Home for Christmas | Better Together | TBN

Home for Christmas | Better Together

Watch Home for Christmas | Better Together
December 20, 2019
27:03

Are you ready to celebrate or bracing for family drama? Let's talk how to set boundaries for a happy holiday. | TBN Prayer Line: 1-888-731-1000

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Home for Christmas | Better Together

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  • Oh there's no place like home for the holidays
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  • - You know, that might sound really wonderful in a song,
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  • but what about real life?
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  • Are you ready to celebrate or are you bracing for the drama?
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  • Let's talk about how to keep the peace
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  • when even the most challenging person says,
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  • "I'll be home for Christmas".
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  • (light upbeat music)
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  • - We all have that person in our family
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  • around Christmas time.
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  • We've had that person, and sometimes those people.
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  • I just remember sitting,
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  • so when I married Philip, he's the youngest of five,
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  • and so, they had spouses and kids
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  • and they did things differently than--
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  • - What you were accustom to.
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  • - Then what I was accustom to.
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  • And of course my ways (hands slam) are right.
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  • - Of course, of course.
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  • - And then just, even other parts of the family,
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  • you would go, and there's dinners with,
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  • I think that person's drinking too much
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  • and there's the crazy person there.
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  • And so, I just think there's this drama sometimes that comes
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  • when you bring families together.
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  • - Yeah.
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  • - And as a pastor, often times we'll tell people,
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  • because, as we've spoken about this week,
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  • people have unrealistic expectations about Christmas.
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  • And so, they keep thinking
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  • that this year it's going to be different.
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  • That I'm gonna go home to my family
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  • and this year it's gonna be different.
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  • It's all gonna be good.
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  • And then it's terrible.
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  • It's weird, it's sad,
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  • sometimes borderline abusive, horrible,
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  • and then they come back,
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  • and then they have to recover for months
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  • from their horrible Christmas.
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  • And so, as a pastor, we've started saying,
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  • "Don't go then."
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  • - Right.
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  • - It's like, create your own thing now.
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  • Invite some friends over and create a new family,
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  • and then when you get married, you create yours,
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  • you don't have to go where there's the drama.
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  • And so, I just think life is filled with enough drama--
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  • - But how do you tell your mama no?
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  • - How do you tell your mama no?
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  • - Yeah, that you're not coming.
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  • (women laughing)
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  • - This way, "Mom, Mom, hello Mom,
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  • "yeah Merry Christmas to you too."
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  • "You know, this year I want to do something different
  • 00:02:39.230 --> 00:02:42.080
  • "and I'm gonna stay home."
  • 00:02:42.080 --> 00:02:43.250
  • - "What do you mean, you're not coming?"
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  • - "Not this year Mom,
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  • "but we'll talk on Christmas day."
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  • - "But I'm what you need."
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  • - "I mean, I'm gonna miss you too,
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  • "I'm gonna call you,
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  • "and you know, we can even face time."
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  • - "My grandkids."
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  • - "Yeah, we'll face time."
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  • "I love you, bye."
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  • (women laughing)
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  • - And scene, powerful.
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  • - It wouldn't be you, you're the good grandma.
  • 00:03:06.280 --> 00:03:09.080
  • - Yeah, I'm the good grandma.
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  • - But listen--
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  • - The emotional blackmail that you can get from family.
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  • - That's what I feel like,
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  • that's what I've had to help people navigate.
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  • - Emotional blackmail.
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  • - Oh gosh, yeah.
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  • - If you loved me you would.
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  • - You would, that's what people.
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  • - [Laurie] Manipulation.
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  • - And I just say, who wants to spend Christmas
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  • having felt manipulated?
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  • - Absolutely, nobody does.
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  • - Nope.
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  • - 'Cause you end up resenting that person if you go,
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  • but nobody has a great time.
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  • - It's such a strange time,
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  • 'cause for so many of us,
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  • if you go to a large family gathering,
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  • the last time we've talked to these people was a year ago.
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  • So now on social media,
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  • maybe they can see more about your life,
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  • but if you're not close with some of the extended family,
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  • with people, it's like, for this sacred holiday,
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  • I'm spending it with a room of strangers.
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  • - Christmas can be challenging,
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  • depending on who your family is,
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  • who your extended family is,
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  • and sometimes, you know,
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  • I've heard one of my friends saying,
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  • "I'm just dreading Christmas this year
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  • "because there's that one aunt, you know,
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  • "who just always loses the place
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  • "and gets upset by every little thing."
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  • "And then some people try and fix her,
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  • "and other people ignore her."
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  • "It's a disaster."
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  • We can look at it that way,
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  • and that can be incredibly challenging,
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  • or, we can think, Lord, maybe this is the year that,
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  • instead of trying to see
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  • how I can have everything kinda nice and perfect,
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  • the way I want it, maybe this is the year
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  • where I can pay attention to the one
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  • who perhaps is not the easiest to love.
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  • You know, sometimes you'll discover
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  • that right beneath the surface of anger or of outbursts,
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  • there's often hurt, and pain, and fear.
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  • One of my husband's aunts,
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  • and we used to all gather together as a family
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  • in Charleston, South Carolina,
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  • and she was quite a challenge sometimes,
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  • and she would kind of lose the place.
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  • And I decided that one year
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  • I was just kinda spend more time with her
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  • than I did with the rest of the family,
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  • and I got to know her in a way I never had before.
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  • And I began to understand
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  • the root of some of what was coming out,
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  • a lot of it was loss, and a lot of it was pain.
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  • Sometimes just paying a little bit more attention.
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  • - You know, you can create your own environment,
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  • and that's what I've chosen to do.
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  • Really, I don't go with people
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  • who I haven't been with all year long,
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  • or who I haven't spoken to all year long.
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  • I invite, you know, my family.
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  • On a couple of the other shows I was telling you,
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  • it's 100 people that will come
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  • at times it's brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews,
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  • and that's it.
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  • And every year, can you say every year, how we say it?
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  • Every year, it never fails
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  • that one of them will call and say,
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  • "Hey, I have my mother-in-law with me this year,
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  • "can she come?"
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  • "No."
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  • "Hey, I got a girlfriend, I want to know if she can come?"
  • 00:06:02.190 --> 00:06:06.110
  • "No."
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  • No girlfriends, no boyfriends are allowed.
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  • No girlfriends, no boyfriends are allowed.
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  • Only my family members.
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  • The only time I will consider
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  • allowing a boyfriend or a girlfriend to come
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  • is if they are engaged,
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  • because I don't want to introduce new people to a system,
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  • to a community of people,
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  • who may not even be there next year.
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  • You know, all of my ministry life,
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  • I have always been very vulnerable, if you will,
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  • I've always made myself available and open to our ministry.
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  • And here I have three children
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  • that I've raised up in ministry
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  • who've had to share every moment, you know,
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  • of their lives with other people.
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  • And it's so important to say,
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  • "It's okay for you to have private time
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  • "with just you and your family."
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  • And we had to set boundaries.
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  • And I have even gone to my children to say,
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  • "Hey, is it okay, what do you think about
  • 00:07:08.230 --> 00:07:11.200
  • "inviting these people right here
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  • "or do you want to have it just with us?"
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  • - My life, and your life,
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  • is open to so many people all the time.
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  • People are coming, I'm having people over,
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  • so it's not like I don't invite the stranger,
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  • it's not like I don't invite the broken and the hurting,
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  • and create a big table for them,
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  • but it's okay sometimes, at Christmas,
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  • to be with your family.
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  • - Is that okay?
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  • - Say that.
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  • - Pick a moment, pick some time, and just be together
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  • and enjoy it.
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  • And I think that's okay.
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  • I think it's okay to set a boundary
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  • and not be made to feel guilty
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  • that you don't go some place you don't want to go?
  • 00:07:48.110 --> 00:07:51.060
  • To create that boundary, I think that's fine.
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  • - It's okay to say no.
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  • - Now if you never invite strangers in your world,
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  • that's a different story,
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  • but that's not what we're talking about.
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  • - My life is open.
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  • You're home is your safe haven,
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  • and it should be a place where you invite people
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  • who you want to be there at that certain time.
  • 00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:08.240
  • - So Matt's always been really good at birthdays
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  • and celebrations that,
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  • if we can't just do something on that day,
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  • if we're traveling on that day,
  • 00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:18.280
  • let's do it the next day, let's do it the next week,
  • 00:08:18.280 --> 00:08:20.270
  • let's celebrate the week prior or whatever.
  • 00:08:20.270 --> 00:08:25.010
  • It never always had to be on that day.
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  • And sometimes I think
  • 00:08:27.210 --> 00:08:29.050
  • making a priority time for your family, you know,
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  • I felt like I shared my parents all through my childhood,
  • 00:08:32.250 --> 00:08:37.070
  • I shared them with our church, and that was great,
  • 00:08:37.070 --> 00:08:41.250
  • to be their family when they had no families,
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  • and that was awesome,
  • 00:08:46.060 --> 00:08:47.250
  • but I would have also liked the quiet time,
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  • which they provided also.
  • 00:08:50.210 --> 00:08:52.040
  • So I just think it's important that your family unit
  • 00:08:53.140 --> 00:08:56.230
  • have a time, a special time together.
  • 00:08:56.230 --> 00:08:59.170
  • - One of the things I learned a long time ago,
  • 00:08:59.170 --> 00:09:01.150
  • is that no is a complete sentence.
  • 00:09:01.150 --> 00:09:03.200
  • (Laurie laughs)
  • 00:09:03.200 --> 00:09:05.010
  • I don't have to have something that comes before it
  • 00:09:05.010 --> 00:09:06.230
  • or something that comes after it.
  • 00:09:06.230 --> 00:09:09.030
  • When you have the freedom to say no,
  • 00:09:09.030 --> 00:09:12.050
  • then you make every yes worthwhile.
  • 00:09:12.050 --> 00:09:14.000
  • Every yes when you want somebody involved is good,
  • 00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:16.090
  • but ever year, when Christian got older,
  • 00:09:16.090 --> 00:09:18.020
  • I would say on his birthday,
  • 00:09:18.020 --> 00:09:19.120
  • "What one thing do you want us to do this year
  • 00:09:19.120 --> 00:09:21.080
  • "that would be fun?"
  • 00:09:21.080 --> 00:09:22.110
  • And this one birthday he said,
  • 00:09:22.110 --> 00:09:25.070
  • "I would like every Tuesday night
  • 00:09:25.070 --> 00:09:26.250
  • "if you and I shot hoops together."
  • 00:09:26.250 --> 00:09:28.100
  • And I'm like totally dude, we will do that.
  • 00:09:28.100 --> 00:09:30.080
  • So we would shoot hoops every Tuesday,
  • 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:31.220
  • and then one of the ladies in our neighborhood
  • 00:09:31.220 --> 00:09:33.260
  • rang my doorbell and said,
  • 00:09:33.260 --> 00:09:35.030
  • "Would you be willing to host a Bible Study?"
  • 00:09:35.030 --> 00:09:36.270
  • And I said, "Yeah, actually I would love to do that."
  • 00:09:36.270 --> 00:09:38.270
  • And she said, "We've all agreed
  • 00:09:38.270 --> 00:09:40.070
  • "that Tuesday will work for us."
  • 00:09:40.070 --> 00:09:41.200
  • And I said, "Actually, I'm sorry, but I can't do Tuesday."
  • 00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:44.070
  • And she says, "Well I didn't pick Wednesday
  • 00:09:44.070 --> 00:09:45.210
  • "'cause I know you're at church, what's wrong with Tuesday?"
  • 00:09:45.210 --> 00:09:47.210
  • I said, "Well actually,
  • 00:09:47.210 --> 00:09:48.280
  • "I shoot hoops with Christian on Tuesday."
  • 00:09:48.280 --> 00:09:50.120
  • And she said, "Are you telling me
  • 00:09:50.120 --> 00:09:51.230
  • "that shooting hoops is more important
  • 00:09:51.230 --> 00:09:53.200
  • "than having a Bible Study in your own home?"
  • 00:09:53.200 --> 00:09:55.140
  • And I said, "That's exactly what I'm telling you."
  • 00:09:55.140 --> 00:09:57.120
  • You know, "I'm telling you that."
  • 00:09:57.120 --> 00:09:59.030
  • And it's like, I knew she was disappointed,
  • 00:09:59.030 --> 00:10:01.010
  • I knew she would go talk with all the other ladies about me,
  • 00:10:01.010 --> 00:10:04.020
  • but I thought, if my word towards my son
  • 00:10:04.020 --> 00:10:06.210
  • is not more important than what other people think of me,
  • 00:10:06.210 --> 00:10:10.150
  • then I failed as a mother.
  • 00:10:10.150 --> 00:10:12.030
  • - So then that becomes a people pleasing.
  • 00:10:12.030 --> 00:10:14.150
  • - Yeah, it is.
  • 00:10:14.150 --> 00:10:15.150
  • - So I get stuck with that a lot,
  • 00:10:15.150 --> 00:10:17.040
  • and what I probably admire most about my mother-in-law
  • 00:10:17.040 --> 00:10:21.160
  • is that she had a hard no.
  • 00:10:21.160 --> 00:10:23.290
  • And I was like, going, "Oh my goodness",
  • 00:10:25.140 --> 00:10:27.290
  • and then just, you know,
  • 00:10:27.290 --> 00:10:29.170
  • that's gonna upset the apple cart in so many ways,
  • 00:10:29.170 --> 00:10:32.240
  • but what I experienced is that she had a fast, sure no.
  • 00:10:32.240 --> 00:10:37.240
  • Whereas I would be lenient,
  • 00:10:38.210 --> 00:10:39.290
  • well then look who's going through it,
  • 00:10:39.290 --> 00:10:41.200
  • I'm the one going through it
  • 00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:42.240
  • because they're there.
  • 00:10:42.240 --> 00:10:44.010
  • And so, I'm the one suffering,
  • 00:10:44.010 --> 00:10:47.010
  • because I didn't have a hard no to protect.
  • 00:10:47.010 --> 00:10:50.270
  • So our families are our church in miniature,
  • 00:10:50.270 --> 00:10:54.260
  • that's our ministry in miniature,
  • 00:10:54.260 --> 00:10:56.240
  • and we have to nurture that.
  • 00:10:56.240 --> 00:10:58.260
  • - To anyone that's going through family drama
  • 00:10:58.260 --> 00:11:00.220
  • this holiday season, I would say
  • 00:11:00.220 --> 00:11:02.150
  • to not underestimate the power of pausing and praying,
  • 00:11:02.150 --> 00:11:07.120
  • for your attitude and your heart, during this season.
  • 00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:10.130
  • It is so important
  • 00:11:10.130 --> 00:11:11.280
  • that you have the correct perspective of yourself,
  • 00:11:11.280 --> 00:11:13.190
  • the correct perspective of them,
  • 00:11:13.190 --> 00:11:15.090
  • and the correct perspective of the situation,
  • 00:11:15.090 --> 00:11:17.150
  • so you're not anxious for reasons that don't exist,
  • 00:11:17.150 --> 00:11:20.210
  • so you're not stressed out about things that aren't real.
  • 00:11:20.210 --> 00:11:22.130
  • It is so important that you do not let your stress
  • 00:11:22.130 --> 00:11:25.070
  • just become this momentum
  • 00:11:25.070 --> 00:11:26.190
  • that spirals you off to somewhere crazy.
  • 00:11:26.190 --> 00:11:29.020
  • Pause, pray,
  • 00:11:29.020 --> 00:11:30.240
  • and pray that God gives you the correct perspective,
  • 00:11:30.240 --> 00:11:33.180
  • what's your role in that situation
  • 00:11:33.180 --> 00:11:34.270
  • and what do you have to let go of?
  • 00:11:34.270 --> 00:11:37.090
  • - My favorite Christmas memory
  • 00:11:37.090 --> 00:11:39.020
  • is growing up in my huge family,
  • 00:11:39.020 --> 00:11:41.170
  • I have a large family, there's 24 of us,
  • 00:11:41.170 --> 00:11:43.100
  • we're all adopted except one, yeah.
  • 00:11:43.100 --> 00:11:45.260
  • And I remember just being in my onesie,
  • 00:11:45.260 --> 00:11:48.100
  • and all my sisters in their onesies too,
  • 00:11:48.100 --> 00:11:50.040
  • and we would go out,
  • 00:11:50.040 --> 00:11:51.130
  • and there would be so many presents.
  • 00:11:51.130 --> 00:11:53.180
  • We had this huge Christmas tree,
  • 00:11:53.180 --> 00:11:54.240
  • and it'd be so many presents,
  • 00:11:54.240 --> 00:11:56.090
  • we had to sit in another room because it was so packed.
  • 00:11:56.090 --> 00:11:58.120
  • And it was just fun growing up,
  • 00:11:58.120 --> 00:11:59.290
  • we had these great memories of going to church together,
  • 00:11:59.290 --> 00:12:02.070
  • opening presents,
  • 00:12:02.070 --> 00:12:03.050
  • and just having family time.
  • 00:12:03.050 --> 00:12:04.240
  • - Celebrate Christmas with "Better Together".
  • 00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:06.280
  • - Tag us @bettertogethertv
  • 00:12:06.280 --> 00:12:08.200
  • to show us how you and your friends
  • 00:12:08.200 --> 00:12:10.090
  • are creating Christmas memories this season.
  • 00:12:10.090 --> 00:12:12.120
  • - We can't wait to see your beautiful faces.
  • 00:12:12.120 --> 00:12:14.250
  • - Christmas makes me think about the fact
  • 00:12:16.010 --> 00:12:18.220
  • that Jesus would come to be amongst us.
  • 00:12:18.220 --> 00:12:23.120
  • That he would choose to be in the middle of it all.
  • 00:12:23.120 --> 00:12:26.130
  • And his plan was to always journey with us
  • 00:12:26.130 --> 00:12:29.130
  • in the middle of it all.
  • 00:12:29.130 --> 00:12:30.180
  • His plan from the beginning
  • 00:12:30.180 --> 00:12:32.000
  • was to be in relationship with his creation,
  • 00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:35.140
  • to walk with us.
  • 00:12:35.140 --> 00:12:37.000
  • And the story of Christmas introduces us
  • 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:39.200
  • to God being here on earth, once again with us.
  • 00:12:39.200 --> 00:12:42.180
  • And through his spirit he continues to now journey with us,
  • 00:12:42.180 --> 00:12:45.210
  • and it's what he intended from the beginning,
  • 00:12:45.210 --> 00:12:47.280
  • and Christmas is the introduction to a love story
  • 00:12:47.280 --> 00:12:51.280
  • that all of humanity would experience,
  • 00:12:51.280 --> 00:12:53.250
  • the goodness and the faithfulness of God reaching out to us.
  • 00:12:53.250 --> 00:12:57.160
  • - So many people are navigating divorce and blended family.
  • 00:12:57.160 --> 00:13:01.010
  • So that creates,
  • 00:13:01.270 --> 00:13:03.230
  • it's a whole other dynamic around Christmas.
  • 00:13:03.230 --> 00:13:07.110
  • So I've watched my daughter navigate that.
  • 00:13:07.110 --> 00:13:09.240
  • She's married to a man who had two little girls,
  • 00:13:09.240 --> 00:13:11.190
  • and so then just navigating his ex-wife,
  • 00:13:11.190 --> 00:13:15.130
  • just the blended families.
  • 00:13:15.130 --> 00:13:16.270
  • So I think there is this element
  • 00:13:16.270 --> 00:13:18.050
  • of keeping your heart open for what is new,
  • 00:13:18.050 --> 00:13:20.240
  • 'cause it could be your new favorite thing,
  • 00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:23.010
  • however, if it gets messy then you can still go,
  • 00:13:23.010 --> 00:13:25.220
  • but tonight, on this day, it's gonna be ours.
  • 00:13:25.220 --> 00:13:30.030
  • I have so much compassion
  • 00:13:30.030 --> 00:13:33.060
  • for people navigating blended families.
  • 00:13:33.060 --> 00:13:36.100
  • It's a tricky thing,
  • 00:13:36.100 --> 00:13:37.150
  • and especially around the holidays
  • 00:13:37.150 --> 00:13:38.270
  • because everybody wants Christmas, right?
  • 00:13:38.270 --> 00:13:41.250
  • And I've watched my daughter navigate this.
  • 00:13:41.250 --> 00:13:44.080
  • And so, for the first year it was he has them for two hours,
  • 00:13:44.080 --> 00:13:49.080
  • and then they go to the mom for four hours,
  • 00:13:51.190 --> 00:13:53.020
  • and they would get them back for three hours,
  • 00:13:53.020 --> 00:13:54.100
  • and it was just crazy, the back and forth.
  • 00:13:54.100 --> 00:13:56.100
  • And finally my daughter said,
  • 00:13:56.100 --> 00:13:57.180
  • "No, how about if we alternate years?"
  • 00:13:57.180 --> 00:13:59.150
  • "You can have Christmas day this year,
  • 00:13:59.150 --> 00:14:02.210
  • "we'll have Christmas day next year."
  • 00:14:02.210 --> 00:14:04.090
  • And so, then when she did that,
  • 00:14:04.090 --> 00:14:06.030
  • then she said to her family, she said,
  • 00:14:06.030 --> 00:14:08.180
  • "So the weekend before, we'll make that Christmas."
  • 00:14:08.180 --> 00:14:11.160
  • "We'll just have it on a different day
  • 00:14:11.160 --> 00:14:12.260
  • "and celebrate together."
  • 00:14:12.260 --> 00:14:14.030
  • And so, she just got flexible with it.
  • 00:14:14.030 --> 00:14:15.240
  • And I just thought, that was genius.
  • 00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:18.040
  • I just think, being creative then,
  • 00:14:18.040 --> 00:14:20.030
  • with protecting your time and your space,
  • 00:14:20.030 --> 00:14:23.110
  • and it may not be the exact day,
  • 00:14:23.110 --> 00:14:24.280
  • but then setting some boundaries
  • 00:14:24.280 --> 00:14:26.250
  • so you get to have your family time.
  • 00:14:26.250 --> 00:14:30.060
  • - You know, divorce is painful, but hey, it's life.
  • 00:14:30.060 --> 00:14:33.140
  • You have more blended families
  • 00:14:33.140 --> 00:14:35.080
  • than you do the traditional family.
  • 00:14:35.080 --> 00:14:37.120
  • And so, it's evident that you're gonna have, at some time,
  • 00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:42.120
  • somebody that's gonna be connected to you,
  • 00:14:43.170 --> 00:14:45.090
  • or you yourselves,
  • 00:14:45.090 --> 00:14:46.170
  • that are gonna be in a relationship
  • 00:14:46.170 --> 00:14:48.030
  • that will have children from another relationship.
  • 00:14:48.030 --> 00:14:52.120
  • And it can be a little tough
  • 00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:53.280
  • because, like my son himself is divorced and have a son,
  • 00:14:53.280 --> 00:14:58.130
  • and I thank God that I have a great relationship
  • 00:14:58.130 --> 00:15:01.220
  • with the mother of my grandson,
  • 00:15:01.220 --> 00:15:04.270
  • that I can call and ask her, "Can I keep him?"
  • 00:15:04.270 --> 00:15:08.040
  • But everybody's not in that position.
  • 00:15:08.040 --> 00:15:10.180
  • And so, you're gonna have to keep your heart right,
  • 00:15:10.180 --> 00:15:12.270
  • and you're gonna have to be kind,
  • 00:15:12.270 --> 00:15:14.140
  • and you're gonna have to believe God
  • 00:15:14.140 --> 00:15:15.250
  • for opportunities that will give you a time
  • 00:15:15.250 --> 00:15:19.040
  • when you can have shared time with that child
  • 00:15:19.040 --> 00:15:21.230
  • or with the other in-laws, or whatever,
  • 00:15:21.230 --> 00:15:24.160
  • or whoever you're dealing with in that time.
  • 00:15:24.160 --> 00:15:27.140
  • And so, I'm not gonna allow what happened between my son
  • 00:15:27.140 --> 00:15:31.260
  • and her to affect me.
  • 00:15:31.260 --> 00:15:34.080
  • So I'll remain the nice one.
  • 00:15:34.080 --> 00:15:37.000
  • I mean, I'm not gonna invite her over to my environment
  • 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:40.010
  • unless my son is okay with it,
  • 00:15:40.010 --> 00:15:43.150
  • but they're boundaries, I know that has to be set,
  • 00:15:43.150 --> 00:15:48.010
  • it's a change that has taken place in our family dynamics,
  • 00:15:48.010 --> 00:15:53.000
  • but I want my grandson there.
  • 00:15:53.000 --> 00:15:55.230
  • - The holidays are different for everyone,
  • 00:15:55.230 --> 00:15:57.070
  • we can't possibly standardize this holiday.
  • 00:15:57.070 --> 00:16:00.090
  • Growing up for me, my brothers and sisters and I,
  • 00:16:00.090 --> 00:16:04.050
  • we are a blended family.
  • 00:16:04.050 --> 00:16:06.070
  • We have different dynamics than maybe other families do.
  • 00:16:06.070 --> 00:16:09.090
  • We do what works for us,
  • 00:16:09.090 --> 00:16:10.200
  • we have different traditions, different holidays,
  • 00:16:10.200 --> 00:16:12.210
  • we make the most of it,
  • 00:16:12.210 --> 00:16:13.290
  • we don't get to have a Christmas like you do,
  • 00:16:13.290 --> 00:16:15.140
  • and you don't get to have a Christmas like we do.
  • 00:16:15.140 --> 00:16:17.160
  • Christmas is not something that can be put in a box,
  • 00:16:17.160 --> 00:16:20.050
  • no tradition can, no family is the same.
  • 00:16:20.050 --> 00:16:23.120
  • So forget what you think is normal,
  • 00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:25.140
  • forget what you think is standard,
  • 00:16:25.140 --> 00:16:29.060
  • you create what Christmas is for you and your family.
  • 00:16:29.060 --> 00:16:33.040
  • No one is normal,
  • 00:16:33.040 --> 00:16:34.180
  • no one's family situation is the only way to be.
  • 00:16:34.180 --> 00:16:37.030
  • I love growing up in a blended family,
  • 00:16:37.030 --> 00:16:38.200
  • and continuously, my husband and I,
  • 00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:40.270
  • and our friends and family,
  • 00:16:40.270 --> 00:16:41.290
  • we're constantly evolving
  • 00:16:41.290 --> 00:16:43.050
  • into what this holiday means for us.
  • 00:16:43.050 --> 00:16:45.160
  • What I was hearing you guys say
  • 00:16:45.160 --> 00:16:46.230
  • is we need to have our own boundaries.
  • 00:16:46.230 --> 00:16:48.250
  • We need to have our own boundaries
  • 00:16:48.250 --> 00:16:50.110
  • so that we don't blame other people,
  • 00:16:50.110 --> 00:16:51.270
  • the church, our family members, our friends,
  • 00:16:51.270 --> 00:16:55.040
  • for asking so much of us.
  • 00:16:55.040 --> 00:16:56.250
  • We have to set our own boundaries,
  • 00:16:56.250 --> 00:16:58.100
  • but also, we have to respect other people's boundaries.
  • 00:16:58.100 --> 00:17:01.100
  • Other people want their time with their family,
  • 00:17:01.100 --> 00:17:03.240
  • other people want their time with their group of friends,
  • 00:17:03.240 --> 00:17:06.000
  • so we need to have our boundaries.
  • 00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:07.070
  • No one else is responsible
  • 00:17:07.070 --> 00:17:08.140
  • for the health of our lives but ourselves,
  • 00:17:08.140 --> 00:17:10.140
  • but also, we've got to respect other people's boundaries,
  • 00:17:10.140 --> 00:17:11.290
  • everyone is just trying to do it.
  • 00:17:11.290 --> 00:17:13.140
  • Serving the local church, having people all the time,
  • 00:17:13.140 --> 00:17:15.260
  • you have a lot of obligations,
  • 00:17:15.260 --> 00:17:17.120
  • most that you love to be able to serve,
  • 00:17:17.120 --> 00:17:19.050
  • but you've got to have your boundaries,
  • 00:17:19.050 --> 00:17:20.190
  • you've got to respect other people's too.
  • 00:17:20.190 --> 00:17:22.130
  • That's powerful.
  • 00:17:22.130 --> 00:17:23.280
  • - I remember one time, this was before I got married,
  • 00:17:23.280 --> 00:17:26.240
  • and I wanted my brother-in-law,
  • 00:17:26.240 --> 00:17:28.100
  • 'cause all of them are older than me,
  • 00:17:28.100 --> 00:17:30.060
  • my brother-in-law, I wanted him to meet Mike at that time.
  • 00:17:30.060 --> 00:17:34.210
  • And I was like, "Come on and meet Mike."
  • 00:17:34.210 --> 00:17:37.150
  • He was like, "Why do I want to meet Mike,
  • 00:17:37.150 --> 00:17:40.020
  • "he might not even be here next year?"
  • 00:17:40.020 --> 00:17:42.230
  • "Let him out, meet him when you decide
  • 00:17:42.230 --> 00:17:44.290
  • "this is who you really want to be with."
  • 00:17:44.290 --> 00:17:46.220
  • And it really made sense to me.
  • 00:17:46.220 --> 00:17:49.090
  • - Well, it offends though a lot of people.
  • 00:17:49.090 --> 00:17:51.080
  • - Yeah, that's true, that's true.
  • 00:17:51.080 --> 00:17:53.260
  • If you wear your feelings on your shoulders, right?
  • 00:17:53.260 --> 00:17:57.030
  • - But that's where we have to respect others.
  • 00:17:57.030 --> 00:17:59.190
  • And I appreciate that in you, that you actually got that.
  • 00:17:59.190 --> 00:18:04.120
  • - I got it, it was like, "Hey, you're right."
  • 00:18:04.120 --> 00:18:07.030
  • "He may not make it next year,
  • 00:18:10.090 --> 00:18:11.260
  • "let me just ride this one out for a little while."
  • 00:18:11.260 --> 00:18:14.250
  • - When I was growing up,
  • 00:18:15.290 --> 00:18:17.060
  • one of the greatest challenges in my life
  • 00:18:17.060 --> 00:18:19.030
  • was my aunt's mother-in-law,
  • 00:18:19.030 --> 00:18:22.110
  • because she knew that all I ever wanted was a dog.
  • 00:18:22.110 --> 00:18:26.050
  • But, you know, just because of my family circumstances,
  • 00:18:26.050 --> 00:18:29.260
  • my mom couldn't afford to get us a dog,
  • 00:18:29.260 --> 00:18:31.210
  • and to take care of a dog,
  • 00:18:31.210 --> 00:18:33.000
  • but every single Christmas
  • 00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:35.030
  • we would go to my aunt's for Christmas,
  • 00:18:35.030 --> 00:18:36.250
  • and all the extended family would be there.
  • 00:18:36.250 --> 00:18:39.130
  • And this lady was from Ireland,
  • 00:18:39.130 --> 00:18:41.060
  • and she would say to me every single Christmas,
  • 00:18:41.060 --> 00:18:43.240
  • "Have you not got a wee dog yet?"
  • 00:18:43.240 --> 00:18:45.270
  • And I would spend the next 10 minutes
  • 00:18:45.270 --> 00:18:47.290
  • in tears in the bathroom.
  • 00:18:47.290 --> 00:18:50.000
  • And so, if you've got somebody in your family like that,
  • 00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:53.030
  • I get it.
  • 00:18:53.030 --> 00:18:54.100
  • Maybe you're not married yet, and they're like,
  • 00:18:54.100 --> 00:18:56.070
  • "So, are you married yet?"
  • 00:18:56.070 --> 00:18:58.040
  • "No ring on your finger?"
  • 00:18:58.040 --> 00:18:59.210
  • Or maybe you've been married for awhile
  • 00:18:59.210 --> 00:19:01.010
  • and you don't have children, it's like,
  • 00:19:01.010 --> 00:19:02.260
  • "Do we hear their little patter of feet?"
  • 00:19:02.260 --> 00:19:05.110
  • That can be so hard, unless you just learn to,
  • 00:19:05.110 --> 00:19:10.060
  • you can't snap back at a family member
  • 00:19:11.190 --> 00:19:13.220
  • because, that's not gonna go very well.
  • 00:19:13.220 --> 00:19:16.170
  • And if you love the Lord, then you don't want that.
  • 00:19:16.170 --> 00:19:19.230
  • But you can simply say,
  • 00:19:19.230 --> 00:19:21.280
  • say it like even before the meal begins, just say,
  • 00:19:21.280 --> 00:19:24.190
  • "I would just like to say, upfront,
  • 00:19:24.190 --> 00:19:27.190
  • "before we all have time to talk to each other,
  • 00:19:27.190 --> 00:19:30.020
  • "no I'm not married yet, no I'm not having a baby,
  • 00:19:30.020 --> 00:19:32.280
  • "and no I don't have a dog."
  • 00:19:32.280 --> 00:19:34.140
  • "And I would be happy to talk to you all
  • 00:19:34.140 --> 00:19:36.150
  • "about anything else, but those subjects are off."
  • 00:19:36.150 --> 00:19:41.010
  • But I love the fact that you, as pastors,
  • 00:19:41.010 --> 00:19:43.200
  • would give permission to your people to say,
  • 00:19:43.200 --> 00:19:45.210
  • "You know, listen, if you don't want to go,
  • 00:19:45.210 --> 00:19:48.050
  • "you don't have to go."
  • 00:19:48.050 --> 00:19:49.090
  • That's a real gift
  • 00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:52.100
  • to the people in a congregation who are maybe like,
  • 00:19:52.100 --> 00:19:54.090
  • I don't know how to navigate these emotional waters.
  • 00:19:54.090 --> 00:19:56.270
  • - Giving them permission to set a boundary.
  • 00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:00.110
  • - And I think the younger generation
  • 00:20:01.170 --> 00:20:03.000
  • can practice these things now.
  • 00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:04.260
  • Maybe we don't have kids yet,
  • 00:20:04.260 --> 00:20:06.150
  • maybe we don't have giant families,
  • 00:20:06.150 --> 00:20:07.220
  • or giant obligations yet,
  • 00:20:07.220 --> 00:20:09.270
  • but we can practice boundaries now
  • 00:20:09.270 --> 00:20:11.150
  • and prepare ourselves for the other seasons.
  • 00:20:11.150 --> 00:20:13.130
  • We also now, even if we're younger, single,
  • 00:20:13.130 --> 00:20:18.050
  • don't have these obligations or responsibilities yet,
  • 00:20:18.050 --> 00:20:20.110
  • can practice, not being obsessed
  • 00:20:20.110 --> 00:20:23.220
  • so that people care about you so much
  • 00:20:23.220 --> 00:20:25.080
  • that you're killing yourself to please a million people.
  • 00:20:25.080 --> 00:20:27.210
  • We can practice now having boundaries
  • 00:20:27.210 --> 00:20:29.200
  • so that we're not over-promising
  • 00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:32.090
  • and over-committing ourselves during the holiday season.
  • 00:20:32.090 --> 00:20:34.060
  • Whether that's through serving at church, working,
  • 00:20:34.060 --> 00:20:37.280
  • whether that's even good things, working and serving,
  • 00:20:37.280 --> 00:20:41.070
  • or other fun obligations,
  • 00:20:41.070 --> 00:20:42.210
  • but you, you're in charge of your own health,
  • 00:20:42.210 --> 00:20:46.150
  • you're in charge of your own boundaries.
  • 00:20:46.150 --> 00:20:48.030
  • And I see all the time, people my age
  • 00:20:48.030 --> 00:20:49.250
  • blaming the church for asking them to volunteer too much,
  • 00:20:49.250 --> 00:20:52.080
  • or blaming their friends
  • 00:20:52.080 --> 00:20:53.170
  • for inviting them to too many things.
  • 00:20:53.170 --> 00:20:54.260
  • I just have so much responsibility.
  • 00:20:54.260 --> 00:20:56.110
  • It's like, "Well how much was in your power to say no?"
  • 00:20:56.110 --> 00:20:59.100
  • And so, we hear boundaries with people
  • 00:20:59.100 --> 00:21:01.010
  • that have more life than us, but we can practice it now,
  • 00:21:01.010 --> 00:21:03.140
  • we can start honing in on these skills now.
  • 00:21:03.140 --> 00:21:05.100
  • Set ourselves free earlier,
  • 00:21:05.100 --> 00:21:07.220
  • to be less imprisoned by what other people think about us,
  • 00:21:07.220 --> 00:21:10.110
  • and believe when people say things to us,
  • 00:21:10.110 --> 00:21:13.080
  • like you're saying,
  • 00:21:13.080 --> 00:21:14.220
  • "Here's people that I've been here for all the time,
  • 00:21:14.220 --> 00:21:17.070
  • "so just trust that I love you."
  • 00:21:17.070 --> 00:21:19.010
  • "Just because we weren't invited to this one thing,
  • 00:21:19.010 --> 00:21:21.020
  • "I have other people I love, other obligations I love."
  • 00:21:21.020 --> 00:21:23.090
  • We also have to take people for their word,
  • 00:21:23.090 --> 00:21:25.130
  • that say, "I love you, I value you."
  • 00:21:25.130 --> 00:21:27.020
  • Don't be upset or feel so bad for yourself
  • 00:21:27.020 --> 00:21:29.180
  • when you weren't invited to these things.
  • 00:21:29.180 --> 00:21:31.030
  • Do you believe that their yes is yes and no is no?
  • 00:21:31.030 --> 00:21:32.140
  • Give people some credit.
  • 00:21:32.140 --> 00:21:33.150
  • I think the younger generation,
  • 00:21:33.150 --> 00:21:34.220
  • we can start practicing some of these things.
  • 00:21:34.220 --> 00:21:36.060
  • - [Dee Dee] Absolutely.
  • 00:21:36.060 --> 00:21:37.240
  • - I think the Christmas season
  • 00:21:37.240 --> 00:21:39.110
  • is a great place where obligation and opportunity meet.
  • 00:21:39.110 --> 00:21:43.230
  • I think sometimes there's a fine line
  • 00:21:44.290 --> 00:21:47.040
  • between feeling obligated to go spend time with my family,
  • 00:21:47.040 --> 00:21:50.150
  • or I can go over here and be with my friends.
  • 00:21:50.150 --> 00:21:52.220
  • I tell you what, let's make a deal,
  • 00:21:53.280 --> 00:21:55.070
  • you pray for me and I'll pray for you (laughs).
  • 00:21:55.070 --> 00:21:57.290
  • Because you know what?
  • 00:21:57.290 --> 00:21:59.170
  • Everybody's different, every season is different,
  • 00:21:59.170 --> 00:22:03.180
  • each one of our family lives is different,
  • 00:22:03.180 --> 00:22:06.050
  • it's a great time for fruit maturing,
  • 00:22:06.050 --> 00:22:11.000
  • the fruit of the spirit.
  • 00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:12.280
  • It's a great time to reach out to those in your family
  • 00:22:12.280 --> 00:22:17.210
  • that maybe things haven't gone right.
  • 00:22:17.210 --> 00:22:19.190
  • Just pray that the Lord opens doors for you,
  • 00:22:22.090 --> 00:22:24.250
  • that if there is something that you can minister into,
  • 00:22:24.250 --> 00:22:28.020
  • if there is an open door to minister love into something
  • 00:22:28.020 --> 00:22:30.230
  • or into a situation, do your best.
  • 00:22:30.230 --> 00:22:33.220
  • - We judge people based upon how we are.
  • 00:22:33.220 --> 00:22:37.130
  • We assume that everybody is able
  • 00:22:37.130 --> 00:22:39.200
  • to accept whatever we are able to accept.
  • 00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:42.200
  • And sometimes we have to, you know,
  • 00:22:42.200 --> 00:22:44.210
  • just think, maybe they can't handle--
  • 00:22:44.210 --> 00:22:47.050
  • - People have different capacities.
  • 00:22:47.050 --> 00:22:48.110
  • - Right, absolutely.
  • 00:22:48.110 --> 00:22:49.250
  • And so, sometimes we probably do
  • 00:22:49.250 --> 00:22:51.100
  • have to present it a little different, but--
  • 00:22:51.100 --> 00:22:54.230
  • - You know, I do love this program
  • 00:22:54.230 --> 00:22:56.130
  • because there is something in everybody
  • 00:22:56.130 --> 00:22:59.040
  • that brings their color, their tribe,
  • 00:22:59.040 --> 00:23:03.070
  • their every experience to the table.
  • 00:23:03.070 --> 00:23:06.150
  • No matter who you are and no matter where you live.
  • 00:23:06.150 --> 00:23:09.240
  • - I'm the one that cuts you, no.
  • 00:23:09.240 --> 00:23:11.240
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:23:11.240 --> 00:23:13.260
  • - Want to.
  • 00:23:13.260 --> 00:23:14.210
  • - The great thing Dee Dee, every time you say yes,
  • 00:23:16.040 --> 00:23:18.070
  • it's gonna mean--
  • 00:23:18.070 --> 00:23:19.080
  • - [Laurie] So much more.
  • 00:23:19.080 --> 00:23:20.140
  • - It's gonna mean so much more.
  • 00:23:20.140 --> 00:23:21.270
  • - Yes, and then they expect to come every time.
  • 00:23:21.270 --> 00:23:23.270
  • So even, sometimes you have to say,
  • 00:23:23.270 --> 00:23:25.220
  • "Yes, I'm gonna invite you this time,
  • 00:23:25.220 --> 00:23:27.170
  • "but next time, you may not be invited."
  • 00:23:27.170 --> 00:23:29.240
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:23:29.240 --> 00:23:31.080
  • - I'm so thankful you come to "Better Together".
  • 00:23:31.080 --> 00:23:32.230
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:23:32.230 --> 00:23:34.130
  • - People are being set free, let me tell you.
  • 00:23:34.130 --> 00:23:36.170
  • (women laughing)
  • 00:23:36.170 --> 00:23:38.280
  • - You don't have to be mean, it's like, I know her.
  • 00:23:38.280 --> 00:23:41.120
  • - I'm not mean with it, I'm not.
  • 00:23:41.120 --> 00:23:43.030
  • - It's just like,
  • 00:23:43.030 --> 00:23:44.190
  • when you were doing that fake little phone call to the mom,
  • 00:23:44.190 --> 00:23:46.030
  • you don't have to be mean when you're setting a boundary
  • 00:23:46.030 --> 00:23:49.060
  • about how you're gonna spend your holiday.
  • 00:23:49.060 --> 00:23:50.260
  • And because, it's like, also to get access to divorce
  • 00:23:50.260 --> 00:23:54.090
  • and step-families, it's like that's in the picture.
  • 00:23:54.090 --> 00:23:56.140
  • - Right.
  • 00:23:56.140 --> 00:23:58.000
  • - So as Christ followers, how we communicate life,
  • 00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:01.080
  • how we communicate kindness matters.
  • 00:24:01.080 --> 00:24:04.140
  • So when you're setting a boundary,
  • 00:24:04.140 --> 00:24:06.170
  • you can be clear and kind.
  • 00:24:06.170 --> 00:24:09.130
  • Father I just pray for everyone watching
  • 00:24:09.130 --> 00:24:11.210
  • and I know that there are many people watching
  • 00:24:11.210 --> 00:24:15.050
  • who are navigating some tough family situations.
  • 00:24:15.050 --> 00:24:19.100
  • Perhaps some people in prison, some people who are in rehab,
  • 00:24:19.100 --> 00:24:24.100
  • and then maybe even some that have come out,
  • 00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:28.210
  • or come out of the rehab or out of prison
  • 00:24:28.210 --> 00:24:31.290
  • and at home now.
  • 00:24:31.290 --> 00:24:33.140
  • And so, just navigating some of that, or divorce.
  • 00:24:33.140 --> 00:24:37.060
  • So I know that there can be
  • 00:24:38.120 --> 00:24:39.250
  • a lot of family tensions and dynamics,
  • 00:24:39.250 --> 00:24:42.120
  • and they get elevated at Christmas.
  • 00:24:42.120 --> 00:24:43.240
  • And so, Father I just pray right now
  • 00:24:43.240 --> 00:24:45.190
  • that your spirit would invade every home.
  • 00:24:45.190 --> 00:24:47.290
  • That you're peace would invade every heart
  • 00:24:47.290 --> 00:24:51.200
  • and that your people, your people,
  • 00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:54.160
  • would actually be able to walk through this season
  • 00:24:54.160 --> 00:24:57.070
  • with a joy that's genuine and real.
  • 00:24:57.070 --> 00:24:59.160
  • Would be able to forgive those who are hurtful.
  • 00:25:00.230 --> 00:25:04.240
  • And I also pray God
  • 00:25:04.240 --> 00:25:06.010
  • that you would give all of us this ability
  • 00:25:06.010 --> 00:25:08.170
  • to set boundaries that aren't mean,
  • 00:25:08.170 --> 00:25:10.250
  • but that are clear, in order to protect our own hearts.
  • 00:25:10.250 --> 00:25:14.010
  • And I just pray that we would be wise with our time.
  • 00:25:14.010 --> 00:25:17.040
  • That we would find some time, and some margin,
  • 00:25:17.040 --> 00:25:19.060
  • in the midst of this season, to be with those closest to us.
  • 00:25:19.060 --> 00:25:23.280
  • And I pray that we would have our hearts open wide
  • 00:25:23.280 --> 00:25:27.090
  • and would bring people to the table
  • 00:25:27.090 --> 00:25:29.030
  • that need to encounter the love of God.
  • 00:25:29.030 --> 00:25:32.110
  • So I just pray Father that you'd give us wisdom this season
  • 00:25:32.110 --> 00:25:34.270
  • and peace.
  • 00:25:34.270 --> 00:25:36.110
  • And I pray that people would encounter your love
  • 00:25:36.110 --> 00:25:39.200
  • in such a fresh new way.
  • 00:25:39.200 --> 00:25:41.010
  • That it would be just so powerful.
  • 00:25:41.010 --> 00:25:45.010
  • And I thank you Jesus for who you are
  • 00:25:45.010 --> 00:25:48.270
  • and that you are the best gift, amen.
  • 00:25:48.270 --> 00:25:51.190
  • (sleigh bells)
  • 00:25:52.200 --> 00:25:54.040
  • - [Laurie] You can call the number on your screen right now
  • 00:25:54.040 --> 00:25:55.240
  • to talk to a prayer partner.
  • 00:25:55.240 --> 00:25:57.120
  • We're here for you 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
  • 00:25:57.120 --> 00:26:01.040
  • We love you, but most importantly, Jesus loves you.
  • 00:26:01.040 --> 00:26:04.270
  • - What better way to spend the holiday season
  • 00:26:04.270 --> 00:26:06.250
  • than to curl up on the couch
  • 00:26:06.250 --> 00:26:08.060
  • and catch up on "Better Together"?
  • 00:26:08.060 --> 00:26:09.290
  • - Yes, download the TBN app
  • 00:26:09.290 --> 00:26:12.090
  • to watch all of our latest conversations.
  • 00:26:12.090 --> 00:26:14.270
  • - And they're good ones too.
  • 00:26:14.270 --> 00:26:16.090
  • - Something we've never seen before,
  • 00:26:17.150 --> 00:26:19.090
  • it is snowing on the "Better Together" set.
  • 00:26:19.090 --> 00:26:21.180
  • - [Group] Yeah!
  • 00:26:21.180 --> 00:26:22.170
  • Merry Christmas!
  • 00:26:22.170 --> 00:26:23.240
  • We wish you a Merry Christmas
  • 00:26:23.240 --> 00:26:25.010
  • We wish you a Merry Christmas
  • 00:26:25.010 --> 00:26:26.230
  • We wish you a Merry Christmas
  • 00:26:26.230 --> 00:26:28.290
  • And a Happy New Year
  • 00:26:28.290 --> 00:26:31.240
  • Joy to the world
  • 00:26:31.240 --> 00:26:33.220
  • The Lord is come
  • 00:26:33.220 --> 00:26:36.090
  • Let earth receive her king
  • 00:26:36.090 --> 00:26:36.220
  • Let earth receive her king
  • 00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:40.130