Fighting Fair | Better Together | TBN

Fighting Fair | Better Together

Watch Fighting Fair | Better Together
November 12, 2019
27:35

Let's talk about how to communicate with your spouse and build a strong foundation for marriage. | TBN Prayer Line: 1-888-731-1000

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Fighting Fair | Better Together

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  • - Today we're talking about
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  • what we wish we knew before we said I do.
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  • Married or single,
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  • it's never too late to build strong relationships.
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  • Come and join us.
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  • (light, upbeat music)
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  • - So I was 29 when my husband walked out on me,
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  • very surprisingly.
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  • We'd been married for two and a half years,
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  • I was a clinical psychologist
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  • running, overseeing a private practice.
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  • My life had looked quite like the Christian fairy tale,
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  • up until that point, I'd been raised in a Christian family,
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  • did a year of Bible College after high school,
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  • went and did my doctorate in clinical psychology
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  • and landed a dream job working
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  • with a Christian psychologist in Australia.
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  • Got married at 26, we dated for two years,
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  • and bought a family home, a nice home,
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  • and then suddenly, out of the blue one morning,
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  • while he was working out on the cross trainer he said,
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  • "I think we need to take a good look
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  • "at where this relationship is going."
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  • So in my mind, as a 29 year old I was thinking babies
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  • is the next step where this marriage is going.
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  • I never thought it would be headed for divorce.
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  • He always said, "We will never talk about divorce."
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  • So it was one of those conversations that just comes
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  • and completely knocks the wind out of you.
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  • And so, there was no opportunity
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  • for marriage counseling or anything.
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  • So he just said, "I'm not happy, it's not you."
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  • He put the house on the market and drove off.
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  • So I had no explanation.
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  • - Wow.
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  • - So in one night I lost my marriage,
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  • my home, my sense of stability.
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  • So that was really like, "Okay God,
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  • "I'm learning that my security can only be in you."
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  • And I think even in a really good healthy marriage
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  • our security really needs to come from God,
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  • not the marriage.
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  • There was a lot of questions, a lot of fear.
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  • How am I going to pick myself up again?
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  • How am I going to just pay the bills?
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  • Where am I going to live?
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  • What does my future look like?
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  • Because I think, sometimes in marriage,
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  • and maybe this was a bit of a naive thought,
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  • but there was a sense of security that came that,
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  • "Okay well, we've got the house and our marriage,
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  • "and financially we're doing okay."
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  • So there was this sense of security
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  • that I know what my future looks like.
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  • There'll be kids and I'll do the mom thing, the wife thing,
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  • and we'll live happily ever after.
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  • And then my happily ever after was taken away from me
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  • and I was suddenly left asking, "Now what God?"
  • 00:03:04.220 --> 00:03:09.140
  • And I think there'll be people who are watching today
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  • who have been through a similar experience.
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  • Maybe you're walking it out now
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  • and my heart goes out to you,
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  • and I want you to know that you will get through this.
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  • That was seven years ago.
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  • It's been an interesting journey since,
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  • but an amazing journey,
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  • and God has just been so faithful in healing my heart
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  • and bringing amazing opportunities,
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  • now working for A21, living in America,
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  • and now I've met an amazing man who's just lovely
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  • and engaged, so that's exciting.
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  • So now entering and preparing for marriage again.
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  • And definitely, I think,
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  • when you've been divorced and preparing for marriage,
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  • I'm going in with eyes wide open,
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  • and we're making sure
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  • that we're preparing really well for marriage.
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  • And also with a good heart
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  • and not being bitter about the past marriage,
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  • and with a healthy view of marriage.
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  • - I think a lot of people walk into marriage
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  • just with all their baggage,
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  • you know, from previous relationships and brokenness.
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  • My thing is, you've got to try the best you possibly can
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  • to marry the best person possible.
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  • And I think, and a lot of people have a hard time with this,
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  • but my best advice is do not,
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  • if you're a believer in Christ, you cannot change somebody,
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  • only God can change.
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  • And if you are not married,
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  • and you're wanting to marry a non-believer,
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  • that's probably the biggest mistake you can possibly do.
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  • - And I think it's like the options that are out there,
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  • especially for the everyday woman.
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  • Maybe like 20, 30 years ago,
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  • there had been more options within your proximity,
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  • but now are connections or the way we date people,
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  • we feel like, "Well this is the best I can do."
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  • So I can't really attract someone else
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  • other than this kind of person, might as well get married,
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  • and eventually they'll become the person that I want.
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  • - That's like that's as good as it gets thing.
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  • - Yeah, missionary dating and missionary marriage
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  • does not help.
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  • - You can't change someone's character.
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  • - Right.
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  • - If they dress awful,
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  • you can help them with their appearance.
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  • - Maybe.
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  • - Amen, sometimes.
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  • - One time I said to my Mom, I said,
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  • "Mom, how will I know when I meet the right one?"
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  • And she said, "Honey,
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  • "I don't know how to explain it to you but you'll know."
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  • And I didn't get it, I said, "But how do you know?"
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  • And she said, "You'll know."
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  • And I'll never forget
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  • when I saw my future husband across the room,
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  • and I saw him with a bunch of young people,
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  • and I could feel and sense his heart,
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  • that he was really passionate about helping people.
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  • In that moment I thought, "This is the man I want to marry."
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  • He didn't physically look like what I had imagined,
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  • those are the things you have to let go,
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  • but he was very, very good looking,
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  • but when I saw him, I knew in my heart.
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  • And the reality of what my Mom said was, "You'll know it."
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  • And I knew it, and then it was just a matter of time
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  • to see if God was going to let it unfold.
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  • This is where you need discerning
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  • and you make sure that you are not desperate.
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  • And sometimes, when you're young it's hard.
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  • You feel like maybe you're gonna get left behind,
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  • but there is one person out there that's good for you.
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  • And in some cases it may be more than one.
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  • I think, as I think about back when I got married,
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  • counseling was not something that you did.
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  • I wish that had not had a stigma attached to it.
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  • My mother passed away a year before I got married,
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  • so I missed that whole dynamic
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  • of someone being able to speak into me
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  • and give me direction.
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  • And that's where having someone to speak into your life
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  • and just kinda prepare you.
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  • It doesn't absolve all the difficulties that you will face,
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  • because you have two strong personalities coming together,
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  • and two strong personalities are gonna have conflict,
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  • but it would have helped me
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  • be able to navigate a little bit easier.
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  • - That's one thing Matt and I did not do,
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  • we did not communicate properly.
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  • And I didn't know how to talk.
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  • I had never fought with anybody.
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  • I fought with my brother a little bit,
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  • but I never, you know, had ever fought with someone,
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  • with a guy.
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  • And so, verbally, you know,
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  • if anybody has ever watched Matt,
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  • he's very verbal, you know--
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  • - [Jeannie] Very straight forward.
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  • - Yeah, very straight forward, and we had a mess sometimes
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  • because I just would go comatose, you know,
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  • and he would go, "You're like talking to a wall."
  • 00:08:23.140 --> 00:08:26.010
  • Well that didn't help, and I was like,
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  • "I don't even know what to say right now."
  • 00:08:27.180 --> 00:08:31.170
  • So, the good thing about it though is 34 years later,
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  • I can fight now.
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  • (women laughing)
  • 00:08:36.030 --> 00:08:38.020
  • - I think for most of the time in my marriage,
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  • it's having the tough conversations,
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  • and not leaving from there.
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  • It's being yourself, in your tears, in your moment,
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  • and just letting them see your heart.
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  • And if you're courageous enough, you can stay there
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  • and listen to your wife, or listen to your husband,
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  • and see them as a person and see their pain.
  • 00:08:58.030 --> 00:09:01.130
  • Sometimes you'll take a couple of steps back and say,
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  • "Oh my gosh, I can't believe that I did that
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  • "or came across that way."
  • 00:09:07.240 --> 00:09:09.030
  • And I know that's not your intention,
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  • but, at times, it comes across that way.
  • 00:09:11.140 --> 00:09:15.010
  • And so, just staying there and saying,
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  • "You know what, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disrespect you",
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  • or, "I'm sorry, I didn't want it to come across that way."
  • 00:09:19.290 --> 00:09:24.030
  • - The research shows that good relationships
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  • aren't defined by the absence of conflict,
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  • but the ability to do conflict well.
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  • So it's having a plan for, how are we going to fight,
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  • because the fights will come up.
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  • We need to make sure
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  • that we're following a few principles in how we do fight.
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  • And so, the research has shown that there's actually,
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  • Doctor John Gottman,
  • 00:09:46.040 --> 00:09:47.080
  • he's a prolific relationship researcher,
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  • and he studied couples over years,
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  • and he says that he can predict couples,
  • 00:09:51.270 --> 00:09:54.210
  • from observing a five minute conversation,
  • 00:09:54.210 --> 00:09:57.230
  • whether they will divorce or not.
  • 00:09:57.230 --> 00:10:00.070
  • - Wow.
  • 00:10:00.070 --> 00:10:01.230
  • - It's a little bit scary, but we need to listen up.
  • 00:10:01.230 --> 00:10:02.210
  • And so, the four predictors are
  • 00:10:02.210 --> 00:10:05.230
  • criticism, content, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
  • 00:10:05.230 --> 00:10:10.230
  • - Wow.
  • 00:10:13.110 --> 00:10:14.170
  • - Now, if you've got those in your marriage,
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  • don't freak out.
  • 00:10:15.120 --> 00:10:16.200
  • - Say that one more time because that is so good.
  • 00:10:16.200 --> 00:10:19.070
  • - The criticism, so criticism is a personal attack.
  • 00:10:19.070 --> 00:10:22.130
  • It's actually attacking someone's character
  • 00:10:22.130 --> 00:10:26.110
  • or a part of them.
  • 00:10:26.110 --> 00:10:27.280
  • Now, it's not that we don't bring up issues,
  • 00:10:27.280 --> 00:10:31.010
  • but when we bring them up,
  • 00:10:31.010 --> 00:10:32.080
  • it's important to have a soft start-up
  • 00:10:32.080 --> 00:10:35.070
  • instead of a harsh start-up,
  • 00:10:35.070 --> 00:10:37.050
  • and to frame it as a complaint rather than a criticism.
  • 00:10:37.050 --> 00:10:40.260
  • So instead of a,
  • 00:10:40.260 --> 00:10:42.120
  • "You're so lazy, you didn't do the dishes last night."
  • 00:10:42.120 --> 00:10:44.290
  • A complaint might be, "Hey babe, I'm really disappointed
  • 00:10:44.290 --> 00:10:48.140
  • "that you didn't do the dishes last night
  • 00:10:48.140 --> 00:10:50.080
  • "like you said you would."
  • 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:51.160
  • "Do you mind doing them this morning?"
  • 00:10:51.160 --> 00:10:53.270
  • And so it's about having that soft start-up,
  • 00:10:53.270 --> 00:10:56.100
  • and raising the issue in a way that's not actually attacking
  • 00:10:56.100 --> 00:11:00.040
  • their personality or their character.
  • 00:11:00.040 --> 00:11:03.020
  • And then with content, the antidote is
  • 00:11:03.020 --> 00:11:05.250
  • to create an atmosphere of positivity and appreciation.
  • 00:11:05.250 --> 00:11:10.250
  • So focus on, what is it that I love about him,
  • 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:14.160
  • not what drives me crazy.
  • 00:11:14.160 --> 00:11:16.130
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:11:16.130 --> 00:11:17.110
  • What do I love about him?
  • 00:11:17.110 --> 00:11:19.150
  • And we need to be careful
  • 00:11:19.150 --> 00:11:20.230
  • what we're focusing on in our mind,
  • 00:11:20.230 --> 00:11:23.140
  • and to be focusing on what is good and lovely,
  • 00:11:23.140 --> 00:11:28.140
  • and to be focusing on those positive thoughts.
  • 00:11:29.190 --> 00:11:31.250
  • Now, it doesn't mean that we are blind
  • 00:11:31.250 --> 00:11:33.280
  • to where we don't see the problems.
  • 00:11:33.280 --> 00:11:37.060
  • - Yeah, some days are better than others, right?
  • 00:11:37.060 --> 00:11:39.040
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:11:39.040 --> 00:11:40.190
  • - And then defensiveness, so the antidote to that
  • 00:11:40.190 --> 00:11:43.210
  • is to actually take responsibility.
  • 00:11:43.210 --> 00:11:46.020
  • Because when we get defensive, in effect we're saying,
  • 00:11:46.020 --> 00:11:48.100
  • "You're wrong, I'm right",
  • 00:11:48.100 --> 00:11:50.100
  • and there can be a lot of pride in that.
  • 00:11:50.100 --> 00:11:52.260
  • So it's actually saying, "Hey babe, you're so right,
  • 00:11:52.260 --> 00:11:54.290
  • "I do leave all my clothes lying on the floor,
  • 00:11:54.290 --> 00:11:58.170
  • "and I said I'd pick them up."
  • 00:11:58.170 --> 00:12:00.060
  • And then, the last one is stonewalling.
  • 00:12:00.060 --> 00:12:03.040
  • So research shows that men often stonewall more than women.
  • 00:12:03.040 --> 00:12:07.010
  • So stonewalling is when it's like (laughter),
  • 00:12:07.010 --> 00:12:09.080
  • stonewalling is when we just shut down and we ignore,
  • 00:12:10.210 --> 00:12:15.120
  • and often it comes as a result of flooding,
  • 00:12:15.120 --> 00:12:18.140
  • because typically it's the women who will flood
  • 00:12:18.140 --> 00:12:22.040
  • and we fire all the criticisms maybe.
  • 00:12:22.040 --> 00:12:24.290
  • - I hear from the Bible, we also leak and leak.
  • 00:12:26.040 --> 00:12:28.200
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:12:28.200 --> 00:12:31.220
  • A leaky faucet.
  • 00:12:31.220 --> 00:12:33.270
  • - And so then heart rate increases,
  • 00:12:33.270 --> 00:12:36.020
  • blood pressure increases, more so in men than women.
  • 00:12:36.020 --> 00:12:39.110
  • And so, they can want to shut down and say,
  • 00:12:39.110 --> 00:12:42.140
  • "I can't deal with this."
  • 00:12:42.140 --> 00:12:43.290
  • And so, the antidote to that
  • 00:12:43.290 --> 00:12:45.290
  • is to actually take time out to self soothe.
  • 00:12:45.290 --> 00:12:49.060
  • - You mean I can't chase him to the bathroom?
  • 00:12:49.060 --> 00:12:51.020
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:12:51.020 --> 00:12:52.260
  • You're gonna talk to me right now.
  • 00:12:52.260 --> 00:12:55.200
  • - You're gonna listen.
  • 00:12:55.200 --> 00:12:57.070
  • - So where were you at 40 years ago?
  • 00:12:57.070 --> 00:12:59.090
  • We want you to join the conversation.
  • 00:13:01.050 --> 00:13:03.260
  • - Connect with us on social media
  • 00:13:03.260 --> 00:13:05.200
  • and let's get better together.
  • 00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:07.290
  • My husband and I grew up with war in our homes,
  • 00:13:09.120 --> 00:13:13.260
  • we both had an alcoholic parent.
  • 00:13:13.260 --> 00:13:16.030
  • So yelling is a form of love.
  • 00:13:16.030 --> 00:13:18.120
  • And we fight and make up.
  • 00:13:22.030 --> 00:13:24.020
  • If you won't fight with me, you don't care.
  • 00:13:24.020 --> 00:13:26.090
  • So if I say, "Well why did you blah blah blah?"
  • 00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:29.220
  • And you just walk away,
  • 00:13:29.220 --> 00:13:32.000
  • "No we having this fight, we gonna talk about it."
  • 00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:34.230
  • Even if it's ruckus.
  • 00:13:34.230 --> 00:13:37.020
  • And I had a girlfriend who,
  • 00:13:37.020 --> 00:13:38.270
  • she and her husband were both very quiet types.
  • 00:13:38.270 --> 00:13:42.050
  • So in 20 years they never fought, but they got to 20 years
  • 00:13:43.160 --> 00:13:47.080
  • and discovered they had all these feelings
  • 00:13:47.080 --> 00:13:49.030
  • they had never shared and they almost broke up.
  • 00:13:49.030 --> 00:13:51.160
  • And she used to say to me, she said,
  • 00:13:51.160 --> 00:13:53.250
  • "I always felt like you and Terry argued too much."
  • 00:13:53.250 --> 00:13:57.010
  • She said, "I wish we had argued
  • 00:13:57.010 --> 00:13:58.170
  • "because at least you were honest with each other."
  • 00:13:58.170 --> 00:14:01.210
  • Now we did not have healthy arguments.
  • 00:14:01.210 --> 00:14:05.060
  • We yelled, I threw things, to us, that was normal,
  • 00:14:05.060 --> 00:14:09.190
  • that was our normal.
  • 00:14:09.190 --> 00:14:11.270
  • And even the idea, like you say,
  • 00:14:13.290 --> 00:14:15.190
  • the stonewalling and the criticism,
  • 00:14:15.190 --> 00:14:20.070
  • I didn't know how to say what I didn't like in a nice way,
  • 00:14:20.070 --> 00:14:25.020
  • 'cause there's no nice way to say it.
  • 00:14:25.020 --> 00:14:27.040
  • You know what I mean?
  • 00:14:27.040 --> 00:14:29.200
  • And therapy, I really,
  • 00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:32.190
  • we did premarital, which was helpful for us,
  • 00:14:33.250 --> 00:14:36.210
  • but we did have an on-call Christian therapist.
  • 00:14:36.210 --> 00:14:41.090
  • So when we hit those walls, we called Doctor Cliff.
  • 00:14:41.090 --> 00:14:45.260
  • You know, "Hey, can we come in?"
  • 00:14:45.260 --> 00:14:48.160
  • I would do everything,
  • 00:14:48.160 --> 00:14:49.230
  • I would do counseling, I would do retreats,
  • 00:14:49.230 --> 00:14:52.000
  • I would sit down with older married couples.
  • 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:54.030
  • I would humble myself because marriage is a journey
  • 00:14:54.030 --> 00:14:58.170
  • that is not for the faint of heart.
  • 00:14:58.170 --> 00:15:00.110
  • And are in with your eyes wide open,
  • 00:15:02.110 --> 00:15:04.240
  • and understand the pitfalls,
  • 00:15:04.240 --> 00:15:06.270
  • understand the hardship, the heartaches,
  • 00:15:06.270 --> 00:15:11.020
  • so you can get to the joy.
  • 00:15:11.290 --> 00:15:14.010
  • - Most communication, we don't learn that,
  • 00:15:14.010 --> 00:15:16.110
  • we're not taught that
  • 00:15:16.110 --> 00:15:17.240
  • in elementary school, middle school, high school.
  • 00:15:17.240 --> 00:15:20.220
  • - Yeah especially not male to female too.
  • 00:15:20.220 --> 00:15:22.290
  • - And so, when I think of marriage now,
  • 00:15:24.020 --> 00:15:27.130
  • looking back at my own marriage,
  • 00:15:27.130 --> 00:15:29.190
  • it's like I have to learn communication skills
  • 00:15:29.190 --> 00:15:32.120
  • in the midst of being married to my husband.
  • 00:15:32.120 --> 00:15:37.120
  • Those skills come in later,
  • 00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:39.220
  • and it would've been so helpful to learn.
  • 00:15:39.220 --> 00:15:41.260
  • It would have been so helpful to have this,
  • 00:15:43.020 --> 00:15:46.140
  • but instead, we see the models in our lives
  • 00:15:46.140 --> 00:15:49.100
  • that would emulate
  • 00:15:49.100 --> 00:15:50.190
  • what conflict would look like, communication,
  • 00:15:50.190 --> 00:15:54.210
  • but that was not always the case for some stories.
  • 00:15:54.210 --> 00:15:57.100
  • And so, especially for people
  • 00:15:57.100 --> 00:15:58.280
  • that are either listening in to our conversation
  • 00:15:58.280 --> 00:16:02.110
  • or having a take away,
  • 00:16:02.110 --> 00:16:04.120
  • that's the biggest take away right there,
  • 00:16:04.120 --> 00:16:06.150
  • is that the skill set of communication.
  • 00:16:06.150 --> 00:16:09.230
  • If I could say this, the thing I wish I could do more of,
  • 00:16:09.230 --> 00:16:14.230
  • and I'm purposefully doing that effort in my own marriage,
  • 00:16:16.040 --> 00:16:19.000
  • is not to give the cultural, "Um-hm", you know.
  • 00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:24.000
  • Or just saying things in a nicer way.
  • 00:16:25.030 --> 00:16:28.050
  • Taking the time, pumping the breaks in conversations
  • 00:16:28.050 --> 00:16:31.180
  • when I'm getting a little heated.
  • 00:16:31.180 --> 00:16:33.190
  • Just to slow down a little bit.
  • 00:16:33.190 --> 00:16:35.220
  • And that in itself
  • 00:16:35.220 --> 00:16:37.080
  • will transform the communication in your marriage.
  • 00:16:37.080 --> 00:16:40.070
  • And I'm just being honest
  • 00:16:40.070 --> 00:16:42.090
  • because I know there's some real people behind this screen,
  • 00:16:42.090 --> 00:16:45.230
  • you're watching me right now, that you listen to me,
  • 00:16:45.230 --> 00:16:49.120
  • but you're not putting into practice.
  • 00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:51.270
  • Maybe you're reflecting on past relationships
  • 00:16:51.270 --> 00:16:55.010
  • and you're not holding yourself accountable
  • 00:16:55.010 --> 00:16:58.060
  • for the words you've spoken.
  • 00:16:58.060 --> 00:17:00.120
  • I learned a lot these past few years,
  • 00:17:00.120 --> 00:17:02.200
  • and I'm more committed to loving my husband,
  • 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:05.150
  • because we have 21 years under our belt,
  • 00:17:05.150 --> 00:17:08.050
  • I just want a marriage that lasts,
  • 00:17:08.050 --> 00:17:11.020
  • and I know that's your wish too.
  • 00:17:12.010 --> 00:17:14.100
  • I married a great man, he's so kind, so generous,
  • 00:17:14.100 --> 00:17:19.000
  • so uplifting, so patient,
  • 00:17:19.000 --> 00:17:21.280
  • and I want to be the kind of woman
  • 00:17:21.280 --> 00:17:24.000
  • that could stand right along side him,
  • 00:17:24.000 --> 00:17:27.120
  • that he can be proud of.
  • 00:17:28.140 --> 00:17:30.070
  • - And that you can build skills.
  • 00:17:30.070 --> 00:17:32.220
  • It is a skill, you can refine, you can develop it over time.
  • 00:17:32.220 --> 00:17:36.070
  • I know this, I'm a psychologist, I'm still learning this.
  • 00:17:36.070 --> 00:17:38.260
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:17:38.260 --> 00:17:40.070
  • - It's a lifelong process
  • 00:17:40.070 --> 00:17:41.170
  • and some seasons are better than others.
  • 00:17:41.170 --> 00:17:43.290
  • Depending where your life is at,
  • 00:17:43.290 --> 00:17:46.010
  • if your kids, or are you empty nesters,
  • 00:17:46.010 --> 00:17:48.140
  • or you're going through menopause, you know,
  • 00:17:48.140 --> 00:17:50.100
  • you face different things at different seasons.
  • 00:17:50.100 --> 00:17:52.240
  • But I think even young people that are getting married,
  • 00:17:52.240 --> 00:17:55.270
  • we invest so much money in marriage,
  • 00:17:55.270 --> 00:17:57.110
  • what the marriage day looks like and all that.
  • 00:17:57.110 --> 00:18:00.020
  • If we could take the same kind of care to be able to know,
  • 00:18:00.020 --> 00:18:04.160
  • how am I gonna communicate with this individual.
  • 00:18:04.160 --> 00:18:07.100
  • That we're not just gonna enter marriage
  • 00:18:07.100 --> 00:18:09.040
  • and we're just gonna get along,
  • 00:18:09.040 --> 00:18:10.200
  • because we find out real quickly
  • 00:18:10.200 --> 00:18:13.010
  • that the honey does get sticky after the honeymoon.
  • 00:18:13.010 --> 00:18:16.130
  • And the toothpaste in the sink does really bug you,
  • 00:18:16.130 --> 00:18:19.190
  • and things like that.
  • 00:18:19.190 --> 00:18:20.230
  • And if we're not educated,
  • 00:18:20.230 --> 00:18:23.030
  • or we haven't been taught, or wisdom passed on,
  • 00:18:23.030 --> 00:18:26.000
  • then we kinda drag our way through that process
  • 00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:29.190
  • and it can be painful.
  • 00:18:29.190 --> 00:18:31.190
  • - I don't want anybody to listen to us today
  • 00:18:31.190 --> 00:18:35.010
  • and not feel like it is worth every bit of work,
  • 00:18:35.010 --> 00:18:39.180
  • and every bit of prayer,
  • 00:18:39.180 --> 00:18:42.040
  • and everything that you've gone through,
  • 00:18:42.040 --> 00:18:44.060
  • it's so worth it, if you can just let go of any selfishness.
  • 00:18:44.060 --> 00:18:49.060
  • Serve your spouse, whether it be your husband,
  • 00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:54.180
  • if you're a man and you're listening about your wife,
  • 00:18:54.180 --> 00:18:57.230
  • or if you're a woman
  • 00:18:57.230 --> 00:18:59.010
  • and you're listening about your husband,
  • 00:18:59.010 --> 00:19:00.030
  • serving them as you would Jesus.
  • 00:19:00.030 --> 00:19:02.260
  • I'm telling you that the price that you pay now,
  • 00:19:02.260 --> 00:19:06.070
  • that you feel like you're giving up,
  • 00:19:06.070 --> 00:19:07.190
  • and the sacrifice, or anything like that,
  • 00:19:07.190 --> 00:19:09.230
  • it's so worth, it's so worth it.
  • 00:19:09.230 --> 00:19:12.170
  • When you get years down the road to look back,
  • 00:19:12.170 --> 00:19:15.140
  • and now, if it's not gonna bother you in a year,
  • 00:19:15.140 --> 00:19:20.140
  • if it doesn't mean anything tomorrow,
  • 00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:24.050
  • of what's got you all upset today, let it go.
  • 00:19:24.050 --> 00:19:28.260
  • Even today, Matt and I laugh,
  • 00:19:28.260 --> 00:19:31.110
  • we read "The Five Love Languages" the other day
  • 00:19:31.110 --> 00:19:34.100
  • and we were just on the floor laughing like,
  • 00:19:34.100 --> 00:19:36.180
  • "Is that what you're supposed to do?"
  • 00:19:36.180 --> 00:19:38.110
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:19:38.110 --> 00:19:40.130
  • And the comedians say, "Yeah we read that book too,
  • 00:19:40.130 --> 00:19:43.290
  • "but bitterness and sarcasm
  • 00:19:43.290 --> 00:19:46.210
  • "wasn't one of the love languages."
  • 00:19:46.210 --> 00:19:49.080
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:19:49.080 --> 00:19:51.090
  • But it's just, so I said last night,
  • 00:19:51.090 --> 00:19:55.160
  • "There's nothing like old love", when you can look back now
  • 00:19:55.160 --> 00:19:59.190
  • on those stupid little things that were such contention.
  • 00:19:59.190 --> 00:20:04.190
  • And I remember Paul and Jan, now,
  • 00:20:05.230 --> 00:20:08.260
  • they fought differently than my parents did.
  • 00:20:08.260 --> 00:20:12.080
  • My parents, I don't recall,
  • 00:20:12.080 --> 00:20:14.210
  • maybe at night once or twice in my life
  • 00:20:14.210 --> 00:20:18.040
  • I heard a little high pitch,
  • 00:20:18.040 --> 00:20:19.260
  • but Paul and Jan, you'd be in the car with them
  • 00:20:22.030 --> 00:20:25.100
  • and the worst thing that you can possibly do
  • 00:20:25.100 --> 00:20:28.220
  • is try to get to a location,
  • 00:20:28.220 --> 00:20:30.230
  • because my mother-in-law sat in the back seat with me
  • 00:20:30.230 --> 00:20:33.290
  • and everybody knew where to go,
  • 00:20:33.290 --> 00:20:35.280
  • and it was all different ways of getting there.
  • 00:20:35.280 --> 00:20:38.260
  • And so, they could just light it up in the car,
  • 00:20:38.260 --> 00:20:43.020
  • then we'd get out and everything's fine,
  • 00:20:43.020 --> 00:20:44.210
  • I was just like, "How do they go from 100 to zero that quick
  • 00:20:44.210 --> 00:20:49.160
  • "and not have all this?"
  • 00:20:49.160 --> 00:20:51.130
  • Had that happened to me
  • 00:20:51.130 --> 00:20:53.090
  • I would have just been madder than a hornet
  • 00:20:53.090 --> 00:20:56.180
  • when we got there, and they were just fine.
  • 00:20:56.180 --> 00:20:59.060
  • But I think that's the years of being together
  • 00:20:59.060 --> 00:21:02.010
  • and being able to do that.
  • 00:21:02.010 --> 00:21:03.100
  • - The friendship, and the research shows
  • 00:21:03.100 --> 00:21:04.270
  • that the friendship is the foundation.
  • 00:21:04.270 --> 00:21:07.110
  • So if you've got the friendship,
  • 00:21:07.110 --> 00:21:08.230
  • the positive memories that you can draw on,
  • 00:21:08.230 --> 00:21:10.220
  • then that sets you up
  • 00:21:10.220 --> 00:21:12.120
  • so that you can get through the conflict
  • 00:21:12.120 --> 00:21:14.280
  • and come out smiling and stronger for it.
  • 00:21:14.280 --> 00:21:17.100
  • - Yeah, they did that all the time,
  • 00:21:17.100 --> 00:21:18.230
  • and now I just admire it
  • 00:21:18.230 --> 00:21:20.220
  • 'cause now Matt and I can do that too.
  • 00:21:20.220 --> 00:21:22.060
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:21:22.060 --> 00:21:23.280
  • - You wanna go at it?
  • 00:21:23.280 --> 00:21:24.260
  • Why not?
  • 00:21:24.260 --> 00:21:26.100
  • - Get out of the car, smiles everyone (laughs).
  • 00:21:26.100 --> 00:21:28.080
  • - I have a funny car story like that.
  • 00:21:28.080 --> 00:21:30.020
  • My husband and I were arguing on the way to a movie premier.
  • 00:21:30.020 --> 00:21:34.030
  • So we're all dressed up, and we gotta smile and wave,
  • 00:21:34.030 --> 00:21:37.150
  • we've got to be.
  • 00:21:37.150 --> 00:21:38.240
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:40.100
  • And we're in the car going at it the whole way there.
  • 00:21:40.100 --> 00:21:42.270
  • We get out and my husband jumps out, runs around,
  • 00:21:42.270 --> 00:21:47.040
  • opens the door for me in front of all these fans,
  • 00:21:47.040 --> 00:21:50.010
  • and I said, "You phony baloney",
  • 00:21:50.010 --> 00:21:52.190
  • and I called him out in front of all his fans.
  • 00:21:52.190 --> 00:21:56.000
  • I said, "You know good and well",
  • 00:21:56.000 --> 00:21:58.120
  • because as soon as he opened the door
  • 00:21:58.120 --> 00:22:00.140
  • all the women were like, "Oh, he's such a good husband."
  • 00:22:00.140 --> 00:22:04.130
  • And I just uncovered him completely right there,
  • 00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:09.150
  • I mean, that's terrible,
  • 00:22:09.150 --> 00:22:10.290
  • but I said, "Don't you open the door for me
  • 00:22:10.290 --> 00:22:13.100
  • "when you just got done telling me what for,
  • 00:22:13.100 --> 00:22:15.260
  • "you just full of it."
  • 00:22:15.260 --> 00:22:17.040
  • And he's like.
  • 00:22:17.040 --> 00:22:18.150
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:22:18.150 --> 00:22:19.230
  • And then, of course they thought that was funny,
  • 00:22:19.230 --> 00:22:21.060
  • but it was, you know, we tell that story all the time.
  • 00:22:21.060 --> 00:22:23.180
  • We're on our way to speak about marriage,
  • 00:22:23.180 --> 00:22:26.140
  • we argue on the way, and whatever the case.
  • 00:22:26.140 --> 00:22:29.160
  • So it's really true, that amount of trust,
  • 00:22:29.160 --> 00:22:33.150
  • I still know he loves me
  • 00:22:33.150 --> 00:22:35.110
  • even if he complains about how I made the french toast
  • 00:22:35.110 --> 00:22:39.220
  • or didn't make the french toast.
  • 00:22:39.220 --> 00:22:42.110
  • - [Laurie] Here's that wooden spoon.
  • 00:22:42.110 --> 00:22:43.210
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:22:43.210 --> 00:22:47.070
  • - Because I know inherently,
  • 00:22:47.070 --> 00:22:50.100
  • though we have these differences,
  • 00:22:50.100 --> 00:22:52.030
  • like how we would do things,
  • 00:22:52.030 --> 00:22:54.060
  • how we would drive to the location, that he still loves me.
  • 00:22:54.060 --> 00:22:59.050
  • As much as he gripes about the way I did it
  • 00:23:00.120 --> 00:23:02.220
  • or the way I did something.
  • 00:23:03.210 --> 00:23:05.160
  • And that, you know, maybe is a little sick dynamic,
  • 00:23:07.290 --> 00:23:10.280
  • a little dysfunctional.
  • 00:23:10.280 --> 00:23:12.290
  • There was a popular song years ago, "Break Up to Make Up".
  • 00:23:12.290 --> 00:23:16.040
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:23:16.040 --> 00:23:18.000
  • Break up to make up
  • 00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:20.160
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:23:20.160 --> 00:23:23.090
  • - Right, first you love me.
  • 00:23:24.060 --> 00:23:25.260
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:23:25.260 --> 00:23:27.290
  • - Yes.
  • 00:23:27.290 --> 00:23:28.240
  • - But, it really was like our dynamic
  • 00:23:30.030 --> 00:23:33.250
  • and probably because we saw it.
  • 00:23:33.250 --> 00:23:35.270
  • And so, we're still here.
  • 00:23:35.270 --> 00:23:38.070
  • - Yes.
  • 00:23:38.070 --> 00:23:39.140
  • - We do argue less though, I will say.
  • 00:23:39.140 --> 00:23:41.120
  • - But I think that the important thing,
  • 00:23:41.120 --> 00:23:43.130
  • maybe for people that hesitate because they think
  • 00:23:43.130 --> 00:23:46.210
  • that maybe fighting or disagreeing is not right
  • 00:23:46.210 --> 00:23:51.070
  • and you shouldn't do that,
  • 00:23:51.070 --> 00:23:52.160
  • I think we do away with that misnomer by saying,
  • 00:23:52.160 --> 00:23:56.060
  • "No, this is okay,
  • 00:23:56.060 --> 00:23:57.220
  • "there's a healthy way to fight and to disagree."
  • 00:23:57.220 --> 00:24:02.100
  • And because of the personality differences,
  • 00:24:02.100 --> 00:24:06.000
  • you generally marry somebody that's totally opposite of you.
  • 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:08.280
  • I think sometimes God is laughing,
  • 00:24:08.280 --> 00:24:11.080
  • that he puts two people together and says,
  • 00:24:11.080 --> 00:24:13.000
  • "Okay, work it through."
  • 00:24:13.000 --> 00:24:14.080
  • But the reality is, when you work it through,
  • 00:24:15.150 --> 00:24:18.080
  • even though you're so vastly different from one another,
  • 00:24:18.080 --> 00:24:22.110
  • you can also be so complimentary for one another too.
  • 00:24:22.110 --> 00:24:26.290
  • - So I think sometimes we forget
  • 00:24:26.290 --> 00:24:28.260
  • that it's not all about us all the time.
  • 00:24:28.260 --> 00:24:32.020
  • We've got to think about the other person
  • 00:24:32.020 --> 00:24:36.150
  • and about what the stuff that they've lived through
  • 00:24:36.150 --> 00:24:39.200
  • and their past, what's made them like they are today.
  • 00:24:39.200 --> 00:24:44.200
  • And I think,
  • 00:24:45.150 --> 00:24:46.290
  • probably one of the best things you can probably do,
  • 00:24:46.290 --> 00:24:50.030
  • is to be grateful for the gifts that they have.
  • 00:24:50.030 --> 00:24:53.110
  • Think about the things that you feel in love with.
  • 00:24:53.110 --> 00:24:55.170
  • Think about the things that make you feel good,
  • 00:24:55.170 --> 00:24:58.150
  • things that you laugh at.
  • 00:24:58.150 --> 00:25:00.020
  • I think one of the greatest gifts God gives us in marriage
  • 00:25:00.020 --> 00:25:03.240
  • is laughter, and playfulness,
  • 00:25:03.240 --> 00:25:06.190
  • and just laughing at yourselves.
  • 00:25:06.190 --> 00:25:11.040
  • And so, I'm gonna pray today
  • 00:25:11.040 --> 00:25:13.040
  • that God gives us a fresh gratitude, a fresh grace,
  • 00:25:13.040 --> 00:25:18.040
  • a fresh love to see the other person the way God sees them,
  • 00:25:19.180 --> 00:25:24.120
  • and to pray, you know, a lot of times
  • 00:25:26.130 --> 00:25:28.070
  • we want to pray for our husbands, that they change,
  • 00:25:28.070 --> 00:25:30.120
  • I think we need to pray for ourselves.
  • 00:25:30.120 --> 00:25:32.200
  • We need to pray that God changes us, and you know what?
  • 00:25:32.200 --> 00:25:35.260
  • One day you'll wake up and go, "Whoa, God has changed me,
  • 00:25:35.260 --> 00:25:40.200
  • "but in the process he has changed him too."
  • 00:25:40.200 --> 00:25:43.160
  • God can do miracles in your life today.
  • 00:25:43.160 --> 00:25:46.010
  • God can do miracles in your family today,
  • 00:25:46.010 --> 00:25:48.290
  • in your marriages, in your future marriages,
  • 00:25:48.290 --> 00:25:52.000
  • God can do great things for you, and he wants to.
  • 00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:55.190
  • - [Announcer] You can call the number on your screen
  • 00:25:55.190 --> 00:25:56.270
  • right now to talk to a prayer partner,
  • 00:25:56.270 --> 00:25:59.050
  • we're here for you 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
  • 00:25:59.050 --> 00:26:03.070
  • We love you, but most importantly, Jesus loves you.
  • 00:26:03.070 --> 00:26:05.290
  • - The secret to a happy marriage
  • 00:26:08.030 --> 00:26:09.220
  • is getting up every day believing that today will be better,
  • 00:26:09.220 --> 00:26:14.160
  • today is a good day, and that God's favor is on my marriage.
  • 00:26:14.160 --> 00:26:18.260
  • - So when did I know I'd say yes to my fiance?
  • 00:26:20.030 --> 00:26:22.250
  • So that was just our relationship was one
  • 00:26:22.250 --> 00:26:25.100
  • where we just grew in friendship
  • 00:26:25.100 --> 00:26:27.040
  • and we really had a solid friendship
  • 00:26:27.040 --> 00:26:29.280
  • before starting our more romantic relationship.
  • 00:26:29.280 --> 00:26:34.270
  • And so, I think I knew
  • 00:26:34.270 --> 00:26:37.240
  • as we started entering into that more
  • 00:26:37.240 --> 00:26:40.150
  • sort of serious, romantic relationship side of things,
  • 00:26:40.150 --> 00:26:43.060
  • that it was a yes from me.
  • 00:26:43.060 --> 00:26:46.100
  • And just seeing how kind he was,
  • 00:26:46.100 --> 00:26:48.180
  • not just to myself but to others,
  • 00:26:48.180 --> 00:26:50.230
  • and just watching how he acted in different circumstances,
  • 00:26:50.230 --> 00:26:55.040
  • and just seeing his heart for God,
  • 00:26:55.040 --> 00:26:57.260
  • just yeah, helped me to fall more in love with him.
  • 00:26:57.260 --> 00:27:02.260
  • - [Announcer] You can stream "Better Together" episodes
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  • on the go.
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  • Download the TBN app
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  • to watch all of our latest conversations.
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  • Here's what's coming up next on "Better Together".
  • 00:27:12.030 --> 00:27:14.210
  • - That was a reality check for me
  • 00:27:14.210 --> 00:27:16.160
  • that he was not like my Dad,
  • 00:27:16.160 --> 00:27:19.010
  • and that was an expectation I had that was not a reality.
  • 00:27:19.010 --> 00:27:23.190
  • But there's so many other gifts that he has
  • 00:27:23.190 --> 00:27:25.260
  • that my Dad didn't have.
  • 00:27:25.260 --> 00:27:27.230
  • - [Announcer] Watch "Better Together" weekdays
  • 00:27:27.230 --> 00:27:29.050
  • and Tuesday nights only on TBN.
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