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Inner Vows

March 12, 2018

27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

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Inner Vows

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the foundation of society, and one of the secrets
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of success in marriage is you don't have to marry
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the perfect person, who's just like you.
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- Yeah, you see, God has created each of us
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with a unique set of strengths, that when celebrated
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rather than stifled, can unlock
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the true potential of your marriage.
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In Strengths Based Marriage, we've drawn from
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more than 50 years of research from the Gallup Institute,
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combined with over 35 years of experience
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in marriage counseling, to develop an incredibly exciting
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resource that can literally revolutionize your relationship,
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and prepare you for a lifetime of passion and intimacy,
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and we can't wait to share it with you.
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- That's right, when you learn to recognize and focus
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on the strengths of your spouse, you'll be able to
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celebrate what's right about them, and value their
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God-given differences, not resent them.
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So join us on this journey to explore how implementing
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a strengths-based marriage can bring you closer together
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than ever before with your spouse.
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- [Announcer] Dr. Donald O. Clifton was a forerunner
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in positive psychology.
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Through his research, he identified 34 universal strengths
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that exist within each individual.
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Working with Gallup, he developed
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the StrengthsFinder Assessment, which reveals how
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our unique order of strengths affect the way
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we engage with the world around us, influencing our
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thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
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Thousands of businesses, teams, and churches
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have harnessed this strengths-based approach to interacting,
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resulting in stronger relationships and greater performance.
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So, what happens when you apply these same ideas to
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your own personal relationships, or even your marriage?
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On this journey, you will discover how to thrive
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in your strengths, recognize the positive traits
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in your partner, and develop your own
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strengths-based marriage.
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- I wanna talk to you about a very, very common
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dynamic that happens in our lives, that affects
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our marriages, really it affects every relationship
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in our lives.
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Very common, very destructive, and the biggest problem
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with this issue is that most people have no idea
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that it's taking place, and because of that,
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they don't know what to do about it, and I certainly didn't.
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When my wife and I got married, 44 years ago,
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I had never heard anyone talk about inner vows.
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I had a bunch of them, my wife had a bunch of them,
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and they got married, and began to have tremendous problems
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in the way that we related to each other, because we had
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both made inner vows.
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Now, an inner vow is a self-promise we make
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to ourselves, in response to pain or difficulty in life.
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One of the universal things that all of us have in common
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is problems and pain.
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Sometimes very intense pain.
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Abuse, rejection, poverty, you know,
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rejection by the opposite sex, divorce,
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maybe the divorce of our parents, sickness, serious illness,
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and in response to pain, the right thing to do
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in response to pain or problems is to trust God,
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and to turn to Him and pray.
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Unfortunately, when we're young, and when we're
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not believers, even when we are believers,
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sometimes to comfort ourselves, we don't do this
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because we're evil, we don't do it because we mean
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to do something wrong, we just do it to comfort ourselves,
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and even though it's innocent and normal, very destructive,
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very destructive, I'm reading a scripture here
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in just a minute, and I'll show you what Jesus
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had to say about this, because Jesus said something
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about it that's very, very interesting.
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But you know, when we're going through problems in life,
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this is an example of saying, "No one's ever
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"going to hurt me again."
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You know, you're going through just a really,
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really difficult time, and you say,
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"I'm never going to let a woman or a man
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"treat me like this again, I'm never going to be poor again,
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"I'm never going to be vulnerable again."
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And so, it's innocent, and we're saying it to comfort
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ourselves, because "I don't wanna come back here,
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"I don't wanna come back here, I don't want to experience
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"this kind of pain again, so I'm gonna make myself
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"a promise, I'm never gonna be poor again.
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"I'm never gonna be this vulnerable again,
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"I'm never gonna put myself in this situation."
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Innocent, but listen to what Jesus had to say about it,
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because this is interesting.
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"Again, you have heard that it was said to those of old,
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"you shall not swear falsely, but shall perform your oaths
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"to the Lord, but I say to you, do not swear at all,
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"neither by Heaven, for it is God's throne,
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"nor by the Earth, for it is his footstool,
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"nor by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King,
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"nor shall you swear by your head, because you cannot
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"make one hair white or black, but let your yes be yes,
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"and your no, no, for whatever is more than these
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"is from the evil one."
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Now, that's a really interesting comment.
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Jesus said, "You swear, you perform your oaths to the Lord."
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When you're making a promise, when you're making an oath,
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you can only do that to God, in an appropriate way.
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But if you swear to yourself, or something else,
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it's evil, and you're saying "Whoa."
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Why in the world would Jesus say that's evil?
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Because first of all, in any area of my life,
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where I have an inner vow operating, Jesus is not
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Lord of that area, I'll give you an example.
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So let's just say that I was raised in poverty,
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and one day I say, "I'm never gonna be poor again."
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Jesus is not Lord of my finances.
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You see people who are poor, and they make that inner vow
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that they don't operate their finances, typically,
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in a Godly way, because "Jesus isn't Lord, I'm Lord.
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"No one's ever gonna hurt me again," well guess
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who's not the Lord of your relationships?
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In any area, I promise, and I'm saying
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as a Christian person, because I know you're a Christian,
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and I know you love Jesus, I loved Jesus,
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I was a Christian person, and I had multiple inner vows,
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and my wife also had multiple inner vows operating
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in her life, and it doesn't mean you're not going to Heaven,
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doesn't mean you don't love Jesus, it just means in those
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respective areas, where Jesus is not the Lord of your life,
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it just means, I mean that you've made an inner vow,
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it just simply means that Jesus is not Lord of that
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specific area, and that causes all kinds of problems.
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You say yourself, "No woman, no man is ever gonna treat
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You say yourself, "No woman, no man is ever gonna treat
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me like that again," well let me say this.
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Not only is Jesus not Lord in an area that you have
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an inner vow, it causes you to overreact
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and become extreme in that area.
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I have counseled thousands and thousands of couples,
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and some of the worst counseling situations I've had,
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it goes back to an inner vow.
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Back to someone, for example, that had been through a
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previous divorce, and they said,
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"I'll never let a woman treat me like this again,
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"I'll never let a man treat me like this again."
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And see, what happens when you make that kind of vow is
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you become hypervigilant, and your new spouse is guilty
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until they're proven innocent.
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They're not innocent until they're proven guilty.
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There's not a normal level of trust, is now because
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I made myself this vow, that no one's gonna treat me
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like this again, I become this hypervigilant, dominant,
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protective person that can't be intimate with anybody.
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Because intimacy requires trust.
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Intimacy requires vulnerability.
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And when you've said, "I'll never be vulnerable again,
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"no one will ever hurt me again," see, when we're hurting,
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we take it to the Lord, and we forgive,
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and we ask God for guidance, and we trust God.
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We make the appropriate response, that way we're healed,
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and we can go on and be normal.
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If we don't make the appropriate response, and we make
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ourself a promise, we can become very, very dysfunctional,
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and the truth is, we think everybody else is dysfunctional,
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and we think that we're normal.
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I've met people who were the most unbelievably abusive
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spouses, and almost all the time that it happens,
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they're responding to an inner vow.
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And when I began to talk to them, and I'll say,
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"Why are you so dominant, why are you so controlling,
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"why are you so this?"
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You'll go back to the circumstance in their life,
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where they were hurt, I had one man who was one of
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the worst husbands I've ever seen in my life,
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totally dominated his wife, his mother was
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a very dominant woman, according to him, and he said,
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"Every day of my life, growing up, I watched my mother
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"emasculate my father, and I promised it would
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"never happen to me."
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And he was one of the most controlling men I've ever seen,
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and I said to him, "So now you are your mother.
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"But rather than a woman doing it to a man,
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"now it's you doing it to your wife," and he kinda
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gave me that look, and I said, "You are your mother.
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"You are dominating your wife because
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"you made that inner vow, you are now doing what you said
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"would never be done to you, but now you're doing it
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"to another person."
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It makes us, let me say it this way, in any area
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that you have an inner vow, you're a little crazy.
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You're unteachable, you're unapproachable.
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And again, you think it's logical, but Jesus said it's evil.
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Why is it evil?
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Because you can't be taught.
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See, the word "disciple" means "learner."
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If you're a disciple, it means you're teachable.
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You're teachable about money,
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you're teachable about relationships.
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You open the Bible, you read it, and you learn
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what it has to say.
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When you have an inner vow working in your life,
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you're not teachable.
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You just, no one can tell you anything,
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about money, about relationships, about things like that.
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And so, we want to be good disciples.
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Now, I'm saying, inner vows destroy relationships.
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They at least affect relationships in a very
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negative manner, but they can destroy relationships.
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The other things about the inner vows is it creates
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an inner dialogue, that we begin to have self-talk,
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that's very negative, "Everybody's against me.
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"Nobody's for me, nobody understands me.
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"My spouse is against me, they're hurting me,
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"they're trying to hurt me."
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It just becomes a very negative inner dialogue,
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all because, innocently, not 'cause we're evil,
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we were hurting, and we made a response to that hurt
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that made it worse.
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It didn't make it go away.
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It may have comforted us, at the time.
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But Jesus said it's evil now, because,
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"I'm not going to be able to be Lord of that area,
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"you're going to overreact, you're going to be unteachable,
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"and you're going to have this inner dialogue
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"that's going to be negative," so what do you do about it?
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You bring it to Jesus.
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In any area, as I'm speaking right now, because we're
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gonna break it right now, some of you have operating
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inner vows that need to be broken now, because of
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the destruction that it's causing in your relationships,
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in your marriage, and your life.
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Jesus, I come to you, and I say, Lord, I repent.
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I did not know that it was wrong to do that.
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I know you didn't, I didn't, okay.
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And I said I'd never be poor again, I said
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nobody would ever hurt me again, I'd say,
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this isn't gonna happen, that's gonna happen.
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And Lord, I should've trusted you.
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Listen, I renounce the vow.
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I repent for becoming God in that area of my life,
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I didn't know that was happening, but it was,
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and I renounce the vow.
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And I say, "Lord, related to money, related to
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"relationships, related to being vulnerable or being hurt,
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"or whatever, I want to be the person you want me to be.
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"I'm not going to make any absolute statements,
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"as though I'm God.
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"You're my Lord, and I forgive,"
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this is a big issue in breaking inner vows,
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"I forgive anyone involved in that vow,
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"who may have hurt me, or disappointed me, or rejected me,
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"or let me down, or made me feel vulnerable, I forgive them,
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"and I bless them, and Lord, I pray that you will now
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"teach me how to operate this area of my life."
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See, when you've had an inner vow operating,
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you're unteachable, and you're operating on false
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information, everybody else is crazy, and you're wise,
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but actually, you're operating on the wrong information,
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and you're unteachable, listen.
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"Lord, I submit to You, I submit to Your word,
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"and I submit to wise counsel, to Godly counsel.
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"If there are people that are successful, Godly people
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"that are successful in this area, I want to learn from them
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"and not argue with them.
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"But Lord, I pray You would teach me in this area."
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Now listen to what I'm saying, it will transform your life
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and your marriage, to break your inner vows.
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And to take this pain and put it into the hands of Jesus,
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and to make him Lord of this area.
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This is what happened to me,
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this is what happened to my wife,
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and as soon as these inner vows were broken,
00:12:58.140 --> 00:13:01.090
we saw the world in a different way.
00:13:01.090 --> 00:13:02.260
We saw each other in a different way.
00:13:02.260 --> 00:13:05.160
And my prayer for you today is every single inner vow
00:13:05.160 --> 00:13:09.210
in your life is broken now, in the name of Jesus,
00:13:11.030 --> 00:13:12.220
it's that simple.
00:13:12.220 --> 00:13:14.050
When you renounce it, when you repent of it,
00:13:14.050 --> 00:13:16.170
and you bring that area to Jesus, it's broken.
00:13:16.170 --> 00:13:19.100
And immediately, you begin to see the difference
00:13:19.100 --> 00:13:22.140
in your relationships.
00:13:22.140 --> 00:13:24.220
- [Announcer] TBN wants you to discover the truths
00:13:24.220 --> 00:13:26.230
and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage,
00:13:26.230 --> 00:13:29.140
and you will begin to see your relationship with your spouse
00:13:29.140 --> 00:13:32.000
in a whole new way.
00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:33.140
Call or go online to request this powerful collection today,
00:13:33.140 --> 00:13:36.250
with your gift of $120 or more, and as our thank you
00:13:36.250 --> 00:13:40.100
for supporting TBN, we will rush these incredible resources
00:13:40.100 --> 00:13:43.230
to you today.
00:13:43.230 --> 00:13:45.070
Call 800-626-7454,
00:13:45.070 --> 00:13:49.020
or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
00:13:49.020 --> 00:13:52.070
- If you're just tuning in,
00:13:55.280 --> 00:13:57.080
welcome to Strengths Based Marriage.
00:13:57.080 --> 00:13:59.130
We have a guest couple with us today.
00:13:59.130 --> 00:14:01.110
Let's have a look at how their strengths
00:14:01.110 --> 00:14:03.120
influence their marriage.
00:14:03.120 --> 00:14:05.110
- [Announcer] Today's couple is Weston and Vivian Smith
00:14:05.110 --> 00:14:07.180
from Southlake, Texas.
00:14:07.180 --> 00:14:09.090
Weston's top five strengths are restorative,
00:14:09.090 --> 00:14:11.190
positivity, strategic, includer, and connectedness.
00:14:11.190 --> 00:14:15.240
Vivian's top five strengths are positivity,
00:14:17.040 --> 00:14:18.130
belief, developer, connectedness, and woo.
00:14:18.130 --> 00:14:21.280
- Well, I've been looking forward to this time
00:14:23.100 --> 00:14:24.250
to work with these two, and I'm so glad you guys are here.
00:14:24.250 --> 00:14:28.110
Vivian and Weston, thanks so much for spending time
00:14:28.110 --> 00:14:30.050
with us today.
00:14:30.050 --> 00:14:31.200
We're really eager to talk to you about your strengths,
00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:33.200
and learn from your experiences, and your use of them,
00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:36.220
so welcome.
00:14:36.220 --> 00:14:38.060
Why don't you start by just telling us a little bit
00:14:38.060 --> 00:14:39.130
about who you are and what you do?
00:14:39.130 --> 00:14:41.120
- Go ahead. - Okay.
00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:43.060
I'm Weston, and I do IT security.
00:14:43.060 --> 00:14:45.280
I have known my wife for maybe a full year now, but,
00:14:47.120 --> 00:14:51.170
dated, what is it,
00:14:53.160 --> 00:14:54.210
we were engaged longer than we dated.
00:14:54.210 --> 00:14:57.050
We've been married ten months, the 11th,
00:14:57.050 --> 00:14:59.220
and we have a strength-based marriage group.
00:14:59.220 --> 00:15:03.220
- Good.
00:15:03.220 --> 00:15:05.070
Well, one of the ways that our viewing audience gets to
00:15:05.070 --> 00:15:06.270
know who you guys are is not just from your personal stories
00:15:06.270 --> 00:15:09.150
but also from looking at you through the lens
00:15:09.150 --> 00:15:11.250
of each of your strengths.
00:15:11.250 --> 00:15:13.110
And so one of the things I'd like to do is just kinda
00:15:13.110 --> 00:15:15.080
read off your strengths real fast, just to kinda get us all
00:15:15.080 --> 00:15:18.050
situated for what's going on here.
00:15:18.050 --> 00:15:20.160
And don't say it, but it might be a past reminder
00:15:20.160 --> 00:15:23.100
for each of you about what your strengths are.
00:15:23.100 --> 00:15:26.060
Vivian, we'll start with you, okay?
00:15:26.060 --> 00:15:27.280
So, number one, positivity, coming right out of the gate,
00:15:27.280 --> 00:15:31.070
and you just see things, the glass half full,
00:15:31.070 --> 00:15:33.120
you have a positive perspective about life.
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:36.090
Then you follow that with belief, which means that
00:15:36.090 --> 00:15:38.170
you have these moral or ethically-based values
00:15:38.170 --> 00:15:41.130
that help to define all of your decision-making,
00:15:41.130 --> 00:15:44.040
and structures all of your decision-making.
00:15:44.040 --> 00:15:46.140
And then you have developer, which means you love to
00:15:46.140 --> 00:15:48.280
incrementally move people along and kinda help
00:15:48.280 --> 00:15:52.080
them get better, there's something about you that
00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:54.050
loves to help people get better.
00:15:54.050 --> 00:15:56.100
And then you have connectedness, which means that you
00:15:56.100 --> 00:15:59.090
see the thread that God has, that tells a story,
00:15:59.090 --> 00:16:03.110
but that can join all of these kind of strange points
00:16:03.110 --> 00:16:06.060
that don't seem to make sense to other people,
00:16:06.060 --> 00:16:08.120
but they totally make sense to you.
00:16:08.120 --> 00:16:09.290
There are no coincidences for people with connectedness.
00:16:09.290 --> 00:16:13.090
And then finally you have woo, which means you just love
00:16:13.090 --> 00:16:15.200
to win other people over, and so you're the life of
00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:18.280
the party, you're fun to be around, and it's probably what
00:16:18.280 --> 00:16:22.240
hooked Weston in the first place, but I'm not gonna
00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:25.130
throw him under the bus.
00:16:25.130 --> 00:16:27.080
Alright, Weston, so you've got restorative, it means you
00:16:27.080 --> 00:16:30.230
just see things that are kinda maybe missing in people
00:16:30.230 --> 00:16:34.010
or situations, and you're interested in wanting to
00:16:34.010 --> 00:16:36.180
bring that back, kind of restore the former glory
00:16:36.180 --> 00:16:39.200
of what's available or what's present in that situation
00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:42.150
or that person.
00:16:42.150 --> 00:16:44.040
You have positivity, also like your wife, so you
00:16:44.040 --> 00:16:46.160
guys share that.
00:16:46.160 --> 00:16:48.100
You have strategic, which means you love to begin with
00:16:48.100 --> 00:16:51.200
the end in mind, so you'll go the outcome, work your way
00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:54.140
back from that point, and then know you have a plan
00:16:54.140 --> 00:16:56.210
or a map that will get you there, pretty confident
00:16:56.210 --> 00:16:59.020
about being able to follow through with that.
00:16:59.020 --> 00:17:01.070
And then includer, which means that you like
00:17:01.070 --> 00:17:03.260
to widen the circle, you just like to include people,
00:17:03.260 --> 00:17:06.180
you feel safer when there's more around, and it just
00:17:06.180 --> 00:17:09.280
feels good, you know, when that's the case.
00:17:09.280 --> 00:17:12.010
And then you also have connectedness, like your wife,
00:17:12.010 --> 00:17:14.120
so the two of you share two of your strengths
00:17:14.120 --> 00:17:16.090
are similar in that regard, and just love to be able to
00:17:16.090 --> 00:17:19.170
tell the story.
00:17:19.170 --> 00:17:21.020
So let's start with the strengths that you share.
00:17:21.020 --> 00:17:24.010
You both have positivity, is your positivity the same?
00:17:24.010 --> 00:17:28.060
- No. - No.
00:17:28.260 --> 00:17:29.160
Absolutely not.
00:17:29.160 --> 00:17:31.010
- [Allan] Okay, let me know, what's going on with that?
00:17:31.010 --> 00:17:32.200
- You wanna go first?
00:17:32.200 --> 00:17:34.060
- Well, my positivity, I feel like, is more centered around
00:17:34.060 --> 00:17:37.240
people, and, um,
00:17:37.240 --> 00:17:39.040
I think it's more closely tied to my woo,
00:17:41.060 --> 00:17:44.060
if that makes sense.
00:17:44.060 --> 00:17:45.260
But I think for both of us, though, being in
00:17:47.010 --> 00:17:51.020
negative environments is hard, and so being that we
00:17:51.020 --> 00:17:53.270
both have positivity, just being able to recognize,
00:17:53.270 --> 00:17:57.280
"Okay, I'm walking through this valley of,
00:17:57.280 --> 00:18:00.100
"I'm feeling some negative tension, and I need your help
00:18:00.100 --> 00:18:02.210
"pulling me out of this, back to the positivity
00:18:02.210 --> 00:18:04.290
"that we both know is there."
00:18:04.290 --> 00:18:07.220
But I feel like, for the most part, it's mine centered
00:18:07.220 --> 00:18:10.270
around people, and making people's day brighter,
00:18:10.270 --> 00:18:15.020
or helping other people see the glass is half full,
00:18:16.140 --> 00:18:19.100
or seeing the brighter side.
00:18:19.100 --> 00:18:20.250
- How about you, Weston?
00:18:20.250 --> 00:18:22.140
- My positivity seems to gravitate more as being number two
00:18:22.140 --> 00:18:25.050
to my number one, which is restorative.
00:18:25.050 --> 00:18:27.060
So always having an alternative solution for somebody,
00:18:27.060 --> 00:18:30.250
and so when I can see them come through something,
00:18:30.250 --> 00:18:34.100
it generates this kind of mentorship, this coaching,
00:18:34.100 --> 00:18:38.110
this, "Hey, thank you for that, this solution
00:18:38.110 --> 00:18:40.180
"that you've offered," or I can tell a story to somebody
00:18:40.180 --> 00:18:43.140
about my failures and where I've succeeded,
00:18:43.140 --> 00:18:46.040
and to tell them, "Hey, don't go down this road,"
00:18:46.040 --> 00:18:49.150
so that when they come out the other end,
00:18:49.150 --> 00:18:52.100
it would be much easier.
00:18:52.100 --> 00:18:53.230
- Yeah.
00:18:53.230 --> 00:18:55.080
It's fascinating to me that you've mentioned mentoring
00:18:55.080 --> 00:18:56.260
or coaching, because the essence of restorative is that
00:18:56.260 --> 00:19:01.030
you see something that's not there, and you want to
00:19:02.170 --> 00:19:05.090
bring it back again.
00:19:05.090 --> 00:19:06.210
The essence of someone who needs coaching
00:19:06.210 --> 00:19:08.280
is, "I have something that's missing,
00:19:08.280 --> 00:19:11.030
"and I need somebody to put it in there,
00:19:11.030 --> 00:19:13.100
"or to help me find it."
00:19:13.100 --> 00:19:14.250
So, it makes perfect sense to me that you
00:19:14.250 --> 00:19:17.000
gravitate toward that.
00:19:17.000 --> 00:19:18.190
So you also share connectedness, tell me about that.
00:19:18.190 --> 00:19:21.160
So, it makes you both pretty good storytellers,
00:19:21.160 --> 00:19:24.130
but I think you might weave different stories somehow.
00:19:24.130 --> 00:19:28.180
- Go ahead. - Okay, I'll go first.
00:19:29.190 --> 00:19:31.190
What is it, for my connectedness,
00:19:31.190 --> 00:19:33.130
I'm a connect-the-dots kind of person,
00:19:33.130 --> 00:19:36.180
so when something happens in my life, or a situation,
00:19:36.180 --> 00:19:40.210
I can always go back to watching the Lord deposit
00:19:40.210 --> 00:19:44.260
these seeds of where things were growing to the moment
00:19:46.100 --> 00:19:47.250
when it finally happens, I'll go back, way far back,
00:19:47.250 --> 00:19:51.160
and like, "Oh, this is why I went from here,
00:19:51.160 --> 00:19:53.190
"A to B to C to D," and then the moment I get to
00:19:53.190 --> 00:19:57.200
my end game or my end goal, wherever I'm at,
00:19:57.200 --> 00:19:59.200
whatever that blessing looks like,
00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:01.210
I can always go back and retrace the steps knowing that
00:20:01.210 --> 00:20:03.290
it was the Lord that connected this one to this one.
00:20:03.290 --> 00:20:06.130
As wild and as crazy as it might be,
00:20:06.130 --> 00:20:09.010
or whatever that journey looked like.
00:20:09.010 --> 00:20:10.230
- Yeah, how about you Vivian?
00:20:10.230 --> 00:20:12.160
- Well, I'm always looking for the pieces of the puzzle.
00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:16.210
Like, if something's going on over here, I'm like,
00:20:18.040 --> 00:20:19.170
"Ooh, I bet that has something to do with this,
00:20:19.170 --> 00:20:20.250
"and had something to do with that, and something
00:20:20.250 --> 00:20:21.220
"to do with that."
00:20:21.220 --> 00:20:22.240
- Wow.
00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:24.090
So, I love this, because it so powerfully illustrates how,
00:20:24.090 --> 00:20:27.060
it's the same word, you know, connectedness.
00:20:27.060 --> 00:20:29.280
But in your version, it expresses itself one way.
00:20:29.280 --> 00:20:32.290
In yours, Vivian, expresses it another, and it's purely
00:20:32.290 --> 00:20:36.000
because the other four strengths pull it into a different
00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:40.020
flavor and kinda give it a new perspective.
00:20:40.020 --> 00:20:42.280
It's so interesting to me that that's how it plays out.
00:20:42.280 --> 00:20:45.250
So you have similar words in your strengths,
00:20:45.250 --> 00:20:49.270
but their expression is actually quite, quite different.
00:20:49.270 --> 00:20:53.270
If I take all of your strengths, and look at them
00:20:53.270 --> 00:20:56.130
in the categories of how strengths can be broken out,
00:20:56.130 --> 00:21:00.040
then 60% of your strengths, Weston,
00:21:00.040 --> 00:21:03.130
are relationship-building strengths.
00:21:03.130 --> 00:21:06.080
But the same is true for you, though, Vivian,
00:21:06.080 --> 00:21:08.140
60% of yours are also relationship building strengths,
00:21:08.140 --> 00:21:11.030
so I'm guessing maybe you have a small group,
00:21:11.030 --> 00:21:14.020
or something like that, that you work with,
00:21:14.020 --> 00:21:16.240
is that true? - Yes we do.
00:21:16.240 --> 00:21:18.160
- Whew, I was out on a limb there,
00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:19.250
I need to make sure.
00:21:19.250 --> 00:21:20.260
Well, tell me about that.
00:21:20.260 --> 00:21:22.100
And why you do it, how does it feed your strengths?
00:21:22.100 --> 00:21:25.060
- So, for me,
00:21:25.060 --> 00:21:26.090
well for my wife and I,
00:21:28.200 --> 00:21:29.270
when we started our small group, we started
00:21:29.270 --> 00:21:31.180
a new marriage group for young couples that were
00:21:31.180 --> 00:21:34.140
newly married, and we went ahead, and we were reading
00:21:34.140 --> 00:21:37.140
about strengths, and we were so passionate about them,
00:21:37.140 --> 00:21:39.230
that we decided to start a strength-based marriage group,
00:21:39.230 --> 00:21:42.160
to talk about how to equip young couples, to understand,
00:21:42.160 --> 00:21:45.270
new language that we could say, a new language to
00:21:45.270 --> 00:21:49.030
be able to talk to each other, and discover each other.
00:21:49.030 --> 00:21:52.110
Hopefully earlier in our marriages maybe than later.
00:21:52.110 --> 00:21:55.210
But also then give us time to use those strengths
00:21:55.210 --> 00:21:58.000
that we find out about ourselves, whether we share them
00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:00.170
or we don't, but how we can learn to love one another
00:22:00.170 --> 00:22:04.050
in those strengths, so if I do it in year one,
00:22:04.050 --> 00:22:07.090
maybe year two, three, and four, every year will
00:22:07.090 --> 00:22:09.180
get better, and better, and better, and so for me,
00:22:09.180 --> 00:22:12.110
when it plays out in my strengths, since my number one
00:22:12.110 --> 00:22:15.040
is restorative, even I like to fix things about myself.
00:22:15.040 --> 00:22:18.280
It's a strive of perfection I will know I never reach,
00:22:18.280 --> 00:22:23.020
but a strive to be excellent.
00:22:23.020 --> 00:22:25.130
And better. - Yeah.
00:22:25.130 --> 00:22:26.200
This program seems to focus on inner vows,
00:22:26.200 --> 00:22:30.030
and inner dialogue, and there's an element to
00:22:30.030 --> 00:22:33.060
our inner dialogue that is fed by our strengths.
00:22:33.060 --> 00:22:36.130
And this is what I mean.
00:22:36.130 --> 00:22:37.280
If I'm in my relationship with Stephanie,
00:22:37.280 --> 00:22:40.130
and I get something from her, some interaction happens,
00:22:40.130 --> 00:22:44.050
and I begin a dialogue with myself in response
00:22:44.050 --> 00:22:46.280
to that occurrence, it's filtered by my strengths,
00:22:46.280 --> 00:22:50.110
so I'm gonna say something like, through my achiever,
00:22:50.110 --> 00:22:53.130
I might want to act on what she said,
00:22:53.130 --> 00:22:55.110
or through my strategic, I'm going to maybe want to evaluate
00:22:55.110 --> 00:22:58.100
what she just said.
00:22:58.100 --> 00:23:00.030
So this inner dialogue, motivated by your strengths,
00:23:00.030 --> 00:23:03.090
kind of plays a role in your relationship.
00:23:03.090 --> 00:23:05.200
Can you find a spot like that where it's affecting
00:23:05.200 --> 00:23:08.040
your relationship and somehow where there's a dialogue
00:23:08.040 --> 00:23:10.130
that you start, in any given situation,
00:23:10.130 --> 00:23:13.100
that's filtered by your strengths?
00:23:13.100 --> 00:23:15.280
- When my wife is, when she's trying to tell me,
00:23:15.280 --> 00:23:19.280
if she's offering something to me, where she's
00:23:21.120 --> 00:23:23.030
telling me a story, or she maybe wants me to just
00:23:23.030 --> 00:23:25.250
listen better, my restorative will kick in immediately,
00:23:25.250 --> 00:23:29.110
looking for a solution of how to fix this,
00:23:29.110 --> 00:23:32.190
or how to fix that, and it's not necessarily
00:23:32.190 --> 00:23:34.220
that I need to fix it, it's more that I just need to
00:23:34.220 --> 00:23:37.160
just be a better listener, and I know in that, when we've,
00:23:37.160 --> 00:23:41.210
we definitely had the talk about it, 'cause I don't
00:23:43.040 --> 00:23:44.190
always have to fix everything sometimes.
00:23:44.190 --> 00:23:47.140
Sometimes it's better just to listen.
00:23:47.140 --> 00:23:49.080
- Just to listen, hey, I get it.
00:23:49.080 --> 00:23:50.270
Vivian, how about you, do you have something,
00:23:50.270 --> 00:23:52.190
an example that comes to mind?
00:23:52.190 --> 00:23:54.070
- Well, what comes to mind mostly is his strategic side,
00:23:54.070 --> 00:23:57.180
and really his restorative side.
00:23:57.180 --> 00:23:59.200
Fixing everything, always has a plan,
00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:02.130
always wants to fix things, and honestly I feel like
00:24:02.130 --> 00:24:06.070
that has helped me a lot, 'cause I don't have
00:24:06.070 --> 00:24:09.140
a strategic, well I guess have all of the strengths
00:24:09.140 --> 00:24:12.270
at some point, but I don't have a top anything of
00:24:12.270 --> 00:24:17.020
strategic or analytical or anything, so he's helped me out
00:24:18.130 --> 00:24:20.240
a lot in that, but I really feel like the restorative
00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:24.090
is the conversation that comes up where,
00:24:24.090 --> 00:24:27.100
"Hey babe, I just want you to listen to me,
00:24:27.100 --> 00:24:30.210
"we don't have to have a solution, let's just share
00:24:30.210 --> 00:24:34.070
"in this conversation and story together."
00:24:34.070 --> 00:24:37.100
And so that comes up for me.
00:24:37.100 --> 00:24:39.060
- What I love from this story that you guys are sharing
00:24:39.060 --> 00:24:41.220
is how powerfully the strengths language has provided a way
00:24:41.220 --> 00:24:45.270
of words, a language for you to be able to communicate
00:24:47.100 --> 00:24:49.230
with each other, so that you clearly understand
00:24:49.230 --> 00:24:52.050
what's being communicated, what's being said,
00:24:52.050 --> 00:24:54.110
and how to understand one another in that way.
00:24:54.110 --> 00:24:57.050
And obviously it's brought clarity, understanding,
00:24:57.050 --> 00:25:00.220
and it's accelerated the pace of your communication,
00:25:00.220 --> 00:25:04.170
like you get me faster, I don't have to say so many words
00:25:04.170 --> 00:25:07.060
to be understood.
00:25:07.060 --> 00:25:08.230
So I'm very impressed with that, I love the display
00:25:08.230 --> 00:25:11.080
that strengths has in your marriage.
00:25:11.080 --> 00:25:13.170
Listen guys, we've run out of time, but thank you so much
00:25:13.170 --> 00:25:15.270
for joining us today, I'm so grateful that we got
00:25:15.270 --> 00:25:18.130
to see you and your marriage, and through the lens
00:25:18.130 --> 00:25:21.070
of your strengths that you both share.
00:25:21.070 --> 00:25:22.270
- Thank you. - Thank you.
00:25:22.270 --> 00:25:24.270
- I love to see stories like that.
00:25:26.020 --> 00:25:27.280
That's why we do what we do, and an example of the impact
00:25:27.280 --> 00:25:31.110
these powerful resources can have on your marriage.
00:25:31.110 --> 00:25:34.140
- Yeah, for example, maybe your number one strength
00:25:34.140 --> 00:25:37.090
is empathy, and your spouse's strength is to be restorative.
00:25:37.090 --> 00:25:41.080
Being aware of that is so important, because it will
00:25:41.080 --> 00:25:43.190
help you to understand how each of you think.
00:25:43.190 --> 00:25:46.070
Because while someone who is empathetic will feel
00:25:46.070 --> 00:25:48.280
what others are feeling, a restorative spouse will see
00:25:48.280 --> 00:25:51.260
a problem, and try to fix it.
00:25:51.260 --> 00:25:54.020
They both want there to be resolution and understanding,
00:25:54.020 --> 00:25:57.100
peace and growth, but their perspectives are completely
00:25:57.100 --> 00:26:00.180
opposite, and, if misunderstood by each other,
00:26:00.180 --> 00:26:03.230
can be cause for some really heated discussion.
00:26:03.230 --> 00:26:06.130
- But trust me, no matter what situation you're in,
00:26:06.130 --> 00:26:09.170
your marriage can thrive in every area, emotionally,
00:26:09.170 --> 00:26:12.260
physically, and spiritually.
00:26:12.260 --> 00:26:14.220
And we want to help you experience that today.
00:26:14.220 --> 00:26:17.060
So request your Strengths Based Marriage resources
00:26:17.060 --> 00:26:19.270
with your gift, and discover the principles you need
00:26:19.270 --> 00:26:22.270
to see yourself, your spouse, and your marriage,
00:26:22.270 --> 00:26:26.070
in a new, amazing way.
00:26:26.070 --> 00:26:28.020
- [Announcer] TBN wants you to discover the truth
00:26:29.150 --> 00:26:31.160
and principles found in Strengths Based Marriage,
00:26:31.160 --> 00:26:34.010
and you will begin to see your relationship with your spouse
00:26:34.010 --> 00:26:36.220
in a whole new way.
00:26:36.220 --> 00:26:38.060
Call or go online to request this powerful collection today,
00:26:38.060 --> 00:26:41.110
with your gift of $120 or more, and as our thank you
00:26:41.110 --> 00:26:44.240
for supporting TBN, we will rush these incredible
00:26:44.240 --> 00:26:47.240
resources to you, today.
00:26:47.240 --> 00:26:49.260
Call 800-626-7454,
00:26:49.260 --> 00:26:53.210
or visit TBN.org/StrongMarriage.
00:26:53.210 --> 00:26:56.170
- Imagine what might happen if the two of you
00:27:00.180 --> 00:27:02.210
had the ability to hear each other's hearts,
00:27:02.210 --> 00:27:04.250
and really grasp what the other's trying to say.
00:27:04.250 --> 00:27:07.160
We've got some fascinating insights that will help improve
00:27:07.160 --> 00:27:10.020
your communication with your spouse, but if you want to
00:27:10.020 --> 00:27:12.220
hear what they are, you gotta tune in to the next episode
00:27:12.220 --> 00:27:15.150
of Strengths Based Marriage.
00:27:15.150 --> 00:27:17.050
I really think you're gonna enjoy what we're covering next,
00:27:17.050 --> 00:27:19.110
and we'll see you then.
00:27:19.110 --> 00:27:21.090

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