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Dynamic Differences

February 26, 2018

27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

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Dynamic Differences

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- Since the beginning of time,
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marriage has been the foundation of society.
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And one of the secrets of success in marriage is
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you don't have to marry the perfect person
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who's just like you.
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- Yeah, you see God has created each of us
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with a unique set of strengths that when celebrated,
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rather than stifled, can unlock the true potential
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of your marriage.
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In Strengths Based Marriage, we've drawn from more
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than 50 years of research from the Gallop Institute,
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combined with over 35 years of experience
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in marriage counseling, to develop an
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incredibly exciting resource, that can literally
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revolutionize your relationship and prepare
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you for a life time of passion and intimacy.
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And we can't wait to share it with you.
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- That's right.
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When you learn to recognize and focus
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on the strengths of your spouse,
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you'll be able to celebrate what's right about them
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and value their God given differences, not resent them.
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So, join us on this journey to explore how implementing
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a strengths based marriage can bring you closer together
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than ever before with your spouse.
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- [Narrator] Dr. Donald O. Clifton was a forerunner
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in positive psychology.
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Through his research, he identified 34 universal strengths
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that exist within each individual.
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Working with Gallop, he developed the
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Strengths Finder Assessment, which reveals how our
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unique order of strengths affect the way we engage
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with the world around us.
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Influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
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Thousands of businesses, teams, and churches have harnessed
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this strengths based approach to interacting.
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Resulting in stronger relationships and greater performance.
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So, what happens when you apply these same ideas to your
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own personal relationships or even your marriage?
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On this journey, you will discover how to thrive
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in your strengths, recognize the positive traits
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in your partner, and develop your own
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strengths based marriage.
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(inspirational music)
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- I wanna talk to you about how to make your differences
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dynamic rather than dangerous, because many people,
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when they get married, they don't know how to understand
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their differences and because of that, they begin to fight,
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begin to judge each other,
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begin to try to change each other.
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This is what happened to my wife and I when we got married
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44 years ago. We've been married for 44 years.
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And when we first got married it was a nightmare.
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And I loved her, I was very attracted to her,
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she was attracted to me, we got married, and we began
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to fight just really, really bad fights, judging each other
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and, what I thought was, because she wasn't like me
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something was wrong with her, you know.
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Because I thought I was like the epicenter of normal,
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and if you're not like me then you ain't normal.
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Which she was very much unlike me in many areas,
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so different and I was different of course.
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And, so we fought and we were on the brink of divorce
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after several years of marriage.
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Really believing that we had made a mistake,
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that there was something wrong with both of us.
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We both had judged each other so much until we learned
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that we were different by God's design and we began
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to celebrate our differences.
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This is what changed our marriage.
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This is why Allan and I wrote the book
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on strength based marriage is because
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understanding your differences and making them dynamic,
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the way that God intended, and not dangerous,
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what happens when you don't understand your differences is
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what God made in marriage to help us to have a wonderful
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what God made in marriage to help us to have a wonderful
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fulfilling life and to be a team.
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This is how God made marriage.
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We're different but we make each other complete.
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We come together and we become whole when we celebrate
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our differences.
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Well, let me give you an example specifically
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of some things, areas, that we're different,
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and that they're wonderful when you understand it.
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First of all, all of our major needs are different.
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A woman, and I've taught this all over the world,
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hundreds of thousands of people, is that women
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number one need is security.
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The number two need, that most women have,
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is for open and honest communication.
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Women want to talk, they want the details not headlines.
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They want their husbands to patiently talk to them,
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and that's how they connect with their husbands world.
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They want soft, non-sexual affection.
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And they want leadership, they don't want to be dominated,
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but they want their husband to be the loving intiator
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of the finances, the children,
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the romance, the spirituality,
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those areas of the marriage.
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So, when a women, when she's happy in marriage
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and her needs are getting met, it's because
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security, communication, affection, and leadership,
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those needs are being met. But, men are not the same.
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A man's number one need is respect and honor,
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that's the mega need of men.
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Secondly is sex, is, I don't think that shocks anyone
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and there are some women more sexual than their husbands,
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but most men are more sexual than their wives.
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The third need of a man, is friendship with his wife.
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We like our wife to be our buddy and not our mother.
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And so, we want to be friends with our wives.
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The fourth is domestic support.
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And that doesn't mean that all of the household
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responsibilities fall to the wife, it means that only,
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only a woman can really turn a house into a home.
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It's a gift that women have.
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And so even if a woman works outside the home,
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a husband wants his wife to be domestically centered.
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So, his is, honor, and sex, and friendship,
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and domestic support.
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So, we're completely different.
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Well, when we didn't understand that,
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we judged each other and rejected each other,
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understand this, when you reject my needs, you reject me.
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I mean, we feel rejected, so Karen would say,
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"Can't you just hold me?"
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I thought, "That's weird."
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And she'd say, "Can't you just talk to me?"
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And I'd think, "You're nosy."
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And so every time she would tell me, you know,
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about her needs, I would judge her and reject her,
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then I would, you know, tell her,
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"I don't like it when you talk to me like that."
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And she say, "You're just too sensitive."
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And I would say, "I want more sex."
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And she'd say, "You're a pervert."
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And back and forth, back and forth.
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Well, understand this, the surest way to fail is
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to try to change the unchangeable. It's unchangeable.
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We are different by God's design.
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Well, another area that we were very different,
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and, was money. We couldn't talk about it.
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It was a radioactive issue in our marriage
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that we couldn't talk about.
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And I didn't know that there were four money languages.
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We just see money differently, but your, most of us
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are married to someone that just sees money differently.
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There's no right or wrong answer,
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it's not that it's bad or good, it's just different.
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And so, Karen is what's called an Antilytic,
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and to her money is security.
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And she's very generous, she's very good with money.
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But, she likes to save, she's a saver.
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I'm an Amiable, I, to me money is love.
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We just got back off vacation took our kids to Disneyland,
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I love to use money to love,
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and to bring our family together,
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to do things for people, and of course,
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my wife is the same way,
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but she's more of a saver, I'm more of a spender.
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Well, when we first got married we just had these
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horrible fights, because I said,
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"You're a tightwad. You're just a tightwad.
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"You're gonna die one day, you know,
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"with all your money in a mattress
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"and no one's gonna like you."
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And she said, "Well, at least I'll have a mattress."
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And so, with me, she called me a spendthrift, it was just,
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I got so mad, and we had these fights,
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"You're a tightwad." "You're a spendthrift."
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And see, what happens when you feel as though
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that your spouse has gone to an extreme,
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you'll go to the other extreme to try to balance them out.
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So, she, the more she felt like I was spending,
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the more she saved.
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Well, I didn't like that, so the more I tried to wrestle
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the money out of her tight little fist,
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the more she would begin rat-holing and hiding money,
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and then you just end up at polarities.
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Well, what's wrong. Nothing.
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We are design, we're a great team,
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what a great team, Team Evans is.
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We make better decisions together.
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You know, we've learned over the years,
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see if, there's the old saying,
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"If both of you are the same, one of you is unnecessary."
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We're different by God's design, we make a great team.
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We judged and rejected each other until we realized,
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it's just the way that God made us,
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and so we come together and make decisions,
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and they're balanced. And we respect each other.
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When Karen says, "Jimmy, I'd like to save a little
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"bit more money." I understand the balance of that.
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And I honor that.
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When I tell her, "I'd really like to do this
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"for our family." She honors that and respects it.
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So together we're such a great team,
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and I'm saying probably as a couple,
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you see money different, that's great.
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Well, let me talk about our strengths just a minute.
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Allan Kelsey the co-author of Strength Based Marriage,
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helped Karen and I a lot.
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We had a great marriage, I didn't know that, you know,
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our strengths were so different.
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So, and we have, you know, a lot of programs we're
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going to be talking about this.
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My number one strength is achiever.
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I'm a get it done guy.
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You want to get it done, I'm your guy.
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That's the number one thing that drives me.
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That's my wife's number 34.
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There are only 34 strengths.
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So, my number one is her number 34.
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My wife's number one is empathy.
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And empathy means, you know, caring for people,
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and being able to put yourself in other people's shoes,
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and just kind of having this, like, supernatural knowledge
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of what people are feeling and thinking.
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Which is my wife.
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That's my number 34. That's my bottom one.
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We are exact opposites.
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So, we'll have these conversations
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before we understood our strengths
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we would have these conversations,
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and I would say, "Karen, come over here,
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"I want to talk to you about this."
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And she would say, "I don't want to make a list with you.
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"I don't want you to tell me what needs to get done today."
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And I just thought, "Well, what else is there in life,
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"rather than gettin' things done?"
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'Cause I'm an achiever, I'm a get it done guy.
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Everyday I wake up with a knowledge of what I'm gonna
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do that day, and I'm gonna check off the list.
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But, my wife wakes up everyday to love people.
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To take care of me, to take care of our aging parents,
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to take care of our grandchildren,
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to relate to the people that she cares about.
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Well I'm, it's not like I'm an insensitive slob,
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it's just, that's my number 34.
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But, guess what, God gave me a woman to balance me.
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What, we're just such a great team.
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We get things done because of me,
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I'm saying get things done as far as task oriented,
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because my wife's a very hard worker.
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But she feels for us. She tells me how I'm feeling.
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I mean, we'll be having a conversation,
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and she'll say, "What do you think about that?"
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And I'll say, "I don't know."
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She'll say, "What do you feel about that?"
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And I'll say, "I don't know."
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'Cause I'm just, I just don't feel a whole lot,
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you know, like she does.
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She'll tell me how I'm feeling. And she's always right.
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You know, a week or two later I'm just thinking,
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"Well, that's exactly how I'm feeling."
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She knew two weeks ago how I was feeling.
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And what I realized one day is,
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I need someone in my life that's not like me.
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See, we used to fight and judge each other,
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our differences were dangerous.
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And we were rejecting and judging each other,
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because we didn't understand.
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1st Peter 3 tells men, "Live with your wives
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"with understanding, as a fellow heir of the grace of life.
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"Lest your prayers be hindered."
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And with understanding means respecting her differences,
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she's different.
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Women love it, they love it when their husband affirms them.
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Women love it, they love it when their husband affirms them.
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And they say, "Honey, can you hold me?"
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And "Honey, I really want you to be around this weekend,
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"because I need you to be here with me and the kids."
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And he doesn't roll his eyes, and judge her, and reject her,
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but he says, "I understand, Honey.
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You know, there's nothing more important to me
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than just being here with you and meeting your needs.
00:11:43.220 --> 00:11:46.080
Making sure that you're taken care of."
00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:47.230
Holding her, talking to her, being the leader of the home,
00:11:47.230 --> 00:11:51.100
not dominating, treating her as an equal,
00:11:51.100 --> 00:11:53.160
but leading her in the home,
00:11:53.160 --> 00:11:55.080
she's in heaven, it doesn't get any better than that.
00:11:55.080 --> 00:11:57.270
You're affirming her.
00:11:57.270 --> 00:11:59.200
If she has a different money language,
00:11:59.200 --> 00:12:01.120
you listen, you affirm her.
00:12:01.120 --> 00:12:03.020
Her strengths, you understand her strengths,
00:12:03.020 --> 00:12:05.140
which is so important, it gave Karen and I
00:12:05.140 --> 00:12:07.230
a different language in our marriage
00:12:07.230 --> 00:12:09.290
to understand, you know, she has empathy,
00:12:09.290 --> 00:12:12.050
I have achiever, we now have a language for that,
00:12:12.050 --> 00:12:15.070
and we respect that, and we're a great team.
00:12:15.070 --> 00:12:17.080
We're Team Evans.
00:12:17.080 --> 00:12:18.150
Our differences are not dangerous,
00:12:18.150 --> 00:12:20.220
our differences are awesome.
00:12:20.220 --> 00:12:23.070
We are a great team and you need to be thankful
00:12:23.070 --> 00:12:26.020
that God didn't give you somebody just like you.
00:12:26.020 --> 00:12:28.110
It would be a very boring life.
00:12:28.110 --> 00:12:30.140
God gave you someone different.
00:12:30.140 --> 00:12:32.140
And understanding those differences,
00:12:32.140 --> 00:12:34.150
makes your marriage dynamic.
00:12:34.150 --> 00:12:37.030
Let me say this, there are three types of differences
00:12:37.030 --> 00:12:40.130
in marriages.
00:12:40.130 --> 00:12:41.210
One is rejected, this is how we started out.
00:12:41.210 --> 00:12:44.210
We rejected each other's differences, that's the worst.
00:12:44.210 --> 00:12:47.160
The next is tolerated, you just, you don't really
00:12:47.160 --> 00:12:50.250
celebrate it, you just kind of tolerate it,
00:12:50.250 --> 00:12:52.150
you know, roll your eyes, "Women, you can't live with them,
00:12:52.150 --> 00:12:54.290
"and you can't live without them." That's tolerating.
00:12:54.290 --> 00:12:58.070
The third is celebrating.
00:12:58.070 --> 00:13:00.090
This is, this is where we need to be.
00:13:00.090 --> 00:13:02.260
We celebrate the fact that we're different.
00:13:02.260 --> 00:13:05.150
I celebrate Karen.
00:13:05.150 --> 00:13:07.000
44 years of marriage, 44 years ago, I saw her on the outside
00:13:08.150 --> 00:13:12.010
and I thought, "She's hot. Like her.
00:13:13.030 --> 00:13:14.170
"I want to spend the rest of my life with her."
00:13:14.170 --> 00:13:16.160
But then, she just drove me crazy.
00:13:16.160 --> 00:13:18.160
Not because there was something wrong with her,
00:13:18.160 --> 00:13:20.200
there was something wrong with me.
00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:22.270
I want to encourage you,
00:13:22.270 --> 00:13:24.290
learn about the differences in your spouse,
00:13:24.290 --> 00:13:28.070
celebrate those differences.
00:13:28.070 --> 00:13:30.030
And they will be dynamic and they will lead to a very,
00:13:30.030 --> 00:13:32.260
very happy marriage.
00:13:32.260 --> 00:13:34.160
- [Female Narrator] T.B.N. wants you to discover the truths
00:13:35.270 --> 00:13:37.120
and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage.
00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:39.230
And you will begin to see your relationship with your spouse
00:13:39.230 --> 00:13:42.020
in a whole new way.
00:13:42.020 --> 00:13:44.000
Call or go online to request this powerful collection
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:46.210
today with your gift of $120 or more.
00:13:46.210 --> 00:13:49.260
And as our thank you for supporting T.B.N.,
00:13:49.260 --> 00:13:52.070
we will rush these incredible resources to you, today.
00:13:52.070 --> 00:13:55.160
Call 800-626-7454
00:13:55.160 --> 00:13:59.140
or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
00:14:00.120 --> 00:14:03.040
- If you're just tuning in,
00:14:06.150 --> 00:14:07.280
welcome to Strengths Based Marriage.
00:14:07.280 --> 00:14:10.010
We have a guest couple with us today,
00:14:10.010 --> 00:14:11.240
let's have a look at how their strengths
00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:13.180
influence their marriage.
00:14:13.180 --> 00:14:16.000
Today's couple is Jimmy and Karen Evans form Dallas, Texas.
00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:19.220
Jimmy's top five strengths are Achiever, Self-Assurance,
00:14:19.220 --> 00:14:23.020
Command, Relator, and Learner.
00:14:23.020 --> 00:14:25.290
Karen's top five strengths are Empathy, Developer,
00:14:25.290 --> 00:14:29.020
Restorative, Responsibility, and Harmony.
00:14:29.020 --> 00:14:32.150
- I'm Allan Kelsey and I'm the co-author of
00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:35.200
Strengths Based Marriage and I'm really happy to be here
00:14:35.200 --> 00:14:37.220
with you, with my lovely bride Stephanie.
00:14:37.220 --> 00:14:39.260
- Thank you.
00:14:39.260 --> 00:14:41.030
- Hi, Darling, good to have you here.
00:14:41.030 --> 00:14:41.270
- Good to be here.
00:14:41.270 --> 00:14:43.030
- I always feel stronger when you're present.
00:14:43.030 --> 00:14:44.040
Yep. - I like that.
00:14:44.040 --> 00:14:45.200
- We've been married 25 years in May.
00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:48.010
- Yep.
00:14:48.010 --> 00:14:49.100
- So, we're gonna do something special
00:14:49.100 --> 00:14:52.010
and we're, have exceptional guests with us today.
00:14:52.010 --> 00:14:54.180
The co-author, also, of Strengths Based Marriage,
00:14:54.180 --> 00:14:56.180
Jimmy and Karen, thank you so much
00:14:56.180 --> 00:14:57.280
for joining us here, today.
00:14:57.280 --> 00:14:59.030
- Thank you. - Good to be here.
00:14:59.030 --> 00:15:00.200
- We are very excited to be able to have just a short
00:15:00.200 --> 00:15:02.080
time to communicate with you about what Strengths
00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:05.090
has done in your marriage, and so, I've got some
00:15:05.090 --> 00:15:07.040
thoughts for you, I'm just going to get right in there.
00:15:07.040 --> 00:15:09.040
- [Jimmy] Good.
00:15:09.040 --> 00:15:10.190
- Earlier in the episode you were talking about how
00:15:10.190 --> 00:15:12.250
in your early portions of your marriage there was,
00:15:12.250 --> 00:15:15.120
you know, you were learning about each other,
00:15:15.120 --> 00:15:17.150
but there was also some rejection
00:15:17.150 --> 00:15:18.240
of each other along the way.
00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:20.100
If you fast forward from that place,
00:15:20.100 --> 00:15:22.170
to where you are now, knowing what you do now
00:15:22.170 --> 00:15:24.160
about strengths, what kind of problems might that have
00:15:24.160 --> 00:15:27.040
solved for you early on in that?
00:15:27.040 --> 00:15:28.260
- Oh every, every problem, probably, honestly.
00:15:28.260 --> 00:15:31.250
I thought Karen was defective.
00:15:31.250 --> 00:15:34.070
- [Karen] Excuse me.
00:15:34.070 --> 00:15:35.140
(laughs)
00:15:35.140 --> 00:15:36.090
- Well, I did.
00:15:36.090 --> 00:15:37.160
- [Stephanie] He knows better now.
00:15:37.160 --> 00:15:38.220
- I know.
00:15:38.220 --> 00:15:39.170
(laughs)
00:15:39.170 --> 00:15:40.220
- Well, I just thought, I thought you were
00:15:40.220 --> 00:15:42.050
supposed to be the same.
00:15:42.050 --> 00:15:43.200
I thought that compatibility meant that we would be the same
00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:47.250
and I thought we're not the same.
00:15:48.280 --> 00:15:50.040
In fact, we're just so not the same.
00:15:50.040 --> 00:15:53.200
And Karen would feel, I mean, she's,
00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:56.180
Empathy is her number one strength, that's my number 34.
00:15:56.180 --> 00:15:59.290
And I just thought, "she feels too much.
00:15:59.290 --> 00:16:02.270
"She's too emotional." And I would shame it.
00:16:02.270 --> 00:16:06.200
And I would say, "You're too emotional, stop it."
00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:09.160
Well, it's trying to stop the unstoppable.
00:16:09.160 --> 00:16:12.180
You're not gonna do it.
00:16:12.180 --> 00:16:13.260
And you're putting a lid on top of steam,
00:16:13.260 --> 00:16:16.140
it's going to boil, and that's what happened.
00:16:16.140 --> 00:16:18.180
Is that I would just sit there and judge her,
00:16:18.180 --> 00:16:21.140
and reject her, and she was being who God made her to be.
00:16:21.140 --> 00:16:25.190
And if I would have known that, if I could go back 44 years,
00:16:27.010 --> 00:16:29.190
what I would have done is to listen more attentively,
00:16:29.190 --> 00:16:33.160
what I would have done is to listen more attentively,
00:16:33.160 --> 00:16:35.140
and to affirm her, when she would come to me
00:16:36.180 --> 00:16:38.060
and say something, I would say, "That's so brilliant.
00:16:38.060 --> 00:16:40.060
"That's so great."
00:16:40.060 --> 00:16:42.130
Because Karen is very relationally-oriented,
00:16:42.130 --> 00:16:45.230
and I'm very goal-oriented.
00:16:45.230 --> 00:16:47.160
I see, I'm relational I love my family, I love God,
00:16:47.160 --> 00:16:51.010
you know, but that's not my number one.
00:16:51.010 --> 00:16:53.290
That's her num--, she wakes up
00:16:53.290 --> 00:16:54.270
in the morning to relate, okay?
00:16:54.270 --> 00:16:57.050
And I felt like she was too demanding of me relationally.
00:16:57.050 --> 00:17:01.050
And I felt like she was too demanding of me relationally.
00:17:01.050 --> 00:17:03.230
I thought her expectations were wrong.
00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:06.090
And so, we just fought, and strengths would have changed,
00:17:06.090 --> 00:17:09.210
completely, the way that I talked to her,
00:17:09.210 --> 00:17:13.040
the way that I listened to her,
00:17:13.040 --> 00:17:15.080
the way that I treated her.
00:17:15.080 --> 00:17:17.010
I mean, and, and, you know, and we learned about our
00:17:17.010 --> 00:17:19.130
strengths about six years ago,
00:17:19.130 --> 00:17:20.160
you taught us and you helped us.
00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:23.040
And we had a good marriage, but strengths just
00:17:23.040 --> 00:17:25.060
took it to the next level.
00:17:25.060 --> 00:17:26.170
- Wow, see you said that you really admired him,
00:17:26.170 --> 00:17:29.080
even early on when there was some difficulties,
00:17:29.080 --> 00:17:31.110
that's, that just shows me that
00:17:31.110 --> 00:17:32.210
even in troubled relationships, there's always hope,
00:17:32.210 --> 00:17:35.130
isn't there?
00:17:35.130 --> 00:17:36.180
(hums in agreement) - Absolutely.
00:17:36.180 --> 00:17:38.010
- So, when you're thinking about admiring him,
00:17:38.010 --> 00:17:39.090
is it just something you're thinking of,
00:17:39.090 --> 00:17:40.220
or were you able to articulate it?
00:17:40.220 --> 00:17:42.170
- I've always seen that gift in him.
00:17:42.170 --> 00:17:44.120
It's being able to talk, you know,
00:17:44.120 --> 00:17:46.090
and he's a great learner,
00:17:46.090 --> 00:17:47.280
he knows everything about everything.
00:17:47.280 --> 00:17:50.020
And it's not an arrogant thing, he just does.
00:17:50.020 --> 00:17:52.130
The whole family's like, "Dad tell us this..."
00:17:52.130 --> 00:17:54.100
you know, so we always go to him for information,
00:17:54.100 --> 00:17:57.000
'cause he's always attaining, so I love that.
00:17:57.000 --> 00:17:59.130
You know, 'cause I'm not a learner, you know,
00:17:59.130 --> 00:18:01.230
I want somebody just to teach me. Tell me.
00:18:01.230 --> 00:18:03.260
- Well, that's true you have Learner, right?
00:18:03.260 --> 00:18:04.270
- Oh yeah, oh yeah.
00:18:04.270 --> 00:18:06.150
What drives him crazy, if I come into the room
00:18:06.150 --> 00:18:08.160
and want to talk about, "Jimmy, I just think,
00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:10.070
"so and so, so and so, so and so, and I can see this..."
00:18:10.070 --> 00:18:13.020
It's like his brain is like, your--
00:18:13.020 --> 00:18:15.090
- I can only take so much of that, but she's so good at it.
00:18:15.090 --> 00:18:18.200
- That's 'cause that's how I see.
00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:20.150
- And in our relationship we're a team,
00:18:20.150 --> 00:18:23.060
we really are a team, and when it comes to
00:18:23.060 --> 00:18:25.100
relationships and that type of thing,
00:18:25.100 --> 00:18:28.240
I just, I can't, I'm just not on that level.
00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:32.170
And she'll sit there and talk and I,
00:18:32.170 --> 00:18:35.160
I admire it, but use to what I would just say is,
00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:38.280
"Leave 'em alone, Karen. Leave everybody alone.
00:18:38.280 --> 00:18:42.020
"Why are you up in everybody's business.
00:18:42.020 --> 00:18:43.260
"And why are you talking about like that?"
00:18:43.260 --> 00:18:45.050
Because I didn't understand it.
00:18:45.050 --> 00:18:47.110
Now, I'm just saying, "Thank God I have her in my life,
00:18:47.110 --> 00:18:51.000
"because our family, our parents, our friends, every
00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:55.050
"relationship in our life is better because of her."
00:18:56.190 --> 00:18:59.090
And she keeps the integrity of our home.
00:18:59.090 --> 00:19:03.090
And, but with me, I keep us on track
00:19:03.090 --> 00:19:06.090
of accomplishing God's purpose.
00:19:07.220 --> 00:19:08.290
- [Allan] Sure.
00:19:08.290 --> 00:19:10.020
- For us. - [Allan] Good team.
00:19:10.020 --> 00:19:11.170
- Yeah, we're a great team, so early on in our marriage we,
00:19:11.170 --> 00:19:14.240
Karen, I did greatly admire Karen and she greatly admired me
00:19:16.060 --> 00:19:19.000
it was the confusion about our strengths,
00:19:19.000 --> 00:19:22.280
that created a lot of conflict, especially with me.
00:19:22.280 --> 00:19:26.010
Because I was dominant in trying to change her,
00:19:26.010 --> 00:19:29.030
she would tell me how I was feeling.
00:19:29.030 --> 00:19:31.210
And, early in our marriage, and she was always
00:19:31.210 --> 00:19:33.270
wanting to know how I felt, and I just thought,
00:19:33.270 --> 00:19:35.150
"That's a boundary, I'm not telling you how I feel."
00:19:35.150 --> 00:19:39.140
Well, of course, women they don't want
00:19:39.140 --> 00:19:41.130
you just to communicate, they want to tell you,
00:19:41.130 --> 00:19:42.290
they want you to tell your feelings.
00:19:42.290 --> 00:19:44.090
- [Allen] Uh huh. - [Stephanie] Yes.
00:19:44.090 --> 00:19:45.080
- They want to open up feelings,
00:19:45.080 --> 00:19:46.070
well I didn't know my feelings.
00:19:46.070 --> 00:19:47.140
- [Stephanie] And then let's go deeper.
00:19:47.140 --> 00:19:48.220
- [Jimmy] Yeah and she said one time--
00:19:48.220 --> 00:19:49.190
- More? You want more?
00:19:49.190 --> 00:19:51.030
- She knew something that happened it my past,
00:19:51.030 --> 00:19:53.130
and she said, "That really devastated you."
00:19:53.130 --> 00:19:55.150
and I thought, "That didn't devastate me." But, it did.
00:19:55.150 --> 00:19:59.200
A couple weeks later I was praying, in my quiet time,
00:20:01.050 --> 00:20:02.280
and the Holy Spirit just took me back to what
00:20:02.280 --> 00:20:05.160
had happened, it devastated me.
00:20:05.160 --> 00:20:07.290
Well, she, but it was, Karen helped to wire me emotionally.
00:20:07.290 --> 00:20:11.160
So, a lot of times, what's irritating you about your spouse,
00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:15.070
is a strength that you don't understand.
00:20:15.070 --> 00:20:17.130
- [Allan] Ah, it's misdiagnosed.
00:20:17.130 --> 00:20:18.190
- Not always true.
00:20:18.190 --> 00:20:20.020
- And usually your strengths come so easy for you,
00:20:20.020 --> 00:20:21.160
that you don't see it the way the other person's
00:20:21.160 --> 00:20:24.200
feeling it, you know.
00:20:24.200 --> 00:20:25.270
You just think it's a natural thing, you know,
00:20:25.270 --> 00:20:27.260
"Everybody should be like this."
00:20:27.260 --> 00:20:29.070
- [Allan] Yes. - [Stephanie] Yes.
00:20:29.070 --> 00:20:30.140
- But, here's the point, I don't have empathy,
00:20:30.140 --> 00:20:31.270
but I have a wife with empathy. So, I have empathy.
00:20:31.270 --> 00:20:33.290
Is if I respect her and we act as a team,
00:20:33.290 --> 00:20:37.230
but if you try to force me to have empathy,
00:20:37.230 --> 00:20:40.040
it's gonna be a bad day.
00:20:40.040 --> 00:20:41.270
- Jimmy, bring a little clarity to this idea,
00:20:41.270 --> 00:20:43.120
because the Bible says,
00:20:43.120 --> 00:20:44.170
"The two are supposed to become one."
00:20:44.170 --> 00:20:46.040
And you mentioned earlier, like,
00:20:46.040 --> 00:20:47.200
I thought we were supposed to become the same person,
00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:49.050
but that's really not what that means.
00:20:49.050 --> 00:20:50.280
- Exactly, the misunderstanding, this was a misunderstanding
00:20:50.280 --> 00:20:54.030
I had when we got married, I thought compatibility
00:20:54.030 --> 00:20:56.200
meant sameness.
00:20:56.200 --> 00:20:58.060
See it says, "In the image of God, He created him.
00:20:58.060 --> 00:21:01.100
"Male and female, He created them."
00:21:01.100 --> 00:21:04.150
And male and female is different. We fit together.
00:21:04.150 --> 00:21:08.180
We're very different, but we fit together.
00:21:08.180 --> 00:21:10.150
And so, we're different by God's design.
00:21:10.150 --> 00:21:13.060
And, a lot of things about us, our needs,
00:21:13.060 --> 00:21:17.110
our deepest needs, our strengths, there are many things
00:21:17.110 --> 00:21:20.070
that are different.
00:21:20.070 --> 00:21:21.230
What you want to marry is your compatible opposite.
00:21:21.230 --> 00:21:24.070
But, compatibility is based on shared faith,
00:21:24.070 --> 00:21:27.290
shared values, and shared goals, not sameness.
00:21:27.290 --> 00:21:32.030
We share Jesus in common.
00:21:33.020 --> 00:21:34.260
We have the same character, we have the same values.
00:21:34.260 --> 00:21:38.140
We want to go to the same place in life,
00:21:38.140 --> 00:21:40.250
in other words, if one person wants to have seven children
00:21:40.250 --> 00:21:43.260
and live on a farm, and the other person wants to have
00:21:43.260 --> 00:21:47.170
two children and live in Manhattan, you got a problem.
00:21:47.170 --> 00:21:50.140
(group agrees)
00:21:50.140 --> 00:21:51.280
You may both be Christians, but you don't have shared goals.
00:21:51.280 --> 00:21:55.130
Okay, you may have shared character.
00:21:55.130 --> 00:21:57.110
But, what you want is compatibility, but if you're
00:21:57.110 --> 00:22:01.020
100% compatible, you're not the same.
00:22:01.020 --> 00:22:04.150
And people, and people go online, online dating,
00:22:04.150 --> 00:22:07.260
which is great, and they have all those categories,
00:22:07.260 --> 00:22:10.190
you know, they, I'm gonna, I want this, this, and this,
00:22:10.190 --> 00:22:13.250
and you find person that matches in all your categories,
00:22:13.250 --> 00:22:16.020
super deal, you're going to be
00:22:16.020 --> 00:22:17.210
very different than that person.
00:22:17.210 --> 00:22:19.090
Sometimes, I think that the online dating,
00:22:19.090 --> 00:22:22.130
though it's fine, it's great, great way to meet people,
00:22:22.130 --> 00:22:25.040
is, it can set a person up for wrong expectations.
00:22:25.040 --> 00:22:28.230
Because we were compatible online, we're just gonna
00:22:28.230 --> 00:22:32.270
Because we were compatible online, we're just gonna
00:22:32.270 --> 00:22:34.110
have the same thoughts and finish each other's sentences,
00:22:34.110 --> 00:22:36.180
and be in a eternal mind meld, it's not gonna happen.
00:22:36.180 --> 00:22:40.000
You're gonna be very, very different,
00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:41.200
and so, what I love about strengths, Allan what you say,
00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:45.010
is your top five strengths there's only
00:22:45.010 --> 00:22:48.170
one in 30 million people.
00:22:48.170 --> 00:22:50.010
- [Allan] That's right, that's right.
00:22:50.010 --> 00:22:51.260
- So, it's almost impossible to marry a person
00:22:51.260 --> 00:22:56.010
just like you.
00:22:56.190 --> 00:22:57.090
- [Allan] Yeah.
00:22:57.090 --> 00:22:58.070
- It virtually is impossible.
00:22:58.070 --> 00:22:59.120
And that's not wrong, that's right.
00:22:59.120 --> 00:23:01.010
But, if you celebrate it, it's beautiful.
00:23:01.010 --> 00:23:04.080
Y'all do, we do, okay?
00:23:04.080 --> 00:23:06.100
And especially when you have to understand it,
00:23:06.100 --> 00:23:08.250
and then you celebrate it, when you reject it,
00:23:08.250 --> 00:23:11.180
it's devastation, because when you come to me
00:23:11.180 --> 00:23:15.130
and you reject who I am, because we're wired this way
00:23:15.130 --> 00:23:19.180
from birth, when I wake up in the morning,
00:23:20.210 --> 00:23:21.280
I don't have to make myself be an achiever.
00:23:21.280 --> 00:23:22.280
- [Allan] Yeah.
00:23:22.280 --> 00:23:23.260
- Or a learner.
00:23:23.260 --> 00:23:25.030
- When my feet hit the floor, I'm ready to go.
00:23:25.030 --> 00:23:26.140
- Absolutely.
00:23:26.140 --> 00:23:27.270
Karen doesn't have to talk herself in to being empathetic,
00:23:27.270 --> 00:23:29.290
and to caring about people, like Stephanie.
00:23:29.290 --> 00:23:33.040
But, if you try to shut it off,
00:23:33.040 --> 00:23:35.110
oh, that's a real problem.
00:23:35.110 --> 00:23:37.000
- [Allan] Yeah.
00:23:37.000 --> 00:23:38.130
- 'Cause now, you're rejecting the essence of who I am.
00:23:38.130 --> 00:23:41.090
And I think, I believe that strengths,
00:23:41.090 --> 00:23:44.080
'cause we've done marriage ministry for 35 years,
00:23:44.080 --> 00:23:47.090
I believe that Strengths is, it gives a language
00:23:47.090 --> 00:23:51.030
to our differences, and an understanding to our differences
00:23:51.030 --> 00:23:55.030
like nothing I've ever seen.
00:23:55.030 --> 00:23:56.080
- Karen, anything you want to...
00:23:56.080 --> 00:23:57.220
- I have a question, 'cause you're so good at this.
00:23:57.220 --> 00:24:00.210
I was thinking as we're talking about friendships,
00:24:00.210 --> 00:24:03.170
you know, like you and Jimmy, you're friends,
00:24:03.170 --> 00:24:06.010
and her and I are, you know, the friends that we have
00:24:06.010 --> 00:24:08.110
outside of this, you know, and I'm thinking
00:24:08.110 --> 00:24:10.050
I really don't have that many friends,
00:24:10.050 --> 00:24:11.160
I can think of, that have empathy.
00:24:11.160 --> 00:24:13.110
and I think it's interesting that as friends even,
00:24:13.110 --> 00:24:15.260
if you look at the friends that you have around you,
00:24:15.260 --> 00:24:18.060
they don't, probably, have your top two or three.
00:24:18.060 --> 00:24:21.170
You know, like he's not best friends with a bunch of
00:24:21.170 --> 00:24:23.100
achievers, 'cause how boring would that be? (laughs)
00:24:23.100 --> 00:24:26.070
- [Allan] I know this person already.
00:24:26.070 --> 00:24:27.210
- Yeah, so I think back to, you know,
00:24:27.210 --> 00:24:29.120
how many times in a marriage,
00:24:29.120 --> 00:24:31.020
before you get married and you're producing
00:24:31.020 --> 00:24:33.080
a friendship first, and how that is, you know,
00:24:33.080 --> 00:24:37.010
what you start on and you remember, it's built on things
00:24:37.010 --> 00:24:40.090
that you really liked about each other.
00:24:40.090 --> 00:24:42.140
(group agrees)
00:24:42.140 --> 00:24:43.270
- And that's a great point, because it's not just
00:24:43.270 --> 00:24:45.090
about your marriage.
00:24:45.090 --> 00:24:46.130
It's about your children, your friends,
00:24:46.130 --> 00:24:48.170
everyone has strengths.
00:24:48.170 --> 00:24:50.250
- It's really true.
00:24:50.250 --> 00:24:52.110
These strengths make their way into so many different
00:24:52.110 --> 00:24:54.110
elements of our lives, not just marriage or relationships.
00:24:54.110 --> 00:24:58.130
Jimmy, Karen, thank you so much for--
00:24:58.130 --> 00:25:00.170
- Thank you.
00:25:00.170 --> 00:25:01.270
- [Allan] Joining us today. - It was so fun.
00:25:01.270 --> 00:25:03.130
- [Allan] Real pleasure to spend some time with you.
00:25:03.130 --> 00:25:05.130
- I love to see stories like that,
00:25:05.130 --> 00:25:07.080
that's why we do what we do and an example of the impact
00:25:07.080 --> 00:25:10.230
these powerful resources can have on your marriage.
00:25:10.230 --> 00:25:13.210
- Yeah, for example, maybe your number one strength
00:25:13.210 --> 00:25:16.220
is empathy and your spouses strength is to be restorative,
00:25:16.220 --> 00:25:20.140
being aware of that is so important,
00:25:20.140 --> 00:25:22.200
because it will help you to understand
00:25:22.200 --> 00:25:24.020
how each of you think.
00:25:24.020 --> 00:25:25.210
Because while someone who is empathetic will feel what
00:25:25.210 --> 00:25:28.130
others are feeling, a restorative spouse will see a problem,
00:25:28.130 --> 00:25:31.230
and try to fix it.
00:25:31.230 --> 00:25:33.070
They both want there to be resolution and understanding,
00:25:33.070 --> 00:25:36.230
peace and growth, but their perspectives are completely
00:25:36.230 --> 00:25:39.250
opposite and if misunderstood by each other,
00:25:39.250 --> 00:25:42.270
can be cause for some really heated discussion.
00:25:42.270 --> 00:25:45.170
- But trust me, no matter what situation you're in,
00:25:45.170 --> 00:25:48.230
your marriage can thrive in every area,
00:25:48.230 --> 00:25:51.230
emotionally, physically, and spiritually,
00:25:51.230 --> 00:25:53.280
and we want to help you experience that, today.
00:25:53.280 --> 00:25:56.160
So, request your Strengths Based Marriage resources
00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:59.130
with your gift and discover the principles you need
00:25:59.130 --> 00:26:02.090
to see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage
00:26:02.090 --> 00:26:05.150
in a new, amazing way.
00:26:05.150 --> 00:26:07.100
- [Female Narrator] T.B.N. wants you to discover the
00:26:08.240 --> 00:26:10.130
truths and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage,
00:26:10.130 --> 00:26:13.110
and you will begin to see your relationship with your spouse
00:26:13.110 --> 00:26:15.240
in a whole new way.
00:26:15.240 --> 00:26:17.090
Call or go online to request this powerful collection,
00:26:17.090 --> 00:26:20.040
today with your gift of $120 or more,
00:26:20.040 --> 00:26:23.020
and as our thank you for supporting T.B.N.
00:26:23.020 --> 00:26:25.170
We will rush these incredible resources to you, today.
00:26:25.170 --> 00:26:28.290
Call 800-626-7454
00:26:28.290 --> 00:26:33.010
or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
00:26:33.010 --> 00:26:36.180
- I hope you learned something from the struggles
00:26:39.180 --> 00:26:42.050
and ultimate success that Karen and I have experienced,
00:26:42.050 --> 00:26:45.040
by recognizing that we were two wounded individuals
00:26:45.040 --> 00:26:48.220
that God wanted to use in each other's lives,
00:26:48.220 --> 00:26:51.100
to bring wholeness and healing.
00:26:51.100 --> 00:26:53.220
We've got to stop rejecting our spouses and begin
00:26:53.220 --> 00:26:56.070
to recognize that our differences are a necessary
00:26:56.070 --> 00:26:59.040
component of team work.
00:26:59.040 --> 00:27:00.250
One of the ways that we can do that is learn
00:27:00.250 --> 00:27:02.200
how to really affirm our partners.
00:27:02.200 --> 00:27:04.190
- So, tune in next time to explore the importance
00:27:04.190 --> 00:27:07.020
of affirmation and the power we hold
00:27:07.020 --> 00:27:09.090
to make our spouses feel treasured and appreciated.
00:27:09.090 --> 00:27:12.250
There is hope for every marriage.
00:27:12.250 --> 00:27:15.020
And it begins, with following God's plan,
00:27:15.020 --> 00:27:17.230
and embracing the revelations we'll discover
00:27:17.230 --> 00:27:20.050
on the next episode of Strengths Based Marriage.
00:27:20.050 --> 00:27:23.040
See you next time.
00:27:23.040 --> 00:27:24.190

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Dynamic Differences

Dynamic Differences

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Dynamic Differences

Dynamic Differences

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