 00:20:44.270
  • - Developing.
  • 00:20:46.030 --> 00:20:47.110
  • - And then you just find yourself saying,
  • 00:20:47.110 --> 00:20:49.120
  • "Certain things just aren't worth the energy."
  • 00:20:49.120 --> 00:20:52.070
  • - That's right.
  • 00:20:52.070 --> 00:20:53.150
  • - I don't have time to be angry with you,
  • 00:20:53.150 --> 00:20:55.290
  • I don't have time to waste,
  • 00:20:55.290 --> 00:20:59.030
  • and that all the things that I've wanted to do,
  • 00:20:59.030 --> 00:21:02.010
  • that I've meant to do, including giving a beautiful life
  • 00:21:02.010 --> 00:21:05.130
  • to those that I love, my children,
  • 00:21:05.130 --> 00:21:08.080
  • I'm limited by my time.
  • 00:21:09.090 --> 00:21:11.260
  • - There's a scripture in the Bible that says,
  • 00:21:11.260 --> 00:21:13.240
  • in Ecclesiastes 7:4 it says, "The heart of the wise
  • 00:21:13.240 --> 00:21:17.050
  • "learns when it is in the house of mourning,
  • 00:21:17.050 --> 00:21:20.290
  • "but the heart of fools
  • 00:21:20.290 --> 00:21:22.070
  • "is senseless in the house of pleasure."
  • 00:21:22.070 --> 00:21:24.200
  • I heard a man speak, and he was talking about,
  • 00:21:24.200 --> 00:21:26.230
  • you learn more when you're mourning than being at a party.
  • 00:21:26.230 --> 00:21:31.230
  • And I think that's so true
  • 00:21:33.180 --> 00:21:35.030
  • because it's in those times, in that grief, in that sorrow,
  • 00:21:35.030 --> 00:21:39.280
  • that I think we see God more clearly,
  • 00:21:41.030 --> 00:21:44.240
  • in that we're open to hear his voice more,
  • 00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:49.040
  • we are more desperate to see him, to hear him,
  • 00:21:49.040 --> 00:21:54.030
  • and I just think
  • 00:21:54.220 --> 00:21:55.290
  • we should take full advantage of those times
  • 00:21:55.290 --> 00:21:58.260
  • where he can step in and be who he is to us.
  • 00:21:58.260 --> 00:22:03.250
  • And he can be our comforter in the sweet holy spirit
  • 00:22:05.070 --> 00:22:09.100
  • that can just minister to us and love on us.
  • 00:22:09.100 --> 00:22:12.230
  • Lean into that today.
  • 00:22:12.230 --> 00:22:14.000
  • - You kinda learn to pick what to flush
  • 00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:18.230
  • and what to flourish.
  • 00:22:18.230 --> 00:22:21.020
  • 'Cause so many things that mattered before
  • 00:22:21.020 --> 00:22:23.290
  • shouldn't matter now.
  • 00:22:23.290 --> 00:22:25.210
  • You've flushed those things that really don't matter
  • 00:22:25.210 --> 00:22:28.240
  • because you're judging everything
  • 00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:30.080
  • in the light of eternity now,
  • 00:22:30.080 --> 00:22:32.000
  • not in the light of life on the earth.
  • 00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:35.190
  • But my expectation level changes,
  • 00:22:35.190 --> 00:22:38.040
  • for every decision I make is about eternal things.
  • 00:22:38.040 --> 00:22:42.280
  • I heard someone say recently,
  • 00:22:42.280 --> 00:22:45.160
  • and it so makes me think
  • 00:22:45.160 --> 00:22:46.210
  • of what we're talking about this week,
  • 00:22:46.210 --> 00:22:48.090
  • we are so hardwired in our Christian faith
  • 00:22:49.150 --> 00:22:54.040
  • to look for the spectacular,
  • 00:22:55.100 --> 00:22:58.040
  • that we miss the supernatural.
  • 00:22:58.040 --> 00:23:00.140
  • And all of these journeys are supernatural journeys,
  • 00:23:00.140 --> 00:23:03.260
  • God is taking us from glory to glory,
  • 00:23:03.260 --> 00:23:07.020
  • but between glory is hell.
  • 00:23:07.020 --> 00:23:09.240
  • There's all these valleys of hell that we go through,
  • 00:23:09.240 --> 00:23:13.020
  • we don't bounce from glory to glory, we walk through hell
  • 00:23:13.020 --> 00:23:15.220
  • to get to another little glory,
  • 00:23:15.220 --> 00:23:17.090
  • walk through hell to get to another little glory,
  • 00:23:17.090 --> 00:23:20.080
  • but we're flourishing because we're moving.
  • 00:23:20.080 --> 00:23:23.250
  • I didn't want to move,
  • 00:23:23.250 --> 00:23:25.250
  • I thought awesome, Gabrielle's gone to heaven,
  • 00:23:25.250 --> 00:23:29.210
  • a week later, I'm fighting horrible symptoms,
  • 00:23:29.210 --> 00:23:32.210
  • three months later I'm diagnosed with colon cancer,
  • 00:23:32.210 --> 00:23:34.160
  • yahoo, I'm out of here.
  • 00:23:34.160 --> 00:23:36.160
  • And that's what I want
  • 00:23:36.160 --> 00:23:38.070
  • people who are watching us to understand,
  • 00:23:38.070 --> 00:23:40.140
  • you don't have to stop living, that's a choice I've made.
  • 00:23:40.140 --> 00:23:43.220
  • I made a choice to stop living,
  • 00:23:43.220 --> 00:23:45.190
  • and then I decided I'm gonna live.
  • 00:23:45.190 --> 00:23:48.110
  • And I think when grief comes so many times,
  • 00:23:48.110 --> 00:23:51.060
  • it's like it's screaming at you, "Just stop living."
  • 00:23:51.060 --> 00:23:54.050
  • "Just stop living, just stop living", but that's the lie.
  • 00:23:54.050 --> 00:23:57.250
  • We can't, if you believe that lie, you're gonna stop living,
  • 00:23:57.250 --> 00:24:02.020
  • and everybody around you
  • 00:24:02.020 --> 00:24:03.230
  • is gonna have to watch you wither up and die.
  • 00:24:03.230 --> 00:24:07.100
  • - But here's the beautiful thing about grief,
  • 00:24:07.100 --> 00:24:09.250
  • if you'll allow it to do so,
  • 00:24:09.250 --> 00:24:12.080
  • it gives you the opportunity to wear a new set of lenses.
  • 00:24:12.080 --> 00:24:16.290
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:24:16.290 --> 00:24:18.050
  • - It gives you a new pair of glasses
  • 00:24:18.050 --> 00:24:19.290
  • to see your experiences through.
  • 00:24:19.290 --> 00:24:21.220
  • And I believe that,
  • 00:24:21.220 --> 00:24:24.120
  • even in the conversation that we're having,
  • 00:24:24.120 --> 00:24:26.220
  • it's waking somebody up to go,
  • 00:24:28.060 --> 00:24:29.140
  • "Wait, I can look at this differently."
  • 00:24:29.140 --> 00:24:32.060
  • "I can look at this differently
  • 00:24:32.060 --> 00:24:33.210
  • "and if I haven't been living up until now,
  • 00:24:33.210 --> 00:24:36.290
  • "it's not too late for me to start."
  • 00:24:36.290 --> 00:24:39.250
  • Don't resist community.
  • 00:24:39.250 --> 00:24:42.100
  • I know you may want to be alone,
  • 00:24:42.100 --> 00:24:43.170
  • and being alone isn't always bad,
  • 00:24:43.170 --> 00:24:45.230
  • but whether it's your neighborhood, your small group,
  • 00:24:45.230 --> 00:24:48.010
  • your church, counseling ministries at your church,
  • 00:24:48.010 --> 00:24:51.180
  • a group of ladies at work, the people that you run with,
  • 00:24:51.180 --> 00:24:55.000
  • the people that care about you, let them care for you.
  • 00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:58.150
  • Be alone when you need to be alone,
  • 00:24:59.210 --> 00:25:00.210
  • but don't always be alone.
  • 00:25:00.210 --> 00:25:03.080
  • Take the risk of being seen,
  • 00:25:03.080 --> 00:25:06.020
  • so that people who care about you can care for you.
  • 00:25:06.020 --> 00:25:09.120
  • And know that grieving, sadness, pain,
  • 00:25:11.130 --> 00:25:16.130
  • even those emotions in community,
  • 00:25:18.260 --> 00:25:23.230
  • community can provide a wonderful healing balm
  • 00:25:24.280 --> 00:25:28.130
  • if you will allow it.
  • 00:25:28.130 --> 00:25:30.040
  • Lord Jesus, I pray for everyone who's watching this now,
  • 00:25:31.140 --> 00:25:33.290
  • first and foremost,
  • 00:25:33.290 --> 00:25:35.130
  • for the people who don't feel like they have community,
  • 00:25:35.130 --> 00:25:37.240
  • would you give that to them?
  • 00:25:37.240 --> 00:25:39.020
  • Would you direct them to a group, or place,
  • 00:25:39.020 --> 00:25:42.210
  • or an environment where they'll be cared for?
  • 00:25:42.210 --> 00:25:44.220
  • Would you show them the small group, or the ministry,
  • 00:25:44.220 --> 00:25:47.220
  • or the counseling, or the connections that are there
  • 00:25:47.220 --> 00:25:51.070
  • so that they do not have to be alone?
  • 00:25:51.070 --> 00:25:53.090
  • For those who know community that have been running from it
  • 00:25:53.090 --> 00:25:55.220
  • because it's just harder to be with people
  • 00:25:55.220 --> 00:25:57.280
  • than it is to be by themselves,
  • 00:25:57.280 --> 00:25:59.180
  • Lord I just pray that you would give them
  • 00:25:59.180 --> 00:26:01.030
  • the boldness and the courage to reinsert themselves
  • 00:26:01.030 --> 00:26:03.230
  • in the community that currently exists,
  • 00:26:03.230 --> 00:26:05.250
  • and to see that as a blessing.
  • 00:26:05.250 --> 00:26:07.270
  • Lord, even you, when you came to earth,
  • 00:26:07.270 --> 00:26:10.270
  • God as you were Lord Jesus, you choose community.
  • 00:26:10.270 --> 00:26:15.220
  • You modeled for us what it looks like to be friends,
  • 00:26:17.060 --> 00:26:19.290
  • to be connected, to be held up, to be served and to serve.
  • 00:26:19.290 --> 00:26:24.250
  • Help us to do that in our own communities,
  • 00:26:24.250 --> 00:26:28.120
  • to find the communities we need,
  • 00:26:28.120 --> 00:26:30.110
  • and to trust the communities that we have.
  • 00:26:30.110 --> 00:26:33.130
  • And thank you for the gift of community, even in grieving.
  • 00:26:33.130 --> 00:26:36.210
  • In Jesus name we pray, amen.
  • 00:26:36.210 --> 00:26:38.240
  • - [Laurie] You can call the number on your screen right now
  • 00:26:40.070 --> 00:26:42.060
  • to talk to a pray partner.
  • 00:26:42.060 --> 00:26:43.210
  • We're here for you 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
  • 00:26:43.210 --> 00:26:47.050
  • We love you and most importantly, God loves you.
  • 00:26:47.050 --> 00:26:49.190
  • - "Better Together" is much more than a TV show,
  • 00:26:51.010 --> 00:26:53.070
  • we are a community built on love and prayer.
  • 00:26:53.070 --> 00:26:56.000
  • - If you're looking for daily encouragement
  • 00:26:56.000 --> 00:26:57.290
  • and a group of women who are passionately following Jesus,
  • 00:26:57.290 --> 00:27:01.030
  • connect with us @bettertogethertv.
  • 00:27:01.030 --> 00:27:03.090
  • - We can't wait to see you there.
  • 00:27:03.090 --> 00:27:05.060
  • Up next on "Better Together".
  • 00:27:06.250 --> 00:27:09.170
  • - I had this illusion of what marriage would be like.
  • 00:27:09.170 --> 00:27:14.040
  • Marriage would be like the doting wife,
  • 00:27:14.040 --> 00:27:16.020
  • the little white picket fence,
  • 00:27:16.020 --> 00:27:17.160
  • you know, having children, just focusing on him.
  • 00:27:17.160 --> 00:27:20.100
  • Well after we got married, it was not that.
  • 00:27:20.100 --> 00:27:22.220
  • (laughter)
  • 00:27:22.220 --> 00:27:24.290
  • - [Laurie] Watch "Better Together" weekdays
  • 00:27:26.200 --> 00:27:28.130
  • and Tuesday nights, only on TBN.
  • 00:27:28.130 --> 00:27:31.210